Monday, 17 November 2008

My body gets a formal warning

I've seen this thing on t'internet quite a bit, where you write a letter to your body and tell it how much you love and appreciate it. Screw that. I am "a mass of corruption" (favoured phrase of the Space Cadette, aged 8). So I have done my own version, which is more of a formal written warning before I send it its P45.

Dear body,

You are rubbish, you know that? I have put up with a lot from you, but at the moment you are really taking the piss. I mean, there is no illness or condition in the world that combines aching hyper sensitive breasts, headache, aching lower back, swollen knee and spots. (Yes, I can hear you all out there. There is one. Yes I KNOW that this sounds like pregnancy. This is how I found myself wasting seven euros this morning on a pregnancy test to test for a miracle/phantom/immaculate conception pregnancy, that, thank FUCK was not real. Oh, and then having to fish the test packaging out of the sanitary bin having thrown it away without checking what positive looked like was a bonus, so cheers, brain. Oh, and then I had a paranoid freakout around 3pm and worried that maybe throwing it away after 30 seconds was premature, so I had to stick my hand in that seething den of fetid horror AGAIN to double check - still not pregnant, thank Nathan!)

Brain, you are just pathetic at the moment. Where is your supposed brilliance of yesteryear? You used to be pretty good at this 'thinking' business. No more. Just today, I agreed to write up notes of the last week's dismal training day of death, only to look at my notes and discover they contain nothing more meaningful than this:

An inept sketch of some owls and other non-specific woodland creatures.

There were also a handful of words that may as well have been ghostwritten by the hand of Guy de Maupassant after a heavy evening on the absinthe and opium pipe. Apart from this, I am not merely forgetful, but almost completely absent. I could barely tell you my own name. I do not even care any more. All I want is a giant nest made of shredded copies of Grazia to curl up and hibernate in.

I also consider you, brain, responsible for my "decision" to not get up out of this chair to go and get proper food for lunch, instead making do with the cheap chocolate mountain that graces my desk. Stomach is now saying how hungry it is, whilst head is remining me that chocolate is a notorious migraine trigger. Really clever. Big clap.

Jaw/teeth - I give you plenty, and I mean plenty, to occupy yourselves with during the day. Why do you feel it incumbent upon you to grind squeakily and relentlessly all night every night, scaring the CFO and giving me an aching jaw/head/neck?

Immune system - The stuff that used to be on my head, and eyelids, and brow bone was NOT an evil bacterial invader, trying to destroy me. It was HAIR. Duh. I would like you to promise me that as compensation for your ridiculous hypervigilance, you make me NEVER get any really crap illnesses, like cancer.

Chest - seriously, screw this for a laugh. Giant aching boobs. Non-pregnancy related (though again I say, thank you god. And Nathan. And any other non-fertility deity.) Why? What can it possibly mean? I can't even bloody GOOGLE this because it would lead me to sooo much pornography. I feel unprepared for a visual assault of gigantic cyber breasts.

Knee - I really don't know what your problem is. You are just built wrong. Three MRIs, arthroscopy, anti-inflammatories, physio, two orthopedic surgeons and still you swell up like an enormous sausage, but less appetising. Only last week the bearded dwarf doctor drained you with his giant needle, but you are back up to your old, ridiculous tricks. I cannot bend you or wear skirts/dresses. Also, you hurt. I have another MRI scheduled for my birthday*, because nothing says Happy Birthday! like lying in a small metal tube trying to remain immobile while listening to the sound of terrifying metallic chuntering, as the giant magnet scans me for signs of decay for an hour. This is beyond a joke. In a few thousand years, human beings will not have knees anymore. They will have marvellous glidey silicone things instead. I am convinced of it.

Arse - it is not for nothing that yesterday the children gleefully mentioned that you are bigger than the CFO's head. Sort it out.

The rest of you (cellulite, stretch marks, scars, gnarled toes, etc)- consider yourself on notice. You had better start shaping up or I will be selling you to the highest bidder on ebay, and whatever is left of me will go and live in a jar of formaldehyde to scare future generations with my medieval levels of deformity.


Your Owner

*Even though Nablopomo has decided I am already 34 which is a little cruel. Another 10 days! Let me be 33 for a few more days, no?

Ps. If this is dull and depressing, go and watch this magnificent thing. It has made me indescribably happy. Put Monifa the baby pygmy hippo in the cake car and I would actually be in heaven.


peevish said...

I'm so glad you cleared up the pregnancy scare, because naturally that was my best guess as well. Your knee problems clearly are a curse, but big boobs? Many would LOVE to suffer from that particular affliction. I'm sorry they ache, and that still sounds like pregnancy to me. Are we absolutely certain the test was not faulty?

