Monday, 29 December 2008

Nathanmas continues...

Is it ok if I just come over here and swear a bit? Shackass! Shiteos! Jesuzemann! Fackass!

Ah. better now. It's all fine in small doses, but the relentless chreeezemass is starting to make tooth grinding a full time occupation. I need a break from real life and a trip to the welcoming (or at least, endlessly patient) arms of the internets. Either that, or I think now might be the time to break out the emergency temazepam I was astonished not to need at mamie et papy's foodathon.

Good things:

  • Children waking at times as late as 8am, and requiring little more than tv turned on, blind eye turned to eating tree decorations and regular supply of AA batteries.

  • Wraithlike presence of Prog Rock Step Dad like a tea making holy hermit, sleeping 20 hours a day and emerging only to read passages of his 80000 page history of Ireland out loud and make tea. Not only that, Prog Rock Step Dad has brought with him a small armchair, 400 Yorkshire tea bags, some impressively un-festive crackers (nail clippers or a shoe horn anyone?), 43 of my old PG Wodehouse novels and some fantastically horrid photos of me aged 13. Almost worse, some incredibly foxy and gorgeous photos of me at 17 with all my own hair and eyelashes. Actually, that should be in the bad column, but I am too tired to put it there.

  • Presence of Space Cadette sleeping like a tiny heap of hairy laundry far too close to fire. Abusing Space Cadette's good nature for spawn minding.

  • Sitting in front of fire staring slack jawed at shiny Christmas tree for sometimes up to an hour at a time undisturbed.

  • Endless supply of cups of tea not made by me.

Not so much:

  • The sinusitis, the aching joints and general sensation of decrepitude and morbidity. Combined with Lashes ongoing struggles with DEATH. ("I had forgotten for a moment I am going to DIE and then it came baaack...." etc etc etc). As previously noted, any event involving cheer and celebration and the like is marked in the Waffle household by terrible intimations of mortality. Yes, truly the fun never stops.

  • The dreams:
E: I dreamt we had killed someone and had to dispose of the body AGAIN last night.
CFO: Hmm?
E: We rolled it up in a rug and put it under the floor boards, but when we got back home someone had found it and taken it away and we were in deep shit. I can remember the cold dread so so well.
CFO: That was stupid. The smell would have been a giveaway, even tightly rolled. The fire is working really well at the moment. It would have been much more sensible to dismember the body and burn it piece by piece.
E: What, one piece a day and keep the rest in the freezer?
CFO: No, best all in one go.
E: But what about the smell?
CFO: Best not to kill someone at home at all. And the only murder you can properly get away with is a motiveless one anyway.
E: Motiveless killing outside the home then. I'll tell my subconscious.

  • The impossibility of reconciling CFO's need for a rational, orderly home and:
(i) Lashes desire to create giant monsters from Actimel bottles and gaffer tape
(ii) Own indolence and inability to give a shit
(iii) Space Cadette's tendency to shed clothing, stuff, apple cores, half drunk cups of tea and newspapers in irregular formation around her person.

  • The New Year Fear
This is very well-founded. We are invited to the neighbours for a relentless, unforgiving 8 hour marathon réveillon. The success of the party will be gauged by neighbours entirely on how long it lasts, and how much fun we are visibly and audibly having. There are only 8 people in total, so sneaking off early is out. Cooking Neighbour has been menu planning since June. Terrifying Fêtarde Neighbour is concocting an evening of French musical torture. Usually the CFO and I unplug the phone and go to bed with ear plugs at around 10. Yes, that is how much fun we are. The idea of an evening of enforced fun and twenty eight courses of heavy Belgian food, followed by a day of sleep deprivation torture at the hands of the spawn is terrifying to us. We are weak. He can't cope without sleep and I can't cope with French singing. It's a recipe for disaster. I was half plotting pretending to pass out with alcohol poisoning, but as the CFO rightly noted, this would not be considered a good reason for leaving early. Any ideas?

Ok; let me know how you lot are holding up. Do you need a turn of the emergency temazepam? Some made up obscenities?


justme said...

Yes please, I would like a turn of the temazepam. I have, so very much, had quite enough of christmas now.....

The Spicers said...

I've already tapped into my own emergency benzo stash, thanks.
And 8-hour party marathon! Yikes! My husband and I are also in bed by 10 most nights. I'd never be able to cope.
So. Sick. Of. The. Holidays.

Anonymous said...

This was not my most favourite Christmas. I live near Vancouver, on the west coast of Canada, where it usually rains in the winter, but this year we got way too much snow. We are so unused to it here that we simply can't cope: roads don't get plowed regularly, public transit all but shuts down, people are warned to stay home. From Dec. 24 till the 29th (today), I couldn't get my car out of my garage, much less drive safely because there was so much snow. I missed so many social events - even Christmas dinner had to be postponed. I spent Christmas Day and Boxing Day stuck at home, feeling most hard-done-by and bitterly imagining all the fun everybody else was having without me. Even the GPS I got as a gift couldn't cheer me up: because of the constant cloud cover, it can't find any satellites.
It's raining now. I'm almost happy.

