Monday, 1 December 2008

I am still here

I am free of the shackles of NaBloPoMo, but you are not free from me, oh no. I am brimming with trivia to share.

Today I note:

1. I should never be left alone with a family sized bag of Maltesers. It is reminding me of the time Lashes upturned the fish food canister in the fish tank and the pontypines ate themselves to death. I feel just like one of those bloated belly-up corpses I spent the day fishing out of the tank with a sieve. Just, you know, fish me out retching gently and dispose of me. It's the only way.

2. If it is possible to get an emergency appointment with a specialist on short notice, there is probably a very good reason why he is free. Why thank you, Doctor Evil, for sticking a needle in my knee, painting it yellow and leaving it in all other respects identical! The new pain on the extreme right of my knee is indeed most distracting! Much better. Here are your fifty euros. Top of the morning to you!

3. BMF and I are BAD for each other. BMF decided that what we both needed this morning was a website full of interviews with ex-lawyers who have escaped the profession to do much more interesting, glamorous and creative stuff. Several of them have book deals. Or boutiques. The whole thing made me die inside.

E: Why did you send me this. WHY. I am going to hit myself in the head with this heavy "certified copy" stamp until the pain stops. Or is there anyone else you need me to hate with a passion today?

BMF: Oh god, I don't know why I exposed us to this. Hypothermia? Stop reading it.

E: Maybe we should set up a rival website called, for embittered lawyers to rage at their ex-colleagues good fortune and snark about the poor quality of their output.

BMF: That could work. But surely we need some content other than our deranged outbursts?

E: I can't imagine why.

4. Brussels taxi drivers are inordinately fond of blonde jokes. I had a litany of blonde jokes both on way to, and back from Doctor Evil's lair. There must have been a memo or something. One of them explained to me that blonde jokes existed because the Québécois called all women "blondes". I also now know where to find the cheapest petrol in Brussels (Chaussée de Mons).

5. Somehow I have managed to accumulate 6 advent calendars. This happens every year. I have not bought any Christmas presents. I do have 3 new baubles though. They are small wooden birds from here. They are mighty fine. No, I will not be giving them away as emergency Christmas gifts. They are MINE.

6. UK tv at 3am is quite comforting and informative for the sleepless and whimpering. I have found out many fascinating things in the last two nights on Kneewatch. I vouch for the veracity of none, however, since most were gleaned from Channel 5. The appearance of Channel 5 from nowhere on my tv is causing me great joy. There is nothing better for insomnia than implausible "factual" programming about freakish natural phenomena, animals, catastrophes or large machines narrated by shouty male voiceover artistes high on superlatives and hyperbole. When Lashes was tiny, the CFO used to sit on the sofa with him watching a series of peerless Channel 5 programmes called, variously "Ultimate tanks", "Ultimate submarines", "Ultimate combine harvesters" "Ultimate bridges", "Ultimate vacuum cleaners", etc etc while I tried to sleep. Only ONE of those is made up. Honestly.

Anyway. Alligator blood kills all known bacteria. Anna Ryder Richardson's camel died from inadequate worming treatment (and not, as Katyboo suspected, from too much swagging and stencil work). As an aside, the Wikipedia entry above says that Anna Ryder Richardson suggests that those thinking of getting a pet should instead adopt a Chinese baby. Given how she treated her pet camel, I am not sure it bodes well for any adoptee babies she may have in mind, but no matter. Kenneth Branagh makes a most inadequate Swedish detective. Rhino skin is an inch thick. Marks and Spencer still has money to burn on elaborate Christmas ads and Noémie Lenoir is still not allowed to wear any clothes. AT CHRISTMAS for god's sake. Can't the poor woman have a flannelette nightie at least? Some reindeer motif pyjamas? The Dutch version of "Beauty and the Geek" (Beauty en de Nerd) is better than the orginal, mainly because of not understanding the dialogue. The Simple Life is not improved by any alternative language versions available in Belgium, probably because they use subtitles. Nicole Richie dubbed into phlegmish might be very entertaining indeed.

Have you noted anything you'd like to share with the rest of the class today?


Pochyemu said...

I've noticed that shopkeepers in England are most unhelpful.

