Friday, 19 December 2008

Go forth and sin some more

Whilst this blog is rapidly turning into a tear stained confessional for me to self-flagellate all over and make offerings on Peevish's Euro Altar of Pain (I promise to get funnier! Please don't leave! I have great plans for a second installment of Belgium with toys..), it strikes me that we have not opened the real Waffle confessional for some time. So. I am putting on my most judgmental sneer, my purple robes and I am airing out the kneelers and putting some incense out and I am ready for you. Yes. And you. And you too at the back, I bet you have a few.

I assume you all remember how the Belgian Waffle ecumenical confessional goes. I confess some sins, you give me penance, then you confess some sins, and I give you penance. Then we all go forth and sin no more for oooh, five minutes or so.

I will keep my sins brief today, since you are all heartily sick of them, I imagine.

Bless me internet for I have sinned. It has been five weeks since my last confession.

1. I still haven't cancelled our old internet provider so they are still charging us. Since (cough) September.

3. The CFO ate some nuts yesterday from our cupboard and found they were full of MOTH LARVAE. I found this horrifying and funny in equal measure. My middle name is schadenfreude.

4. I am obsessed with blogging. I LOVE it in a sick junkie fashion. I am desperately trying to make up for all the lost years when I was shopping, and talking to myself and taking long walks around London, and sinking in a stew of despair instead of blogging. The Bearded One and Stepmother are coming for the weekend and all I can think of is how, and when, I will get to sneak away with my laptop and make sweet love to it. It is quite probable that blogging is in fact merely replacing my other compulsions and neuroses rather than making them better. I am choosing to believe otherwise. The CFO wishes me to not touch the computer after 4pm or at weekends from January and I am having an extremely hard time coming to terms with this. Mainly it makes me want to place him in a box in the crisper drawer until he cheers up, but sadly the crisper drawer is full. So instead I am going with silently resentful.

5. I am insanely jealous of everyone out there with a book deal, or a newspaper column or a fun job. All of you. I hate you. Not you Marie you have an actual book and it is ace. Or Zoe (who I can't link to because her blog is filth). That doesn't count. I generally have serious issues with other people's success in fields more interesting and glamorous than the law. I confide in BMF in incoherent emails 'If x gets her fucking screenplay accepted I am just going to shrivel up and die. Truly. In a black ball of hatred.' etc etc etc. I find Zoe William's baby column in G2 unbelievably annoying because I could have done that! Better! Sorry Zoe Williams, I am sure that is not true, but this is the confessional and all, so I have to 'fess up properly. Otherwise they'll sent me to some Belgian hell where the Père Fouettard will smite me with scorpions or speculoos or something. Anyway, it kills me. Because I listened to my fearsome father and became a lawyer, which is the most sucktastic job imaginable when your heart is not in it (er, all the time).

6. I have eaten seven Celebrations this morning. I am stopping now, but still. You are NOT my friend chocolate. Fuck off and die.

7. I am spending too much money still. I am taking advantage of the CFO's paranoid financial crisis juggling to siphon small amounts off various accounts ni vu ni connu. I am unrepentant. Oh shit, it doesn't count if I'm unrepentant, does it? Ok, I AM repentant.

Right. That's me. Suggested penances please, and form an orderly queue for confession! Hallelujah!


Tracey said...

Oh man. I hear you on some of those points. Especially making love to my blog and feeling seething jealousy over someone else's success.

And then shame for being such a child.

But still being jealous...

expateek said...

Oh dear. I have just seen the fundamental flaw of your Secular Confessional which goes thusly:

I can confess my sins in a nearly anonymous way (i.e., my Other and Children will not probably find their way to your blog) but YOU are confessing on your OWN blog... and what if tortoises can read? You're up the proverbial creek, Madame!

As regards sins:

1? totally normal. Forget about it.

2. See answer for 8.

3? Hmmm. Look away, look away. But does he have nice pecs? Can you send a photo? Oh, never mind. I didn't say that.

4) is not a problem, as tortoises love moth larvae. If he made small gagging sounds, it was only to indicate his extraordinary pleasure at being offered such a tasty treat. This is again completely normal. Go forth and secure more of these nibbles for him. It's a long winter and you want to keep his weight/length ratio in order.

