Tuesday, 4 November 2008

More goop!

Gwyneth Paltrow's generosity and concern for my life shows no bounds, really. Just in time for NaBloPoMo I have received TWO Goop mails (for newer readers, Goop is Gywneth's new self-improvement project and a total irony free zone, sign up, I beg you, for the newsletters). Two! Gywenth has lots to tell us today. I thought I might take this as a cue to turn NaBloPoMo into "The month of living Goopily". You know, like that woman who did the same thing with Oprah. It worked for her! Or maybe it didn't, I haven't read the book. Anyone?

But but but. I woke up yesterday morning with a knee the size of a medium sized elephant and Gwyneth's exhortation that 'the medicine of the future is NO MEDICINE' did not really cut it faced with inability to negotiate stairs, a bit like a cross lumpy Dalek. So, this is my month of living Goopily, but with NSAIDs and cortisone. And dairy and sugar. Oh fuck it. I am not living goopily at all, even if it would give me smaller tits, but I did make Goopcakes.

Goopcakes. Vegan pancakes. Mmmm. Apparently Hemp, no sorry, Moses is it?, loves them. I told the CFO I was making vegan pancakes and his eyes narrowed to the dimension of lentils, while his lips disappeared. It would appear I am on my own in this endeavour.

First, says Gwyneth (I paraphrase, obviously, she has even more adjectives than I do) get buckwheat, rice flour, vegetable oil, maple syrup (!!! shocking refined tree wee), half treaspoon of salt (!!!! satan's dandruff! Gwyneth, stop messing with my easy satirical targets!), lemon juice, bananas and baking soda. We did not have baking soda so I sent the CFO next door to the corner shop. He came back and told me that M. Cambier from the shop told him that apparently baking soda is a Belgian invention. Who knew?! Tragically I have just checked this and it's sort of half true. Anyway, he brought some back, but I decided not to bother with the bananas. Why give everyone an additional reason to hate them by adding fruit.

Here goes! Let the gooping commence!

Stick all the stuff in a bowl:

Marvel at all the interestingly lumpy gloopy bits. Those would be the vitamins, right? Yum. The CFO looked over my shoulder

"Ark. Pwouac."

"Those are vitamins. Say hello to them. They come in those green things you despise."

Next, forget the lemon juice and find your "non stick skillet". Gwyneth likes Jamie Oliver's because it means she can dispense with the need for oil or fat. I don't have a non stick skillet. I have a poêle à crêpes. And this:

Delicious cow juice with giant flakes of artery furring salt. Uh, this is going all ungoopy.

Put your goop in the buttery crêpe pan. Forget about it while it burns way too quickly.

"AAAAAH!" say the children "Burning! Fire! Arrète maman!" They have witnessed my cooking before.

Take them out. Examine.

Attempt to interest family in vegan treats.

"Fingers?" Would you like a crêpe?"

"What kind of crêpe. Mamie's crêpe? Or that ... thing?"

"The thing. Uh, little crêpe. But it's a lovely small crêpe! You could have golden syrup with it!"


"How about you Lashes?"


"Brave boy! If it's horrible can you try and tell me how it's horrid? I'll put loads of golden syrup shall I?"

Lashes eyes the pancake sceptically and bites a tiny corner. "Salty".

I try it myself. It is salty. That would be the salted butter perhaps. Not horrid though. Damn! This post is going nowhere! Here, look at a photo of some blackened crêpes on a delightful puffer fish plate.

"CFO, I can't tempt you?"

"Pff. Non"

Thankfully, after this disappointingly sensible recipe, Gwyneth got right back on form with some fantastic holistic medical advice. Apply it to your life! Feel the difference! Yes, here we go with the anti-hippy snarking.
Christina Renna of Lifespan Medicine says this:

-Sleep 8 hours or more a night (yeah, that totally works for elephant kneed tooth grinding parents of small boys with triops to worry about)
- Try eliminating "white foods". What? All the good foods? "Sugar, white flour and milk". You told Gywneth this, right, Christina? Because, uh, the crêpes, not so much. Also, no. I tried to give up sugar once. It lasted about 30 hours, then I started psychotically emptying packets of sugar directly into my mouth in cafes. I still do.
- Police your thoughts for negativity (and presumably for shortbread fantasies, the location fo your children's trick or treat stash, the number of Allo Pizza)

Next up, Alejandro Junger! What gives, Alejandro, make me and my elephant knee well.

- "the toxicity of our planet is undeniable" says Alejandro. Man, you are killing my pancake buzz. Cheer up already!
- "If your last meal is at 10, don't eat til 10". Ha. Not likely dude. My pain au raisin is singing its siren song by 8:30 at the latest. And I haven't actually got around to dinner yet, what with all this Goop posting.
- Don't go to supermarkets: "all of these chemicals cause havoc inside our bodies, being the most intimate source of toxins for us since we throw this mixture into our bellies". I know, isn't it GREAT?
- My great favourite, as quoted above "The future of medicine is no medicine. If we return to a more natural life, our bodies become the best doctors". Ok, got it. More linseeds, no drugs. Right? Does this work for broken limbs, severed fingers, burned sleeves, elephant knees etc? Do you have a poultice you can recommend where the tiny bearded hobbit used his giant hypodermic to drain litres of fluid off my knee today as I wept with gratitude? Maybe you could have stroked it well with a kale leaf, hmm?

Last, but emphatically not least, uber guru to the stars, Doctor Joshi! Yay, he's back! Plugging his "first bestselling book, Joshi's Holistic Detox".
- Another one trying to get me to sleep for 8 hours. Dr J, my mother would have killed for me to sleep 4 hours at a stretch. 6 seems reasonable, no?
- Keep away from the devilish white food again. Blah, we get the message. Where are the frouffy Joshi metaphors? I am disappointed Joshi, really I am. Not even an Ayurvedic tincture to offer me. Pff. Gwyneth - sort the guru out. Next time if he doesn't get me imagining I am a spider monkey or a beautiful feather, I am off.