Waffle said...

Hey Peevish, Aaah! do I need any more paranoia?! Should I waste another 7 euros? Argh!

katyboo1 said...

Just think about what Gwyneth would say in these situations.

Perhaps some macrobiotic yogurt massaged into the temples.

Perhaps get a calm, organically reared cow to lick your eyebrows to stimulate follicle growth.

Spend four hours in your airing cupboard pretending it's a temple, snuggling up to the lagging and chanting: 'I am a goddess in my own lunchtime.'

Remember to match your underpants with your oven gloves. It might help.

Try to remain positive.

I like to do this by attaching small pictures of Gwyneth to a dart board and then firing an elephant gun at it. I find it very soothing.

Fat Controller said...

I rather liked the drawing, but where were the capybaras?

Marie said...

I get all that when I'm pre-menstrual. Maybe not the knee. Or the hairlessness, but you know what I'm talking about. Presumably you have ruled this out alongside the (non) pregnancy, but in any case I'd suggest taking some Evening primrose Oil and a good B Vitamins complex and see if that helps at all. It should certainly not make matters worse. I take an excellent Boots multivitamin called "Monthly Cycle" which dampens down all my weird hormonal stuff and does wonders for my skin, nails and hair (not much use this latter, I'll grant you), plus a slow release vitamin C and Zinc tablet. This probably looks like massive overkill but on the other hand the only cold I've had in the last two years was when I stopped taking them, so...

justme said...

I think your notes are rather attractive. Just photocopy the sheet of paper and send it out as it is. It will be just as useful as writing up the whole sorry day.
As to the symptoms....mmmmm....maybe another six euros on a different test just to be absolutely sure???

Anonymous said...

Please stop posting things that are relevant to my life, because otherwise I can't stop commenting. I'm starting to look desperate. The other commenters are talking about me behind my back, saying I'm teachers pet, always with the topical comments...

Basically I hate myself and my body today more than most days because on my way out the door, late for class, I took some medicine for my sore throat. I checked the packaging just after, and it was paracetomol and codeine. I'M ALLERGIC TO CODEINE! Last time I had codeine, at age 12, I was in A&E not breathing and my intestines were scanned!
So, after paying £6 for an emergency taxi to Ascot General(ly Shit) Hospital and shouting at the nurse when she stood around chatting with her mate and my husband shouting at reception to get a 'proper nurse', I went home suffering no more than a bad stomachache.

Still, fuck you stomach for putting me through this, fuck you brain for not telling me to check the packaging BEFORE taking the pills, and FUCK YOU husband for buying it in the first place on accident...IDIOT!

(I'm not being cruel, he really is an idiot. As I type he's asking if we can change the dog's name from Toby to either Crabtree, Smithers, Caruthers or Smythe. WTF.)

zoe said...

I've got the sore boobs and spots - but that's because of something else due next week - I think.

Presently I'm suffering from a very, very sore wrist, about which Q has taken great delight in taking the piss out of. I can't type anymore - it hurts too much.

Red Shoes said...

Awww Jaywalker, the sore boobs suck. Mine are always intensely hurtie at PMS and period times. Are you running late for your period? Are the hormones just building up to monster proportions, simply to spite you? If so, then your letter to your body seems perfectly warranted. Mine is doing the same thing (period is late, no chance of pregnancy, everything from boob to thigh hurtshurtshurts, dammit)

However, there is something I need to discuss with you. I've just taken a look at your photos over on your NaBloPoMo profile and I feel that there has been some deception taking place. According to those pictures, your boobs are not anywhere close to massive and you are like... so skinny!! The way you talk! Woman, you have the figure I would LOVE to have. What the hell? All perfectly proportioned and just the right amount of bosomy! What on earth is to complain about?? I'm confused. Seriously. WTF, Jaywalker?

Oh, and thanks for the cake car video. Yumma. Want to eat car right now.

Waffle said...

Katyboo - ah, you always make me laugh. Where is my organic cow? In the airing cupboard perhaps? I must check.

FC - you're right, a glaring omission. What IS wrong with me?

Marie - thank you so much for proper advice; I will head to Kruidvat which is the local Boots (not quite the same ring, though).

Justme - I just might. It couldn't be worse than the actual proceedings.

Oh lord Pochyemu. Are you ok? Have you been really horrible to the idiot?

Poor zoe. I thought I hadn't heard much from you recently.

RedShoes - Hmm, I'm not sure how you can deduce this alleged good figure from my upper shoulders. They are definitely my best feature. It's downhill from there, well, downwards. Mmmm. I could also just eat a cake Skoda right now. It could only help, right?