5? Yes, massive sinning here too. I think about this writing/blogging stuff day and night. My university- age son arrived today, and said, "MOM! How many pictures of action figures did you TAKE?" Ummm... 300? Maybe 250. Hard to get the lighting right, and using macro with flash... always tricky. So yes. Big issue. Fortunately Mr D still has a day job, so he can't witness the massive time-sink that is blogging.

6? Jealousy? Yes. Tick. Especially regarding the whingeing and (I think humourless) Dooce. Irritation of the week for me.

7? Chocolate? 1/2 a full size Lindt Sea Salt dark chocolate bar per day. Thank god I exercise. Need to stop this now. (The chocolate, not the exercise).

8? Money? Well -- here's your penance. Go cancel that stupid internet provider right now and then you will be SAVING money. Which you can ferret away for ... something else that's nice.

There. You are absolved. Bless you my child.

Kate said...

i so admire you for playing hooky. no repentance needed.

oh my god. you caught the moths from me over the internet. i'm sorry. worms will be raining from your ceiling soon. gag. throw out EVERTHING in that cupboard that a moth might like and get yourself a drink and you're absolved.

I'm jealous of everyone who owns their apartment and has money. if they have a home office, i hate them more. if they have a husband who helps out at home, hate them. if he's fit, hate them more. if they actually have sex... forget it. i'm so disgusted at the thought of people having both money and sex that i have to go get some chocolate.

my confessions - 1) i'm hopelessly addicted to sugar. 2) i dropped my daughter off with the sitter this morning and forgot to bring her lunch.

lisa in san diego said...

(prefatory cracking of knuckles):

1. i am right now considering telling everyone that i am going home to work in my empty house (last day of school for my spawn) -- BUT WHEN I GET HOME, I AM MOST UNLIKELY TO ACTUALLY WORK. so much for mutual absolution.
2. i have birthday presents from last year i still haven't mailed. you're on your own here.
3. i'll see you the crush on mr. stalin, and raise you a crush on my spawn's kindergarten teacher. which has lasted 2 years. and requires detailed daytime fantasizing.
4. we get the moths raining from the ceiling too! usually not till summer, but still. i agree with expateek: cfo is just as ashamed of his love for larvae as you are of your love for mr. stalin.
5. don't blog -- but am obsessed with facebook.
6. hate all who are not lawyers. inc./esp. my husband, the academic, who gets 3 months off for summer break and has the nerve to complain about the demands on his time.
7. have no money left. it's all wrapped and sitting under the christmas tree. expect to be living under the christmas tree, in the alley, soon.

feel better?

Iheartfashion said...

I fear that my addiction to blogging/reading blogs is verging on the unhealthy as well. I often ask my children to leave me alone because "mommy's working", only to sit reading through every inane story on Gawker. The mere fact of sitting at the computer allows me to call it work, although there is no money involved.
And can I tell you that I regret NOT taking my parents' advice to become a lawyer. I've worked in publishing and the arts and been a personal shopper and always thought it would be great to have the sort of steady, good-paying gig that I imagine lawyering provides. Guess I hadn't considered the boredom aspect of it.
As far as sinning: I am guilty of gluttony, jealosy and selfishness every day of the week.

Red Rum said...

I am with Iheart fashion - I wish that I'd become a lawyer too. Then I would have earned enough to pay for a decent amount of childcare. We know a couple who have a fulltime nanny and it's FANTASTIC, they come home to an immaculate house and the children bathed and ready for bed. I am convinced that this is better than going back to the 1950s and letting the brain rot as I am doing. As a consequence I am so apathetic that I can barely be bothered to blog, let alone envy someone else's success!!! So keep the faith with the law, baby. It means that you're not just Mrs X and Mummy to Y and Z. EATING like a truffle piglet is my sin....RR xxx

Marie said...

You plugged my book - go straight to Heaven, pass Go, collect £200.

justme said...