Anonymous said...

people are going to throw things at me (probably empty bottles of temazepam), but . . . this was not a bad christmas for me. i spent approx. 48 hours at home with spouse and spawn, laying on various pieces of furniture and eating fudge. and i didn't have to spend christmas eve or day with crazy-mom and crazy-dad (the stomach flu fairy visited them -- i'm going to hell for the happy dance i did when i got the phone call).

i did have to go back to work on the 26th, though, and worked for big chunks of the weekend. so, sign me up for the pharmaceuticals, too.

and (last thing, sorry) -- i've been having weird dreams lately, too! last night i [apparently, i was unconscious, but my spouse swears this happened] sat bolt upright in bad, gasped like i'd just witnessed jaywalker roll a corpse in a carpet and mumbled something along the lines of "stop, don't!" then i went back to sleep. scared the shit out of my spouse. good times.

(also: my wv is "shette" -- which sounds like a cfo-swearword!)

Pochyemu said...

Faked cases of Gastroenteritis!! It's the only way!!

Elsie said...

So glad you are back. Received boots made from pony-hair in a zebra pattern - along with previously uncovered snowshoes - unable to stifle scream of horror upon unwrapping. Exhausted by presence of children home from college and went to swim laps in public pool, remembering too late the mollusc-itis .

Red Shoes said...

boots made from pony-hair in a zebra pattern

GASP! Nooooo.....

Grit said...

sick child in a&e. you win all round with this one. you are angel mother, self sacrificing for your brood and everyone will love you.

child does not really have to go to a&e of course. just make sure they make no noise between 8pm and 1pm and that you offer handsome reward for story back up if asked.

bonnie-ann black said...

wow! i hate to be the one who rains on the season-hating thing, but i've had a pretty good season, considering that i cannot make a visit to any of my family in another state (yes, weird as it sounds, i actually love my family and enjoy the company of my parents and siblings and their various progeny)... i did have to work boxing day, but the non-presence of the oh so aggravating Woman-Who-Yells that is generally next to me was so pleasant, i just packed up boxes and surfed the web the whole day. i had a new episode of Doctor Who that night, lots of wine and chinese food with my best friend. there was a Geek Party on saturday and sunday was the only bad day in that i spent it (7 hours) cleaning the kitchen.

my happiness continues unabated in that my sister lives down the block now, and my brother and his wife and kids showed up and will be spending new year's here, and i will make a big dinner and have my family around me.

sorry about all that. please don't drum me out of the internet community, or make me go and visit Gwenth Paltrow's website!

oh, and i'll have all your chocolates and bouche noel and whatever leftover mince pies you may have, please.

Red Shoes said...

Your dream sounds rotten... and vaguely familiar. Weird.

I will never, never get enough of "Shackass! Shiteos! Jesuzemann! Fackass!". So GOOD!

Children waking at times as late as 8am

Why an I trying to have a child, again? Is this really so? Will I never, ever have another moment of peace? Wife spent Christmas reminding me that the lovely boredom and leisure we were experiencing would be gone forever once we had a baby. Tell me it isn't so...

As for Revillion... what kind of sadistic neighbors are these?? You don't need their love. They are asses. Go home at a reasonable hour and put the ear plugs in. Screw them!

Irritated With People Who Inflict "Fun" On Others, At Their Expense

Waffle said...

Justme - you are so not alone. Virtually sharing.

Iheart - Yikes indeed. I have the fear. Any suggestions? The fear is upon me!

Pinklea - that sounds like very little fun indeed. Poor you.

Lisa - curse you! Not really. You had to work. That sucks too. Do you think we were sharing a dream in a sci-fi type fashion? Spooky..

Pochyemu - I really wish I had the guts (hahaha) but I swear they would come and check my bowel movements...

Elsie, oh Elsie. There was a surprise you see. Just one you would rather not have had. Zebra pony boots? What madness is this?

Grit - I cannot trust my small George Washingtons. They are not yet reliably devious. But I will most definitely be keeping it for next year. (Have you ever? Go on, you can tell me..)

Bonnie ann - If I am brutally honest, this is not my worst Christmas by some many miles either...

Red Shoes - It is so. You will age ten years in as many months. I remember looking in a mirror when Fingers was about 4 months old and happily living the life of a vampire and not recognising myself anymore. Shackass.

katyboo1 said...

Weirdly Christmas day was the high point. False sense of hope. Everything gone to hell now. Hate the children and can't wait for Monday and school.
Had terrible dream last night myself. Something to do with death and false teeth melting. Can't really remember the rest, thank god.
wv is 'saniti' mine has all gone.

bonnie-ann black said...

drat! i forgot that i mentioned on katyboo's site, i have promised the next five weeks to clean living and regular healthy exercise and walks preparatory to going to london for theatre, food and visiting! so, sadly, i can no longer relieve all of your unwanted carb laden foods. i face a sweet-less new year's eve, with reduced wine consumption (and not the kind you make a sauce of either!). oye.

my word is "slino" which sounds like that fake butter substitute people on diets use.

Waffle said...

Katyboo - Really? Best WV ever! Also, my email no longer seems to reach yours. The universe has decided it hates us. I am not specially surprised.

Bonnie - ann - I urge you to reconsider. It is very cold right now and we all need that extra covering.

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