Saturday, 8 November 2008

Welcome to my beautiful home where moths flit gaily through the dirty socks

Ah, decisions. I had thought I might do a post about how I spend every waking moment obsessing about how terrible it will be when I am old and abandoned in a home, when all my foibles and habits will no longer be endearing (see how deluded I am? See?) but a source of irritation or disgust to my underpaid carers, and noone will put my wig on or even remember to get me an age appropriate one and I will be left bald in a corner muttering obscenities and smelling very bad. But I wasn't sure you could cope with that much fun. Can you? Straw poll in the comments box. Or there was the story of how my wig is going horribly, embarassingly bald and whether this is truly ironic, or merely Alanis Morissette ironic. Or.. no, that was it actually.


In doubt, I decided to show you some pretty things. I never do this! This is emphatically not what Belgian Waffle is about (in case anyone has strayed here from "Beautiful simple homes to make you corrode with envy" magazine), if it's 'about' anything (yes, we should have a mission statement, and it should involve moths, vegetable carving and capybaras). But I am starting to feel like I burden you enough with ghastly pictures like this:



(FYI the triops has NO EYES because it does not exist. There are NO triops, just some floating substrate to mess with my visual perception. Did I predict this? Did I? Yes I did. I am a genius.)

and this:






and this:



about how repulsive everything in my life is. So I wanted to prove to you that some things in my life are not made out of poo and pritt stick and chewed up bills. Not many, but a few. Here they are.




1. This is my OCD shelf where I keep my tea caddies and my cup perfectly aligned according to a secret ritual known only to me. It is the place I can fix my eyes on when everything else in the kitchen looks like this:









(Prize for the first person to spot my felt lover, Makka Pakka)


My cup was a present from Violet. Basically everything nice I own was probably a present or recommendation from Violet. She is amazing. Someone should give her a job as "nice thing sourcer". She has been stalking Tord Boontje since the days when he had barely picked up a scalpel.






2. Can you see what this is? It is the world's smallest bus and two snowballs crafted from a sheet of A4 paper by an amazing man called Peter Callesen. I loooove you Peter. Can I call you Peter or would that be in contempt of the restraining order you've had to take out against me?








Look! Bus!





3. This is my chair; in order to take its picture I had to remove about a million years of black clothes sedimentation. Now they are on the bed, so god knows how I will get to bed tonight. Maybe I will just shuffle them around into a comfy nest; that might do it. It is by Squint. Squint is a lovely lady called Lisa Watmough who has a very nice dog. She is good people.







4. This is another Violet special - Violet specially stalked down Palo Samko and made him send me this bird by sending him used dollar bills in an envelope. You can see why I love her, right?









5. This is a tile. I fantasise about having lots of them, but I have one. Still, one is better than none. Lubna Chowdhary does them. She is also good people.





6. The sofa, as mentioned repeatedly. That blanket? Covering the biro marks. It's still the most classy thing in the house by miles. You have to have your arse industrially sanded before you are allowed to sit on it.




7. Rob Ryan nest picture. I love it, the CFO hates it. He bought it for me anyway, which gave him some hot tortoise sex points.







8. Tiles in our hall. I have a hall with tiles! How can this be? I cannot even answer the phone six days out of seven. I am not grown up enough to have a hall. Let alone one with tiles in, even grubby tiles.



I have no idea what I am trying to prove with this. Uh, pretty pictures? 1% of the stuff in my life doesn't look like crap? Normal service will recommence tomorrow with the usual snarky nonsense.

22 comments:

Shoe Envy said...

I spy Makka Pakka! He appears to be passed out in amongst the wires at the left hand side of the picture...

Jaywalker said...

Yay! You win shoe envy!
Email the belgianwaffling@gmail.com for your glittering prize that will not contain salmonella. I hope.

Potty Mummy said...

I can't believe Shoe Envy beat me to it. I was going to make some quip about poor Makka Pakka being electrocuted by the blender, but too late, too late. (I bet she enlarged the photo too)...

Jaywalker said...

OK PM, do me a Makka Pakka joke and you can have a Belgian prize too...

katyboo1 said...

I like your nice things. Specially I like your tile, not the ones glued to your hall floor, although they too are nice, but the blue, shiny, lovely one.

If you ever get tired of it, I will volunteer to look after it for you. I will make it a nest and give it a blanket and not shout at it, like I do to my other children.

Potty Mummy said...

Pressure. Pressure... No, no I can't, it's completely gone. Oh well, I will just have to imagine what might have been and sit hunched over my computer, ready to pounce on the next competition you might run...

Shoe Envy said...

Sorry, I did also mean to say that you have some very lovely things, but I forgot in my Makka Pakka excitement. The sofa in particular is a thing of beauty.

Jaywalker said...

Katyboo - did your triops pot look like that before it fell to its tragic triops death? The tile cost about 2 quid. Highly recommended! It doesn't even have a cotton wool nest.

PM - I'll have another one soon, I promise.

Shoe envy - totally understandable. I admire your competitive spirit!

hairyfarmerfamily said...

