Wednesday, 10 December 2008

Dirty Old Tram

With apologies to the Pogues. I recommend you have this on as background music as you read through the meisterwerk below.

I wait for you by the museum wall
Pray you'll come in the rain outside Paul
Frostbitten toes I'm startin' to bawl
Dirty old tram
Dirty old tram

Waffles a smelling 'cross the street
Winos a pissin' on my feet
Ninety two tram, will we ever meet?
Dirty old tram
Dirty old tram

Seen the 4, all shiny and new
The 97, but where are you,
Ya useless piece of shite, the ninety two?
Dirty old tram
Dirty old tram

Gettin' a seat is full-on war
Got me arse stuck in yer tiny door
Little old lady, please don't kick me no more
Dirty old tram
Dirty old tram

I sit on the seat, where someone's peed
I break my ticket in the fucked up machine
Psycho driver, are ya on speed?
Dirty old tram
Dirty old tram

I'm gonna make me a good sharp axe
Shiny steel tempered in the microwave
Gonna chop yer fecking wheels into paperclips*
Dirty old tram
Dirty old tram

Dirty old tram
Dirty old tram
Dirty old tram
Dirty old tram

*the original doesn't rhyme either, so there


Zed said...

pikture don't work chay mwa :(

katyboo1 said...

It does sound like just the sort of tram that Shane McGowan would actually travel on too.

Very evocative of your down and dirty life in the cess pools of Belgium.

Potty Mummy said...

You're wasted as a lawyer. Wasted. (And I mean that in a good way - not a pissed way. Or is that a good way? Oh well, you know what I mean...)

Jaywalker said...

Can anyone else see the pic? Or shall I steal another one? Zed - it's just a tram. You know what they look like. Unfortunately.

Thank you PM, I take that absolutely in a good way

You too Katyboo.

justme said...

I can see the pic! And I LOVE the Pogues....but I am liking your version too..

Fat Controller said...

Sheer brilliance! Actually I rather like trams, but then I don't have to travel on them every day

Elsie said...

Humming Dirty Old Tram as I whip up some fake crab salad for dinner (though teenage sons much prefer “pasta, sausage or chicken plus green vegetable, pizza without cheese, baked potato, rice, chicken fajitas”- 16 years of cooking for boys and we have progressed only to fake crab). Shane MacGowan was born on Christmas Day, so I’m making Dirty Old Town/Tram this family’s holiday song - maybe we can go caroling after we devour this fake crab feast (teeth totally unnecessary, in honor of Shane M.)

La Belette Rouge said...

Ah!!!The joys of public transportation. Misery does inspire the best art as in the case of these lyrics that eclipse the Pogues. Hmm, but waffles. Do the waffles eclipse the pee smell? I sure hope so.

nappy valley girl said...

Superb. I'm just contemplating getting on the Northern Line, so it fed my public transport feeling of dread.....

Jaywalker said...

Thank you my friends, Fat Controller, Just me, NVG, Belette, Elsie.

Belette - No. They sort of mingle into one characteristic "Eau de Bruxelles" scent.

Elsie - So, basically, there's no hope, that's what you are telling me? Fair enough. I will think of you all carolling along festively and smile today.

Anyone who is moved to compose their own song to their mode of transport is more than welcome.

Chantal said...

It might entertain you to learn that I have a mate who is friends with Shane McGowan, and he once sat on my handbag in the pub. Asking him to please get up off my handbag was a little...awkward.

WV is "exazinn", which is prob what Shane thought I was saying when I asked him to get off the bag...

Jaywalker said...

Chantal - It's like Freddie Starr ate my hamster but better! "Shane McGowan squashed my handbag"! Sell your story to Closer magazine.

Kitschen Pink said...

eeuw! Nasty little winos. Are you sure one of them wasn't Shane McG? t.x

Iheartfashion said...


Anne said...

I'm feeling all nostalgic, I used to get the 92. It used to be a lovely modern one but then they gave that to the more worthy route down the Ave Louise and we were stuck with the old one. I actually once inquired of the STIB (please, stop sniggering) when we would be getting our nice new trams back and the lady essentially said "never". I just thought you'd like to know that.

I am forced to point out that you have never fully appreciated the joys of an old tram as you have not had to try to get a double buggy into one (fold same, stick a child under each arm and carry it on in your teeth).

Jaywalker said...

Anne (everyone else, sorry, do something else for a minute) - Yes! And there used to be the 91 too, also shiny and new, for the sole purpose of taking me to work. That was what sold me on our house. Then, six months later, no 91 and the old standard issue 1950s 92. Chiz chiz. I love that you wrote to the STIB though... We were probably on the tram together. Imagine that.

KP - They weren't singing. But who knows?

Iheart - Thank you darling!

Mr Farty said...

I'm late to the party, as usual, just catching up on my google reader. If this is what we have to look forward to when Edinburgh finally gets its trams back, I might have to give them a miss.

On the subject of, er, nothing whatsoever, why not try my Friday chart this week?

WV is "whimen" - why indeed?

ghada sayed said...

تسليك مجارى بالطائف
تنظيف خزنات بالطائف
رش مبيدات بالطائف
نقل عفش بخميس مشيط
شركة عزل اسطح بالطائف

ghada sayed said...

ان اردت نقل عفش منزلك بالدمام ابيات الشرقية من اهم شركات نقل العفش بالدمام والخبر والجبيل والقطيف والاحساء
شركة المتحدة
شركة نقل عفش بنجران
شركة نقل عفش بخميس مشيط
شركة نقل عفش بالطائف
شركة نقل عفش بمكة

ghada sayed said...

شركة نقل عفش بينبع
شركة نقل عفش بابها
شركة نقل عفش بالرياض
شركة نقل عفش بجدة

ghada sayed said...

شركة نقل عفش بالدمام
شركة نقل عفش بالمدينة المنورة
شركة نقل عفش ببريدة
شركة نقل عفش بالقصيم
شركة نقل عفش بتبوك