An example might be:

A. "Excuse me, I'm having an allergic reaction and my throat is swelling up. I've probably got 3 minutes to live. Would you have anything for that? Some tablets perhaps?"
B. "Hmm, I don't know...probably not...I mean, I guess I could look if you want but...have you tried Superdrug?"

or (and this is real):

A. "Excuse me, do you know if you have any frozen edamame?"
B. "..."
A. "...It's frozen soya know, Posh eats them..."
B. "...Have you tried by the dried herbs?"
A. "...?"

Red Shoes said...

Congratulations on escaping November alive. I have some advice for you.

Stop eating the Malteasers. Pere Fouettard would certainly not approve. Although... being stuck in a bag and kicked to Barcelona sounds like a rather nice way to spend Christmas. Especially if you landed close enough to Enric Rovira. Or some nice anchovies. Or tomato bread. Or any of the lovely things I am told they have in Spain. sigh I wouldn't know personally.

As for the knee, just have it removed. Who need knees anyway? They are so much trouble.

bevchen said...

You have six advent calendars?? I don't even have one. There's something rather unfair about this...

Zed said...

1. I didn't get enough sleep last night due to sleeping next to what sounded like a hippo with severe man-flu.

2. Christmas decorations are already up - and somebody in Denmark wished me a Merry Christmas - THIS MORNING. That isn't normal.

3. Always get your 'queue ticket' when ENTERING the post office before you have even decided what you have gone in there for. It saves time. And back-ache.

4. That I MUST go to the Maison Communale in the pitch dark on Thursday to collect my new ID card.

5. My water bill has gone down for the first time since 2005 - Santa arrived early, for a change.

6. I think I have caught my colleague's cold. Say it ain't so .... (Murray Head, anybody?).


Anonymous said...

And there needs to be a sad little Web site for lawyers who try to escape the profession and end up in even more tedious jobs with strange quasi-military titles surrounded by "colleagues" whose dearest wish is to go to law school -

Jaywalker said...

Pochyemu - Ha. I love the edamame discussion. Where was this? Tesco? But also TRY FRANCE.

Red Shoes - I couldn't bear another one anyway. I feel like they're about to come out of my nose. Sorry, TMI. Knees are definitely an evolutionary throwback. They are just poor.

Poor Bevchen. Shall I send you one? I have spares.

I think you could get the Père Fouettard to come round and kick Q awake, Zed.

Anonymous - Please tell me that such people do not exist? Have you not explained to them the pure horror?

Completely Alienne said...

I have learned today that children never grow up, instead, as they get bigger they just do as they please and you can't stop them anymore. I used to resist putting up christmas decorations until the end of term. I came home from work today to find the christmas decorations have been put up for me - and we won't even be in the country for christmas.

PS please start jealous; ever hopeful, I actually clicked on the link!!

MY wv was rellyzap - what a wonderful word.

katyboo1 said...

My friend overheard a conversation in the playground today which went: 'And now I have to go home and sieve his pooh.' Which is nice, and made me feel thankful that I don't have to sieve anyone's pooh today.

Although one can never be sure what the morrow will bring...

lisa in san diego said...

of course i clicked the blue words and zinged over to the ex-lawyers website, and now i am just as depressed as you and bmf. i will never, never escape. that website is as bad as the HUGE section in one of the GIANT corporate bookstores nearby for those sad souls looking for advice on how to escape the law. IT'S JUST IMPOSSIBLE. i will die at my desk, covered in half-printed cases and badly-written briefs.

well, this has certainly been fun. back to the salt-mines!

Jaywalker said...

CA - I totally would start but BMF is so paranoid he deletes my emails from his deleted items folder in case I say anything disrespectful of the law and has a superstitious fear of the internet stealing his soul. I am on my own in this endeavour.

Katyboo - for this we can all be thankful. Pourvu que ça dure as the turkey part of over here would say.

Jaywalker said...

Lisa - a little market research for would it make you feel better to have a forum where you can share your despair and corrosive jealousy of the escapees? Or rather worse?

lisa in san diego said...

i think it would depend on the quality of the writing -- and given what i know about the writing talents of my fellow u.s. lawyers, i'm not optimistic. in any event, if there is comedy gold to be mined from the frustrating bedrock of legal employment (now there's a metaphor) i'll be there to stake my claim (metaphor just really failed me there).

Red Shoes said...

In other news, the fingers of my left hand smell like garlic. Again. As always. And my WV is "grave". I"m dying, aren't I?

Pochyemu said...

Jaiwalquer - It totally was Tesco, how did you guess? I suppose it wasn't fair asking a 10 year old shop assistant from Bracknell about anything 'foreign'.