1)I disappear from work without explanation at least three times a week. That one doesnt count.
2)You must go NOW and cancell the internet provider. Sorted.
3)Nothing wrong with strange crushes. There is a whole GROUP for people who have those, on Facebook.
4)The moths are not your responsibility. They are clearly a job for the CFO.
5)Blogging.....ah.....well you have me there! Because if YOU are guiltyof excessive internet use, aren't we all? And is it not better and cheaper than the therapy we would all need if we were not harmlessly obsessing on the internets? I too am obsessed, and with Facebook too! You could suggest to the CFO that he has no contact with tortoises after 4.00pm or at weekends! How would he like that??
6)Jealousy may be unproductive, but it is natural. You are forgiven!
7)Well done for stopping after seven! Chocolate is one of my many weeknesses and I rarely have les than a whole large bar of Green and Blacks organic each day...
9)yesterday I spent £160 without a second thought on a lovely blue silk dress that caught my eye while I was in selfridges waiting for a massage appointment (another £60). I then spent £90 on body creams...... Spending way too much money is fun.
All of your sins are wonderfully human and minor (apart from the spitting in the cup thing, which I am hoping you have stopped!) and you are totally forgiven on account of the wonderful pleasure that your blog brings daily to our lives. No other penance required but that you keep up the good work and dont let the CFO stem the flow!

DCup said...

I'm reading through the comments to see if you've been given enough penance. How about this one - you must say something nice about Mr. Stalin three days in a row. Too hard? Too easy?

And as for my sins, may I borrow your #5, although my husband doesn't complain too much about the amount of time I spend online.

And the worst that doesn't involve food, but does involve addiction - I can't bring myself to delete my ex-lover's rss feed. It's like picking at a scab to read his posts, but I just can't delete and goodness knows I don't want him to know I'm reading his posts.

Pochyemu said...

Your penance is to eat nothing but salad for a week to detox from chocolate, and to go on a cold turkey no spending diet (you can read about me breaking all of these rules on my latest blog post).

My confession is that I've been reading your blog on my phone when I'm unable to access a computer (due to all the shopping!) even though I'm using my English SIM card, so it's probably costing me a fortune.

(Is this creepy? Probably. But I have such a nice new silk scarf I can't wait to show you!)

Persephone said...

1. I've been moaning and whinging about being a field trip parent five times this month and twice this week (including today).

2. Although I claim the above has slowed down my Christmas preparations, in actual fact, I've been blog-grazing to avoid doing said Christmas preparation.

3. I've also been doing Christmas preparation to avoid posting in my blog.

4. I've been flying in the face of Christmas cheer by plotting to pelt striking bus drivers (on strike for over a week now with little hope of bus service until late January, the curs) with avocados, artichokes, and asparagus. This is I don't much care for avocados, artichokes and asparagus. Maybe I'll lob some curried stuff at them as well.

5. I should be using #4 as a blog post subject rather than writing it here, but I'm avoiding that. Along with the said Christmas preparation...

P said...

Jesus H, I'm with you about hating people with fun jobs and book deals. To them I say, EFF OFF, EFFERS! I bet we could take Zoe Williams down with both hands tied behind our backs. I've never read her column, nor have I heard of her, but if you hate her, so do I.

Please quit your job and devote yourself to blogging full-time. I want MORE.

Titian red said...

I ran away from home last week and stayed away overnight and only I know where I was...... well it was that or loose the plot utterly

I still haven't done ANY Christmas cards - think I'll start a tradition of New Year greetings

I lost my temper with my teenagers so spectacularly I lost my voice

I cannot think of a single thing to get my husband for Christmas (this one worries me)

I am going to Paris tomorrow for 4 days and I am not excited at all

I found a mouse (ex-mouse) in the filter of my tumble drier

at the moment I am not a good person and I crave absolution.....

Red Shoes said...

Penance No.1: Bring in a nice treat for the staff on your last day as an apology for hating them and your job all this time .

Penance No.2: Call and cancel the merchant account for the business I tried to start earlier this year and never got off the ground. They are charging me $50/month for nothing. Give me the number to call and cancel your internet. We penance each other. If they only speak Belgian or French or some such language, then my end of the bargain is off. Sorry.

Penance No.3: Go and watch the teenage-train-wreck that is Twilight and transfer your sick, twisted crush to Rob Pattinson. Wait, on second thought, no. He's my boyfriend now and you can't have him. Abort! Abort!