Anonymous said...

Jaywalker - Well I was still being nice to him despite missing classes and being laid up in bed all day with stomach cramps. But then. We were tonight talking about the Thanksgiving dinner we're holding for 16 people on Saturday (which we've been planning for a month) and now he tells me he has to work until 13:30 that day. And people are coming round at 15:00. And all the tables and stuff are at his work and have to be hauled over and set up. And stuff.

I'm going to wait till Sunday to serve the divorce papers.

Red Shoes said...

omg, pochyemu... the Thanksgiving thing! Horrific.

jaywalker, torso tells me everything I need to know. you've got an excellent figure. end of story. congratulations. skoda cake for all!

btw, katyboo should be writing a new and improved version of Goop, clearly. so fantastic!

Z said...

Oh Nathan, I remember a time about 23 years ago when I became convinced I was pregnant again (I was breastfeeding and I never menstruated when I was breastfeeding even a little bit but I just got paranoid) and I bought about 5 pregnancy tests, over and over again, which were bloody expensive then. You're not pregnant, just a bit paranoid.

And your body does sound a bit rubbish. I'm feeling quite good about mine now. But you've still got the upper hand, because you're young and lovely and you don't have wrinkles.

Anonymous said...

I don't get n with my body either -its getting old and wrinkly, it aches too much and it just made me eat three bars of chocolate and now I feel sick. On second thoughts, that might have been the fault of my mind - I haven't been on speaking terms with that recently either. Perhaps your ailments are psychosomatic because you have an imminent (and disgusting youthful) birthday coming up?

I hope you got down the ingredients list for the skoda cake - I am looking forward to seeing your version in the near future - it would probably convert to a giant tortoise or baby pygmyt hippo quite easily. It would be much more worthwhile than doing meeting notes. After all, we know no one EVER reads the damn things.

Waffle said...

Oh Pochyemu. Take all his pants and replace them with chicory! It's the only way.

RedShoes - I totally agree - Katyboo, talk to Gwinnie's people. There's a job for you, I'm sure of it.

Z - I AM paranoid, in a 'twice bitten three times shy' kind of way, but that is a story for another, health warning labelled post (suffice to say, wot you said).... My body IS rubbish. Want to swap?

CA - a gigantic sponge tortoise! Oh no, now you have got me thinking along such demented lines I will never sleep again.

Anonymous said...

Redshoes - Thank you for your sympathy. I will tell him that everyone online thinks he's an asshole, too.

Jaywalker, can I please use your blog to place an ad?:

Slightly used husband for donation! Totally unreliable and obsessed with martial arts, but very attractive. No offers will be rejected.

Waffle said...

Hmm. "Very attractive" eh? I think you need to substantiate with PHOTOS. He's also a chef, no? That would be useful.

Anonymous said...

He's beautiful, that's the ONLY REASON I keep him around. That's the only reason ANYONE puts up with him.

Mom/Mum said...

You mean am not the only one who has chocolate for lunch?
Thank Gawd for that!
Brilliant post.
Am not sure my body even deserves a warning letter. Think it might just get handed the P45 and escorted to the exit...
Now, where's that chocolate...?

Z said...

Um, my knees are okay, but I've got a dodgy hip, which sounds a fair trade - okay, you're on. I'll throw in my hair, which is pretty damn good (all my own colour), because you deserve it. I think I'd rather we kept our own brains though, if you don't mind.

P said...

I am feeling very sad that my boobs are too small to remind me of their existence by getting sore. Everything else on my body is big because I have been nourishing my inner aspect too much of late.

By the way, I read your birthday post to my boyfriend and we both cackled our asses off. You are a wonder.

Anonymous said...

put me in the "big, aching boobs will never be my problem" category -- though no longer concave (at 13 i was not at all happy with them), even pregnancy did nothing to increase their voluptu-ity.

knees are okay, eyebrows in place, but what the hell is going on with my upper arms? and the three gray hairs that sprout at the exact center of my forehead? and the fact my optometrist told me i will soon require bifocals?

A Confused Take That Fan said...

I'm with you Jaywalker. I'd given up on mine last week. Was diagnosed by Tarte Tartan with Lymph node cancer, due to sore neck, dizzy spells, extreme mood swings, lots of cake intake. It turns out, it was just a sore neck from sitting on the computer in a draft, dizzy spells due to skippin breakfast, extreme mood swings and cake intake due to PMT. This week, I do feel more normal and able to function without growling.
Hope your body improves. I turn 34 in eleven days. Maybe it is our bodies protesting?

Anonymous said...

