Saturday, 6 December 2008

Mars and Venus go to Ikea

... and this is why today's post is a poor, sorry 'my soul is bruised' paragraph. You don't need me to draw you a picture, do you? I'm sure we've all been to the giant yellow and blue death star. Apart from anything else I have knitted myself some selective amnesia regarding today's trip, and am choosing only to remember the giant plush woodlouse.





Pochyemu emailed me her reassurance:





"Ikea is where happiness comes to die. They should just hand out divorce papers at the entrance and have a solicitor at the exit, so you can fill out the forms on the way through. Like, do one section at the bedding, the bigger sections at the tables... I always thought it was a bad idea to put the kitchen knives towards the end because, hello, homicide much??"





And this is why you should just go and visit her today. Because she has custody of the funny. And my keyboard is being repeatedly jogged by the CFO's attempts to kill a giant squid headed evil nemesis type figure.





(The CFO was clearly in need of a manly day today - strange, it's not as if I've been exposing him to much fucking embroidery, or even cooking though we did watch an impressively sinister "Star Academy", with James Blunt and his creepy operatic double "Josh Groban", whoever he is, perving on the lovely French laydeez. He's a ghastly looking creature, look:

Please tell me he's not famous. Or successful. He made my skin crawl, which is quite a feat. I have watched several seasons of Star Academy, including multiple appearances by Roch Voisine, Michel Sardou and repugnant goateed goblin Florent Pagny. I am made of extremely stern stuff. This guy was sinister, I promise you.

Anyway. He spent today wielding power tools to build Lashes' new bed. He's topping this off with an evening killing zombies (the CFO, not Josh Groban. He probably spent the day alternating between playing the geetar at evangelical prayer meetings and torturing puppies). It is quite hard to concentrate on complaining about him with the noise of multiple homicide and accompaniying commentary from the other side of the sofa of evil. "Shakass! Il est ou mon bazooka!")



The only funny thing about Ikea, and the subsequent CFO bricolage-fest is the swearing. He makes up anglo-saxon curses. I don't know why. He swears plenty in French. He knows English swear words. Yet when he does DIY, these strange words come out of his cantakerous little form. Previous favourites were:


"shite-os"


"shackass"


"fackass"


These have now been joined by "jeesuzeman". I am getting quite irritated with "jeesuzeman". "Jeesuzeman" greets me at every turn today, from excessive St Nicolas confectionery, to unpaid bills to poor parking on my part, to the Ikea service desk. Can anyone suggest an alternative for him?



Meanwhile, over in "my children continue to vampirise my soul, but sometimes give me cheap laughs" corner, the outfit of the day was much in evidence, only being removed for bed. It definitely turned heads in Ikea.




The other one was just unremittingly objectionable. Lying in wait to catch St Nicolas to apologise for the lack of beer all night will do that to a child.

Tomorrow I might make a Belgian advent calendar based on the disturbing genius suggestion of Vanessa on the last post. Might make up for the last few days whining....

22 comments:

Mr Farty said...

Ooooh, a Belgian advent calendar sounds interesting. I say do it.

katyboo1 said...

You see. I knew Jason and I were destined to be together because we go to Ikea and actually enjoy it. We have similar taste, we enjoy shopping together (he actually likes shopping) and when we don't have the kids with us we like to race the trolleys round the big warehouse bit at the end. He is,of course, a freak of nature, but then so am I.

When we go away to the states without the kids we spend whole days in shopping centres for fun. We invariably have to buy new suitcases on the trip home. He is as bad as me, when he's not being Mr Economy.

Of course my ex-husband and I cited Ikea as one of the irreconcilable breakdown bits of our marriage.

littleanomaly said...

Josh Groban-Famous and successful.

Gorgeous voice. I'm going to use "The Prayer" with him and Charlotte Church for my wedding next May. : )

Pochyemu said...

!! That was the child's 'going out doing some errands' outfit!? I looovvveee ittttt! It might be a little weird but...come on...their dad weighs tortoises (and graphs their development. and keeps them in the fridge.) and their mum is obsessed with floppy bow tops and carving animals out of vegetables...they never stood a chance, did they??

WV is 'Inuctorb', which sounds like a kind of medication prescribed to assist one in getting through the day with a difficult partner.

Elsie said...

It's weird to comment when it is 3:23 a.m. in Belgium and we are still reveling in Saturday-night-in-front-of-the -TV here. Mission Impossible 3 on Volume #27. Not loud enough to prevent flashback of recent shopping trip to ikea and internalized rage when spouse denied me the Swedish meatball platter and lingonberry juice.

Red Shoes said...

internalized rage when spouse denied me

That's exactly how I feel right now.

justme said...

Makes me feel quite relieved to be single these days really......
Word verification, 'dentistic', possibly the definition of how you feel when you want to bite someone with rage caused by visiting Ikea?

ptooie said...

We do ok depending on the store... clothing stores are a BAD IDEA. Electronics or home improvement stores we do fine, at least until one of us is ready to go to the next department and the other is still browsing caulk tubes or washing machines or something.
Greetings from Texas, by the way. We made it. There are 8 people in this house, 3 of whom are 3 or under. This is a 3 bedroom house. Today's plan is going to the zoo, the 4 of us plus m-i-l, s-i-l, and 3month old cousin. I may call my father and ask him to meet us just so I have someone to talk to. I feel so outnumbered here!
Perhaps we'll even see a yaldedi (wv), I think that's a strange creature from the distant north...

peevish said...