Penance No.4: Give poor CFO some chocolate covered clementines to wash taste of moth maggots out of his mouth. Only eat three of them yourself. The rest are all his.

Penance No.5: Tell CFO to suck it! Oh wait, that's hardly a penance is it. *sigh* Make sure you finish your blogging by at lest 6pm. After that, you are only allowed to read and respond to comments. That's not blogging, after all. It's... ehm, communicating with friends. Weekends, however, he's going to have to deal with. What kind of dictator does he think he is??

Penance No.6: This is not a sin. Working at something you hate is soul-gutting. You don't need that. You need and deserve to be freeeee.

Penance No.7: Give the rest to CFO as per Penance No.4. Better yet, just throw it away. If you're going to sin, do it with good chocolate. You are now allowed 5 chocolate covered clementines instead of the afore-prescribed 3. If you really need Celebrations, indulge yourself with THIS instead.

Penance No.8: Stop for 2 weeks. You can do it. I promise. You will hate it but you will feel much better about things. After the two weeks, buy yourself some nice boots to go with that new coat. You'll need warm feet with your glamorous, paper-thin coat or you'll get sick.

Bless you my child.

bonnie-ann black said...

for all of you here, i hereby give the following penitence:

1. you must send me all your chocolate. now. i have no food issues, eating issues, or excessive guilt. i will be your scapegoat, your sin eater and devour all your temptations.

2. i will take your accumulated time off and use it to good effect, as in visiting england, belgium and paris, in your name. i shall take this yoke on me and bear it with grace and dignity.

3. cast your ancient cans of mixed nuts upon the grass of local parks. squirrels and birds do not care and will eat moths and nuts equally happily. apply your pain as st. francis would -- feed the animals. buy new nuts.

4. the sin of envy is best absolved by doing something creative yourself, but since i am working on a book myself (no deal yet though, and slaving in the wage-slave cubicle farm of a law office, i think this lets me off)...i will endeavor to absorb your envy and turn it into a literary masterpiece.

5. for those who cannot think of something for their husbands, i shall have wild and abandoned sex (in my head) with david tennant - this may not make you feel better, but it gives me something to look forward to.

6. as for spending money: within the next year, there will be no money left for anyone; our economies shall reverse to barter and trade, so spend it all now while you can.

Teum absolvetem... go in peace, sin no more until next week -- or think of new sins.

Dani said...

Don't bother with penance. I'm doing enough for both of us. No idea what sins I committed that were so large and gruesome but my penance so far consists of;
1/ Bread Winner (along with his entire division) made redundant

2/ Bread Winner at home all day driving me crazy

3/ Bread Winner hit by a truck whilst on his motorbike. Relatively unharmed, bike written off, insurers being unnecessarily difficult

4/ Forced to spend Christmas Day, night AND Boxing Day with alcoholic MIL and judgemental, supercilious BIL and SIL

5/ Have put back out quite badly and have been in agony since Monday. Cannot afford to go to osteo to get it fixed just yet (see item 1)

So you see I am performing enough penance for all.

Jaywalker said...

FUCK BLOGGER. I just replied to, like EVERYONE and it ate it. Fuck you blogger. AARRRgh.

OK. Once again.

Tracey - maybe a small voodoo doll might help us?

Expateek - ah, you see I think the solution would be for you to host sometimes. Then I could confess with greater anonymity. as for #4 - oh dear, that is so tempting. Also, whilst tortoises can, technically read, they generally choose 'what hi fi' or 'haute fidelité' magazine above the oeuvre of female tortoises. Er, not pecs. No. Very much not. I take my internet penance though.

Kate - ark. You gave me larvae through hyperspace? You're a witch. Is it better or worse to not give a shit if you never have sex again? Hmm. Your penance is, oooh, to spend christmas in rural france being showered with vomitsome tat from carrefour and watching patrick sebastien.

Lisa - we are twins in legal doom. It's hopeless. Might be quite restful to live under the christmas tree. Sort of nordic.

Iheart - I use that 'mummy is working' line too. We are going straight to hell, I think. Can i just say, though that there is no boredom like a day of lawyering. It's worse even than 14hrs of pre-schooler tv.

RedRum - but I hate it soooo much. Must I? Must I really? Ark.

Jaywalker said...