Arrrrrgh! *Bangs fist on desk*
HHRRUMPH!
Spent ages scrutinising, located the upturned head with a cry of triumph... and THEN, and ONLY THEN noticed ALL THE OTHER COMMENTS! Beaten, by God.

Hubby thinks that Makka Pakka and Iggle Piggle do Bad Things together. Or is it Upsy Daisy?

Your house looks so much like mine, it's untrue. Occasional oasis of artistic and beautiful fabulosity among the crud... although, I reckon my crud may be cruddier than yours, but let's not compete...!

Completely Alienne said...

I don't think I possess that many beautiful things (sigh) but otherwise a lot of my house looks strangely similar to yours - overflowing bookshelves, messy desk (I can't get to it to tidy it because it is cut off by bin bags full of clothes that I don't wear and had to move out of my room to decorate) kitchen surfaces full of stuff and masses of black clothes sediment. I even have a blanket over the arm of my (not very beautiful) sofa to cover up the baked bean juice stains. Attila has grown out of writing on things, she just drips food and drink on them now. She never understood how I always knew it was her who had written on the things in question - it never occurred to her (at 4) that writing your own name was a bit of a giveaway.

Kate said...

oozing jealousy here. the cleaning lady left a few hours ago, so my house is (relatively) clean, but still... i don't have pretty stuff like that. and when i ask for pretty stuff like that, nobody will buy it for me. and i don't dare buy it for myself. i'll just go back to looking at the pile of halloween candy wrappers that have overflowed the bin in the office alcove that is overflowing with junk... or i'll look at your overflow photos. ah. that's better. everyone is just like me!

karenmc said...

You have clearly developed squalor (and I mean that in the nicest possible way) as a contrast background to your beautiful art pieces. Very nice technique, and one I am working on myself. The squalor is developed; now I just need the nice things.

nappy valley girl said...

Not a Makka Pakka joke, but yesterday was driving through Tooting and saw a firm of solicitors called 'Makka Law'....

do you think your felt friend has been inspired by you and set up in the legal business?

Fat Controller said...

You've been lurking around our kitchen with your camera...admit it. The dracula fangs were the giveaway. How did you get your shelves to look like that? I had to kick ours repeatedly to get that effect.

I LOVE that Callesen. I'll have to look out for him, though I've never seen hoim mentioned over here. Odd, really.

Jaywalker said...

Oh hairy. Maybe we could make "spot makka pakka" a regular feature? I think he's too repressed to get up to badness with that Upsy Daisy, though she's obviously no better than she ought to be...

CA - Attila is clearly not quite ready for her career as a criminal mastermind.

Kate - Oh, yes, and for additional reassurance, I had to move tonnes of crap to get half decent photos of the odd oases of niceness.

Karen - I think I love you. Yes! Totally deliberate! Ahem.

NVG - OMG. I feel oddly responsible. Photo please.

FC - Yes, I can effortlessly achieve that effect without kicking. Clever, clever me.

P said...

ROB RYAN! LOVE HIM!

I now feel inspired to post a picture of what is growing in the Dutch oven we left in the fridge before we went on vacation. We are too afraid to open it or - gasp - clean it out. Perhaps we will harvest the new lifeforms and rear them as our own.

Red Shoes said...

You have lovely style. And kiddos. And you understand that cleaning is hard and time consuming and never worth it because damn it! it just gets dirty again in like 10 minutes. Forget cleaning. Let's go back to your style. It is lovely.

Tea shelf with blue and white caddies? Heeeeaavenly.

Sofa with ginko patterned fabric? Gorgeous.

Minimalist paper art? So wonderful.

Beautiful streamlined kitchen cabinets and assorted shiny kitchen implements? I drool. Miscellaneous kitchen clutter? Darling Jaywalker, I have you beat by a mile in that area. Shall I send you photos of my kitchen counters? It would make you feel like Holly HomeMaker instantly.

Desk covered in the detritus of a busy family? Completely normal.

Bedside avalanche of books? How admirably well-read you are!

In short... you have fab taste. We knew that before you showed us your prettiest things, but I'm still glad you did. So fun to see the lovelies. Truly lovely, they are!

Jaywalker said...

Oooh P, I really want to see your new life form now. Please do!

RedShoes - you are lovely lovely lovely lovely (also, I have to admit that the kitchen was done when we got here).

Welsh Girl said...

Love, love, love the nest picture! and the tea caddies for that matter. Who needs the rest of the house to be tidy when there are things of such loveliness to look at! oooh - and the tiny bus - a work of genius.

Mr Farty said...

The wooden bird is tres elegant. Ignore the mess, it'll go away all by itself. Hopefully.

Jaywalker said...

Ooh thank you Welsh Girl. I like your attitude. Mess, pah. Look at this tiny bus.

Mr F - I am trying but it seems to veeeery persistent.

Dani said...

Makka Pakka makes me cross. But that's ok because I adore the tea caddies and little paper bus.

There is no point in kitchen cleaning. It only gets dirty again straight away.