Shopping at IKEA is always a death march, and you are either a leader or the one(s) being marched. You must take steps immediately upon entering the store to assure that YOU are to be the leader, or else. I learned this lesson the hard way when, 7 months into my first pregnancy, I allowed Mr. Man to march my rapidly swelling ankles excruciatingly slowly through the entire store. By the time the checkout aisles were in sight, I was ready to rip his heart out through his eyes, or disembowel myself. One or the other. I can't quite believe we are still married after that. Why oh why didn't I just collapse into a Malung and feign early labor? Oh yeah, it was because all the blood in my brain had packed its bags and travelled to my lower legs.


And yet, now that I live in an IKEA-free state, I pine for the bright graphic textiles and cheap tableware. What is wrong with me?

Completely Alienne said...

I nearly got divorced in Ikea once; that was in 1994, and I haven't set foot in the place since. I never will again either. Hated it, I was hypervintilating by the time I finally escaped. If they want me to buy their stuff (and they keep putting their catalogues through my door) they will have to sell it on line.

I have cancelled christmas; I will be away, out of the country (with brats) and have no intention of acknowledging that christmas will be happening. We are doing it all before we go - I even bought all my presents really early so I could avoid having to rush around at the last minute with everyone else. Next year I am thinking of doing it all in July.

I have dentatea - very similar to Justme; I think wv must be half asleep today

peevish said...

Oh, also, Josh Groban creeps me out, too.

Grit said...

go for the advent calender bw, and think of all the many merry christmases ahead.

Persephone said...

You need to listen to the song "Everything Turn To Ratshit In My Life" by Canadian songstress Nancy White. It's on her album Momnipotent: Songs for Weary Parents and is all about IKEA. As for Josh Groban, he's in that mystifying "pop masquerading as classic music" category also occupied by Sarah Brightman and Charlotte Church. He has got a perfectly decent voice though, and Sarah Brightman is way more scary...

Jaywalker said...

MR F - given CFO's current mood (see today's post) I am postponing til tomorrow when he will be in a field on outskirts of Dusseldorf. I have Big Plans though..

Katyboo - you see I am sure we used to enjoy shopping together; this has to be a bad sign.

Littleanomaly - Sorry. Maybe Star Academy brought out the worst in him?

Pochyemu - 500mg of Inuctorb over here please. We could share, perhaps?

Elsie - there should be something energy efficient to do with all the internalised rage we're harbouring. I have stacks to spare. Maybe we could share it with the saintly people who don't get the Bad Thoughts?

Red Shoes - quite so. Quite, quite so.

Justme - dentistic. It definitely suggests the bad neuralgic pain these shopping trips inspire.

Ptooie - yeesh. I'll light a candle to Nathan for you.

Peevish - that's part of its cruel magic. I think they diffuse some kind of dangerous addictive, amnesia-inducing substance through the modishly cheap doughnuts. [Yes. He is really creep-tastic isn't he? Sorry little anomaly. Yick]

CA - do you think the cancellation is effective over here? I might avail myself. "The internet says Christmas is cancelled".

Jaywalker said...

Persephone - that title is so damn good. I am ordering forthwith.
Sarah Brightman - drinks her wee? Or is that the other one? Non-working monkey, if you are out there, please elucidate.

Grit - Tune in tomorrow for a chance to WIN a Belgian advent calendar. Yeah!

J. said...

Josh Groban is, unfortunately, very successful in the U.S. They play his music everywhere: Oprah shows, yoga classes, the bathroom at the mall, doctors' waiting rooms, etc. Which is too bad, as he is the Captain of Creepy.

Jaywalker said...

Captain creepy. YOU SAID IT J. This blog is standing firm against Josh Groban and his ilk.

bonnie-ann black said...

well, being single, my annual shopping trip to ikea here in NY is a pleasure. i buy odd and unusual gift items for my nephews and nieces in the hinterlands of the bible belt, who have never seen an ikea. additionally, i load up on swedish culinary delights like herring, the meatballs and ligonberry jam to use at my annual Lucia Day party. mass quantities are consummed. on the other hand, if i go to a Wal-Mart -- with *anyone* -- i am ready to get that weedwacker from the garden department and go about the place decapitating anyone and everyone... i think it may be the florescent lighting, although it might also be the aroma of death-to-the-independent-shopkeeper that lingers in the air.

a suggestion for expanding Mr Jaywalker's swearing vocabulary: watch the movie, "Johnny Dangerously"... some samples:

you icehole!
fargin' bastige
sumanabotchin

bonnie-ann black said...

PS i'm also loving the advent calendar idea. i make my own, so perhaps next year i'll add a line of coping with holiday stress calendars with little suggestions like, "kick a small child today," or "accidentally knock over a christmas display" as the daily inspiration.

Jaywalker said...

Bonnie-ann - damn, this could be such a fruitful collaboration! I'll do the horrible fillings as per newest post, and you can do the messages. 2009 Joint advent calendar - you on?

bonnie-ann black said...

joint snarky advent calendar collaboration -- sans Ikea! sounds great. your place or mine?

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