Marie - eh, any time. Buy Marie's book people. It is very good and full of hot deity sex.

Justme - that makes me feel better about my spending. Your penance is to test the creams rigorously and tell me whether they work. I accept the penance. First locate fucking modem number...

DCup - hmm. I am intrigued. Must I say something nice on line or in real life? You need to delete that feed. But who am I to tell you what to do; instead I would like to give you the following penance -

Pochyemu - you are so lovely. Ha! I will want photos of that scarf. Fat chance with that penance, but I shall try.

Persephone - this is more a suggestion than a penance, because I actually think you are secretly very saintly. How about you give up on presents and tell everyone you have got them a charity goat. I mean, who is really going to check?

P - you see, this AND Fuck you penguin are the reasons why I love you. Yeah, let's solve our jealously with extreme physical violence. I think she's quite tall, but we are tremendously bitter and stabby. We could totally take her!

Titian - I am very jealous of your fugue. Next time can I come? Your penance is to take the ex-mouse to paris with you, and deposit it in the pocket of the rudest shop assistant you encounter. THAT gives you something to look forward to!

RedShoes - #2 is a deal. You need to find my goddam modem number though. I would totally stop spending for 2 weeks if it weren't for fucking christmas; I have already turned down paris colleague's evil suggestion of first day of sales trip to paris. get thee behind me tiny blonde satan! I have sent BMF to see your ridiculous tousle haired boy crush. He is preparing his most disapproving face.

Bonnie-ann - are you in fact a catholic priest? You are SO good at this. Would you like to take over in confession? I am going forth to cast my nuts.

Dani - the universe is being something of a bastard to you, no? Seriously universe, sort it out. NOW. You are owed some major good luck there. Shall I send chocolate? It is not my friend, but maybe it can be yours?

bonnie-ann black said...

no, but when i was a young girl i *wanted* to be a priest. when i found out i only boys could be altar boys and priests, it engendered a severe parting of the ways between me and "Mother" Church (seems wrongs somehow -- mother church, but no women priests). i've tried all the major religions and dabbled in a few of the minor ones, but for sheer ceremony and all, you cannot beat the catholics. or you couldn't. high episcopal (anglican) gives them a run for the money now, what with the folk masses and audience participation and all.

Jaywalker said...

Bonnie-ann - I feel you had a vocation. Also, you are right. The Space Cadette has been to catholic camp twice and there was speaking in tongues and all manner of drama.

Red Shoes said...

I have sent BMF to see your ridiculous tousle haired boy crush. He is preparing his most disapproving face.

That's just fine because he's mine, ALL MIIIIINE!! BMF can keep his paws off my far-too-young-and-mostly ridiculous-but-for-those-eyes-and-bangs-and-shoulders-mmmmm-hetero-mainstream-boyfriend too! We don't need his approval for our love.

*runs away to have more dirty, pervy fantasies*

Jaywalker said...

Also, D Cup, I forgot to give you your penance! Badness. Josh Groban appeared on French tv and sucked my brain out with his creepiness.
So. Your penance is to write me a haiku about, um, anything you like. But it must include the word 'shrew'. Ok? Ok.

DCup said...

Your penance is to write me a haiku about, um, anything you like. But it must include the word 'shrew'. Ok? Ok.

Okay. But it's gonna hurt.

Pearl said...

Oh, Miss Waffle,how I wish you and I could share a drink or three some night!

WV: Huria
Def.: The upper echelon of those who hurry.

Juci said...

As a Lutheran, I can't dish out any penance. I'm afraid you will only be forgiven if you are truly repentant. No other conditions apply. Tough love, I know.
I was contemplating my own sins, and I think it all boils down to one of the deadly seven: sloth. I can't be bothered to do anything that I don't enjoy doing. That includes housework, cooking, writing my thesis, working out, eating other stuff than biscuits or chocolate. (Okay, I do enjoy eating normal, healthy food as well, in fact I might be quite a glutton if there were someone who would actually cook it for me.) The baby's lucky he's so cute (and so demanding) so I can't ignore him, but apart from tending to him, I don't get much done any given day.
This is a permanent trait (or rather flaw) of my character, one that had caused my parents enough chagrin back in the day. This is why at thirty, I'm the only one in our family who didn't even get a degree (EVERYBODY else is a PhD, no less) or a proper job, one where you work away from home and get paid every month.
And I want two more kids, and I can't blame my husband for being inclined to say no.

