But but but. I woke up yesterday morning with a knee the size of a medium sized elephant and Gwyneth's exhortation that 'the medicine of the future is NO MEDICINE' did not really cut it faced with inability to negotiate stairs, a bit like a cross lumpy Dalek. So, this is my month of living Goopily, but with NSAIDs and cortisone. And dairy and sugar. Oh fuck it. I am not living goopily at all, even if it would give me smaller tits, but I did make Goopcakes.
Goopcakes. Vegan pancakes. Mmmm. Apparently Hemp, no sorry, Moses is it?, loves them. I told the CFO I was making vegan pancakes and his eyes narrowed to the dimension of lentils, while his lips disappeared. It would appear I am on my own in this endeavour.
First, says Gwyneth (I paraphrase, obviously, she has even more adjectives than I do) get buckwheat, rice flour, vegetable oil, maple syrup (!!! shocking refined tree wee), half treaspoon of salt (!!!! satan's dandruff! Gwyneth, stop messing with my easy satirical targets!), lemon juice, bananas and baking soda. We did not have baking soda so I sent the CFO next door to the corner shop. He came back and told me that M. Cambier from the shop told him that apparently baking soda is a Belgian invention. Who knew?! Tragically I have just checked this and it's sort of half true. Anyway, he brought some back, but I decided not to bother with the bananas. Why give everyone an additional reason to hate them by adding fruit.
Here goes! Let the gooping commence!
Stick all the stuff in a bowl:
Marvel at all the interestingly lumpy gloopy bits. Those would be the vitamins, right? Yum. The CFO looked over my shoulder
"Those are vitamins. Say hello to them. They come in those green things you despise."
Next, forget the lemon juice and find your "non stick skillet". Gwyneth likes Jamie Oliver's because it means she can dispense with the need for oil or fat. I don't have a non stick skillet. I have a poêle à crêpes. And this:
Delicious cow juice with giant flakes of artery furring salt. Uh, this is going all ungoopy.
Put your goop in the buttery crêpe pan. Forget about it while it burns way too quickly.
"AAAAAH!" say the children "Burning! Fire! Arrète maman!" They have witnessed my cooking before.
Take them out. Examine.
Attempt to interest family in vegan treats.
"Fingers?" Would you like a crêpe?"
"What kind of crêpe. Mamie's crêpe? Or that ... thing?"
"The thing. Uh, little crêpe. But it's a lovely small crêpe! You could have golden syrup with it!"
"How about you Lashes?"
"Brave boy! If it's horrible can you try and tell me how it's horrid? I'll put loads of golden syrup shall I?"
Lashes eyes the pancake sceptically and bites a tiny corner. "Salty".
I try it myself. It is salty. That would be the salted butter perhaps. Not horrid though. Damn! This post is going nowhere! Here, look at a photo of some blackened crêpes on a delightful puffer fish plate.
"CFO, I can't tempt you?"
Thankfully, after this disappointingly sensible recipe, Gwyneth got right back on form with some fantastic holistic medical advice. Apply it to your life! Feel the difference! Yes, here we go with the anti-hippy snarking.
Christina Renna of Lifespan Medicine says this:
-Sleep 8 hours or more a night (yeah, that totally works for elephant kneed tooth grinding parents of small boys with triops to worry about)
- Try eliminating "white foods". What? All the good foods? "Sugar, white flour and milk". You told Gywneth this, right, Christina? Because, uh, the crêpes, not so much. Also, no. I tried to give up sugar once. It lasted about 30 hours, then I started psychotically emptying packets of sugar directly into my mouth in cafes. I still do.
- Police your thoughts for negativity (and presumably for shortbread fantasies, the location fo your children's trick or treat stash, the number of Allo Pizza)
Next up, Alejandro Junger! What gives, Alejandro, make me and my elephant knee well.
- "the toxicity of our planet is undeniable" says Alejandro. Man, you are killing my pancake buzz. Cheer up already!
- "If your last meal is at 10, don't eat til 10". Ha. Not likely dude. My pain au raisin is singing its siren song by 8:30 at the latest. And I haven't actually got around to dinner yet, what with all this Goop posting.
- Don't go to supermarkets: "all of these chemicals cause havoc inside our bodies, being the most intimate source of toxins for us since we throw this mixture into our bellies". I know, isn't it GREAT?
- My great favourite, as quoted above "The future of medicine is no medicine. If we return to a more natural life, our bodies become the best doctors". Ok, got it. More linseeds, no drugs. Right? Does this work for broken limbs, severed fingers, burned sleeves, elephant knees etc? Do you have a poultice you can recommend where the tiny bearded hobbit used his giant hypodermic to drain litres of fluid off my knee today as I wept with gratitude? Maybe you could have stroked it well with a kale leaf, hmm?
Last, but emphatically not least, uber guru to the stars, Doctor Joshi! Yay, he's back! Plugging his "first bestselling book, Joshi's Holistic Detox".
- Another one trying to get me to sleep for 8 hours. Dr J, my mother would have killed for me to sleep 4 hours at a stretch. 6 seems reasonable, no?
- Keep away from the devilish white food again. Blah, we get the message. Where are the frouffy Joshi metaphors? I am disappointed Joshi, really I am. Not even an Ayurvedic tincture to offer me. Pff. Gwyneth - sort the guru out. Next time if he doesn't get me imagining I am a spider monkey or a beautiful feather, I am off.
Anyone else following the goopathon?