Also, I always eat Maltesers because I bought into the lie that they're like the lightest chocolate thing you can eat. But Rob stopped buying them for me on his way home from work because everytime I sat down with the bag I would end up crying, standing in front of the mirror. I've been on a 2 week haiatus from their evil chocolatey clutches...but I'm getting some tonight!

Parisgirl said...
This comment has been removed by the author.
Parisgirl said...

Jaywalker I'm somewhat concerned about those two boys pictured with the bearded chap in the strange red costume. Aren't they supposed to look happy not worried? And what's with the white nylon gloves? If it wasn't in such bad taste given recent events, I'd suggest calling Social Services.

Mr Farty said...

Fouettard looks a lot like fucktard, one of my favourite words.

And my word ver is "matiza" - definitely a sign that blogger is developing conshous- er, waking up.

Thanks for the earworm, Zoe - I ♥ Murray Head.

ptooie said...

1. my favorite chocolate item that involves effort on my part: take 2 slices thick bread, spread a thin layer of Nutella between, dunk sandwich of hazelnut goodness in liquid to make french toast, prepare as french toast.
Dust with powdered sugar, enjoy decadent breakfast.
2. Naturally, since I discovered the joy of this, my store has not had the proper bread.
3. When one is in a walking boot to heal an ankle, leaving toes (in socks, but still) exposed, one will be forced to do many delivery trips for work the day winter hits with howling wind and snow (and some frigid puddles to step in).

Kate said...

Today, I learned that if you have 20% off and you are thinking about buying a bag, you should just buy the damned bag because it won't be there a couple hours later, even in the second color that you didn't really like.

I was also reminded that I shouldn't be such a paranoid arse because (often) it's not me, it's them.

WV today - zonary... interesting.

Jaywalker said...

Internet - Red Shoes clearly has some kind of Dr House style mystery disease - diagnoses please. Is it lupus? Paraneoplastic syndrome? Whatever you do, don't put her in the MRI tube or something terrible will happen.

Pochyemu - 2 weeks with no maltesers seems like an impossible mountain to climb. Even with yeterday's chocolatey remorse still heavy upon me, I know that by 11 this morning they will be singing their siren song.

Paris Girl - I refer you to Sunday's post. They have good reason to be veeerrrry scared. The gloves are indescribably creepy, I agree.

Mr F- wow, that's sort of disturbing. I got "worty" when Belette was posting about warts.

Ptooie - I am making my appalled face at the toeless boot. Ouf. Badness.

Kate - I really hope you have learned your lesson. There's a 3.1Philip Lim blouse out there teaching me the exact same thing. Kate taught me about musk ox belly hair today internet. I am SO knowledgeable it is slightly scary.

justme said...

I have noticed that other people are doing xmas things....including sending me cards. I am wondering if I can get away with ignoring it altogether, or whether I shall be forced to go and buy a christmas tree. And if so whether I could avoid the usual 'real' one, which never survives anyway, and go for a tasteful plastic number.
And I am wondering why Red Shoes STILL has no blog, when she clearly has as much nonsence to offer as the rest of us!
Word verification.....watent. Perhaps you have watent on the knee? Hope it is better soon.

A Confused Take That Fan said...

Jaywalker. I missed the Anna Ryder Richardson's documentary on the zoo so thanks for the update on the camel who wasn't wormed. God rest his soul...

Things I have learnt today -
being named and shamed over bad and dangerous parking in the school newsletter makes me feel like I am five and being told off. It made my tummy turn in that way that makes you feel like you need the loo.

I think I have made a bad choice over my daughters pre school as when I went to pick her up she had not taken her coat off for 2 1/2 hours and still had fingers like
ice blocks.

I am a lazy arse. I haven't just learnt that today, but it has been reconfirmed. In my two and a half hours of child free time I did sod all. I didn't make one bed. I didn't load the dishwasher. I didn't clean anything. Instead I put on crap programmes about selling and doing up houses, looked at other peoples photos on facebook and ate biscuits.

Jaywalker said...

Justme - Tell them you are not celebrating. For "personal reasons". Ask them for a donation to your therapy fund.

CTTF - Ooh, named? Really? That is harsh. I get "un peu plus d'ordre s'il vous plait" in the homework diary, addressed at me, not Lashes. You did right. Two and a half hours is precious and not for housework.