Persephone said...

Persephone - this is more a suggestion than a penance, because I actually think you are secretly very saintly.

Secretly Saintly? That has to be the title of my next blog (or unpublished novel)! It's a really big secret that I'm saintly; not even God has noticed! The fact is, I haven't fully confessed to you how awful I am. But I will tell you, by way of a hint, that I too have sex-in-my-head with David Tennant. I do it behind bonnie-ann's back. And there will be no need for penance because bonnie-ann will be coming to kill me. Also in my head.

Zed said...

You DIDN'T plug my book - go straight to hell. Oh, and misery guts 'poor me - people who have columns bla bla' - you never thanked me for the (paid) job-on-the-side that I got you. Stay in hell.

My blog is not full of filth. Everybody else can link to it except you. That makes you crap, ungrateful and fucking unhelpful. Just remember, hell is nice and warm at this time of year.

Did I sound bitter? Oooooo, lovely. You know me, you old tart.

Jaywalker said...

Juci - eh, me too. Are you repentant? I just couldn't give a shit.

Persephone - I believe this is fairly widespread. That man is a total fantasy sex slut.

Zed - I said I didn't fucking hate you! Is that not enough for you WOMAN? Go to Zed's blog - MY BOYFRIEND IS A TWAT - everyone and buy her book. It is probably excellent but I haven't read it. Shit, she's going to kill me now.

Zed said...

I don't care if you fucking hate me or love me. You have driven me to sit in a bath with a bottle of wine and my laptop precariously (or whatever the word should be) balanced on my tits.

I am bitter - yay, that's me. But I'm not going to confess because that's for wusses.

Oh, and read my book woman.

Janey said...

Zoe Williams' baby column: Aaargh! Sooo Bad. My Guardian-obsessed friend and I have oft slagged her drivelly witterings. As if we need any more propergators of the mummys are boring and unamusing with Farley's-rusk-brains myth. Lady, Get thee gone and write some dreary yummy mummy chick lit. I mean how does the woman hold her head up and write in the opinion section any more. We need to unite and tell her No One Cares! I bet her best friend doesn't even care! I mean she doesnt even have an amusing name for her spawn like you do, just an initial, in the manner of a 14 year old crush! An initial! Its like reading a very boring diary!

You on the other hand are the Belgian Hadley Freeman. Without the unfortunate admiration for V. Beckham. Please please please take out Williams and take her job writing something original and funny.

Aaah. That was cathartic. Really didnt know I felt so strongly about that...

Jaywalker said...

Zed - you really want to watch out for that laptop in the bath thing. Remember what happened to Claude François..

Janey - ah, I am not alone, hallelujah! Thank you. I feel marginally less of a bitter old crone now. Yawn yawn yawn-tastic.

Barb McMahon said...

I out people at dinner parties.

Fortunately, not, as yet, anyone in attendance, but still.


Jaywalker said...

Barb - hmm. I sentence you to read an incredibly dreary and sycophantic celebrity magazine, such as Hello.

bonnie-ann black said...

i did have a vocation -- at the time, but i was not content with the lowly status accorded those of my sex -- even those with better latin and a brighter mind than any of the boys who claimed a "vocation." power hungry little mediocrities who probably knew they'd never have much of a sex life anyway.

however, leaving the church, even at the age of 10 or so, left a big hole in the spiritual portion of my brain; so i tried presbyterians (my father's then-religion) where i had a hard time with the whole "predestination" thing, and insisted on equating "higher planes of existence" with heaven.

on to judaism; the most successful of the experiments (kept kosher and everything) but it let me down at a crucial moment and, like a love affair gone terribly wrong, my love died all in an instant.

dabbled in buddhism, jainism, paganism... and many other "isms". recently, a friend asked me what i was now. i just said "bitter."

my word is "ingul" an ancient assyrian god of death, no doubt.

Barb McMahon said...


Jaywalker said...

Bonnie-ann - bitter is a religion i can subscribe to. Marvellous. Go on, start your own.

Barb - yes yes yes

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