In doubt, I decided to show you some pretty things. I never do this! This is emphatically not what Belgian Waffle is about (in case anyone has strayed here from "Beautiful simple homes to make you corrode with envy" magazine), if it's 'about' anything (yes, we should have a mission statement, and it should involve moths, vegetable carving and capybaras). But I am starting to feel like I burden you enough with ghastly pictures like this:
(FYI the triops has NO EYES because it does not exist. There are NO triops, just some floating substrate to mess with my visual perception. Did I predict this? Did I? Yes I did. I am a genius.)
about how repulsive everything in my life is. So I wanted to prove to you that some things in my life are not made out of poo and pritt stick and chewed up bills. Not many, but a few. Here they are.
1. This is my OCD shelf where I keep my tea caddies and my cup perfectly aligned according to a secret ritual known only to me. It is the place I can fix my eyes on when everything else in the kitchen looks like this:
(Prize for the first person to spot my felt lover, Makka Pakka)
My cup was a present from Violet. Basically everything nice I own was probably a present or recommendation from Violet. She is amazing. Someone should give her a job as "nice thing sourcer". She has been stalking Tord Boontje since the days when he had barely picked up a scalpel.
2. Can you see what this is? It is the world's smallest bus and two snowballs crafted from a sheet of A4 paper by an amazing man called Peter Callesen. I loooove you Peter. Can I call you Peter or would that be in contempt of the restraining order you've had to take out against me?
3. This is my chair; in order to take its picture I had to remove about a million years of black clothes sedimentation. Now they are on the bed, so god knows how I will get to bed tonight. Maybe I will just shuffle them around into a comfy nest; that might do it. It is by Squint. Squint is a lovely lady called Lisa Watmough who has a very nice dog. She is good people.
4. This is another Violet special - Violet specially stalked down Palo Samko and made him send me this bird by sending him used dollar bills in an envelope. You can see why I love her, right?
5. This is a tile. I fantasise about having lots of them, but I have one. Still, one is better than none. Lubna Chowdhary does them. She is also good people.
6. The sofa, as mentioned repeatedly. That blanket? Covering the biro marks. It's still the most classy thing in the house by miles. You have to have your arse industrially sanded before you are allowed to sit on it.
7. Rob Ryan nest picture. I love it, the CFO hates it. He bought it for me anyway, which gave him some hot tortoise sex points.
8. Tiles in our hall. I have a hall with tiles! How can this be? I cannot even answer the phone six days out of seven. I am not grown up enough to have a hall. Let alone one with tiles in, even grubby tiles.
I have no idea what I am trying to prove with this. Uh, pretty pictures? 1% of the stuff in my life doesn't look like crap? Normal service will recommence tomorrow with the usual snarky nonsense.