Anyone else's body sabotage their attempt to have less body?
About 2 months ago I started jogging daily (just 30 minutes, inplace, during naptimes) and wouldn't you know it I wound up with a stress fracture in my tibia. So now I'm in a 'walking boot' that leaves my toes hanging out in the SNOW, I cannot move fast at all, and I'm so frustrated I've turned to my dear dear friends Dark Chocolate and Red Wine for comfort. Naturally, the restriction on my mobility combined with the change in diet has pushed me up to the weight I was trying so hard to avoid.
I go back to the doctor Friday for another X-ray and possible release from the boot.
But tomorrow I go to the dentist for the first time in a decade. (3 year old goes first time period. What a good mother I am, right?!)

Teena Vallerine said...

sore boobs - you know those tests are not 100% reliable - hmmmm...
Can you just scrub the top of the body letter and address it to me please - it all needs to be said and I could add a rather concerning arthritickyness in my sewing fingers too. Poop. My knee doesn't swell up but that just means I don't get any sympathy when it fails to stand up on demand! Good plan with the letter - I never get this 'love your body stuff - are they the same people who say 'losing weight won't change your life' I mean what utter crap that is - spoken by skinny whippets no doubt!
Down to earth home-truths as ever - that's why I'm visiting!

Teena Vallerine said...

PS- I think the drawing is bloody marvellous - copy for me please! I think you should issue it as an anarchic statement on the quality of the training for which your employers are paying! t.x

peevish said...

How could I have forgotten to tell you how much I love your drawing? I think I was racing to be first in comments. Anyhoo, your owls are spectacular. And I'm terribly sorry to have caused a surge in your paranoia. I'm certain all is well in uterusland. Carry on.

Ali said...

Have to de-lurk on this one to say thankyou for that. I have a similarly uncooperative and dysfunctional body. I do think you should repeat the 7 euro adventure in a couple of days if you still feel this way though. Sorry!

Waffle said...

Mom/Mum - does it give you The Shame (the chocolate lunch)? The Shame is even worse than the physical symptoms...

Z - I accept. Sounds like a good deal for me.

P - Ah, Gwyneth never mentions that particular side effect does she? Damn her and her calm macrobiotic cows. You are lovely. I'd share if I could, you know that.

Lisa - Again, I wish I could share with you. There should be some kind of boob exchange. Must work on that.

CTTF - wow, so we're practically twins! We should celebrate in some way not involving humming metal tubes of death. Want to do a tiny present exchange?

Ptooie - Lashes first went to dentist aged (cough cough) six. You're doing good. Yay! I think for me it's the reverse - I'm using the knee as cast iron excuse to not exercise.

KP - Hmm, good idea. Don't tempt me, I am hanging on to this job by the teeniest of threads right now!

Peevish - oh, you are too lovely. And slightly deranged perhaps. Yes. All must be ok in uterus land. I insist.

Ali - but, but you have FOUR children and one of them is teeny! Your body is doing amazing under such strain (though that bacterial gunk 2008 thing sounds really nasty)! i would already be in that jar of formaldehyde under such circumstances.

River said...

"An inept sketch"? Holy Doodles, Batman, if I could sketch half as well, I would consider myself talented.

Anonymous said...

I read all the sore boobs/spots/back pain symptoms and was like "Yes, it'syour period being an arse... no wait, pregnancy?" So now I'll be paranoid once a month. Arse.

To cheer you up, this might not be Monifa, but you could breed her with othersand train them up,perhaps.

Leslie said...

sweet jesus, your 8-year-old uses the phrase "mass of corruption" - he must read a lot of books.

hope your knockers quit achin'

Waffle said...

Dawn - the hippos! Dancing in a circle! Yes, I feel much better for that.

Leslie - nah, that was my sister. We lived in a weeeeiiird household. Mine have no interest in anything but killing each other. Thank you for your kind boob wishes.

expateek said...

I love the elegant fox. You have a way with a pencil, m'lady.

Léonie said...

Poor you, it doesn't sound fun. I have hurt right now in uterus land (what a messy land that would be), but have just taken too many strong painkillers so I am waiting for the pain to stop and the hallucinations to kick in. Then I am going to write some poetry and stare lovingly at household objects.

pochyemu your husband sounds delightful. I will swap you a lifesize toy pony I saw in a shop the other day.

Jaywalker you are not pregnant, you are just cursed for taking Nathan's name in vain. Don't worry, say fourteen Hail Dollys and all will be righted.

Waffle said...

Expateek - why thank you madame. But perhaps I was trying to do a capybara?

Léonie - uterusland, the theme park with a difference! Yes. Indeed. Starting my hail dollys now.

Anonymous said...

Leonie - DONE!

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