Anyone else following the goopathon?


expateek said...


I'm afraid I haven't been doing my Pilates diligently enough, because unfortunately my flippin' pelvic floor has just collapsed and I must now go change my clothes. Sorry to be so crude, but you are a DANGER TO SOCIETY. And to all people who must remain... qu'est ce que c'est le mot...?..."continent?"

Love how the CFO says "Pfouac". I was only a little startled when you said his lips "disappeared", because last I checked, tortoises do not have lips.

But maybe, I'll grant you, maybe, the CFO does have lips.

Could be damn sexy, tortoise lips.

Maybe that's why he's gotten so far.

Flippin' lips.

Kitschen Pink said...

I thought that Paltrow woman was trying to be an actress? What's with the food stuffs.
Aren't bananas white once you've peeled them? Lucky you left those out - trust your instinct - that's what I say - chocolate ain't white!
8 hours sleep? I'd give anything for 5!

La Belette Rouge said...

I saw Alexander Junger at a medical conference and grown professional women were swooning over him like he was a rock star.I had to hold back a co-worker from throwing herself at him. To this day she hears the word juicing and she grows weak at the knees.

Mr Farty said...

This post has made me hungry for white chocolate. Mmmm chocolate...

How? How can you have pancakes without eggs? Is that woman insane? No, don't bother to answer that.

perymich - you have the best word verification!

peevish said...

Oh, I hope your knee is all better soon, goop or no goop.

As far as the "no white stuff" rule, that's just racist. I'd stick with chocolate milk, brown sugar, and whatever you can substitute for white flour. Cocaine? Bee pollen?

peevish said...

Forgot to ask: Has your knee been injured by the horrible shoes? You know the ones of which I speak.

Jaywalker said...

Hello all

Just an update. By ten o clock last night those pnacakes tasted SO SO BAD. Vile. And I'll eat anything with sufficient fat in.

Expateek - we never really look at each other anymore, he goes to bed at half nine disapprovingly to hibernate, but next time I see him in daylight I will check for lips... You are obsessed with my CFO. I am going to tell him he has an admirer.

KP - Who knows. She won't rest until she has made all of us as miserable as her husband I fear. Be afraid.

Belette - I also feel weak at the mention of juice fasts, but not in that way. Is he commanding and handsome? I am going to google image him now.

MR F - I know! No eggs, just Belgian baking soda. It's sooo wrong. Also, I read somewhere that WV has been revamped to be funnier/more like real words, so I can't claim any credit really...

Peevish - cocaine might be white, no? How about ground up chocolate? Unrefined opium? The knee, I think, is the result of holiday carrying large indolent child and wearing unsuitable shoes (no, not those ones - very very flat suede ballet pumps, which were wrong in absolutely every way)

karenmc said...

A Goop email made its way here to Australia a while back, but I paid her no attention and she went away. The husband & short people of the household will be VERY pleased to hear they have been spared Goopcakes. Although I will suggest to the diabetic husband that he stops medicating right away.

I've been lurking around your blog for a few months, and I thought it was time for introductions. Here - I brought a present - you hereby are awarded the Uber Amazing Blog award - complete with large pink bow. You can pick it up anytime you like from my backyard.

Potty Mummy said...

Any site that tells you not to eat for 10 hours (TEN HOURS?) whatever the circumstances must be consigned to the lower levels of Dante's Inferno immediately.

Stop this nonsense Jaywalker. It will drive you insane. Or at least, vegetarian...

katyboo1 said...

In my own polarity responder way it has made me want to write a small pamphlet about only eating white foods ever for a long and happy life, flour, lard and blancmange for breakfast, mashed potato with milk gravy and white pudding for lunch and soup made from emulsion paint for tea. Or you could just eat white chocolate all day long. Visit my website, it's called whoop...

Gwynnie is a mentalist btw. Just had to say that

Jaywalker said...

Hi Karen and thank you for award! You are lovely. How 'wild' exactly is your backyard? Should I bring weapons to collect it? Protective clothing?

PM - I promise my interest is purely satirical. There is no risk of vegetarianism, fasting, or abandoning medication. Mm, delicious chemicals. Mmmm.

Katy - Emulsion paint soup might be nicer than the chicory soup I had last night, which totally shook my allegiance to our national vegetable. Vile, I tell you.

karenmc said...

It's quite wild. There are bees and praying mantises. And possibly a lost tribe of pygmies. Bring the rest of the Goopcakes as weapons.

the ironed curtain said...

Okay, I'm in. I signed up for the newsletter. I have been teetering on the edge of crunchy granola for some time now...I guess I might as well take the plunge.

justme said...

Nooooooooo! I really CAN'T bring myself to sign up! Will just have to trust you to report on the real gems......
( And I AM a vegetarian, but would not dream of losing the lovely white foods from my life....)

Completely Alienne said...

I am with justme here - I just cannot bring myself to sign up. Gwynnie makes me feel nauseous, she is just such a sanctimonious prig. Anyway, I am already forced to listen to the propaganda of the two vegetarians I have to live with, I don't need anymore.

The gloop pancakes sound awful; I hope you provide your offspring with something totally degenerate to make up for them.

Jaywalker said...

JustMe/CA - I completely understand, it is santimonious twaddle, but so much fun for satirical purposes.

Hooray Ironed Curtain! Maybe she will coax you back from the brink of terminal hippiedom?!

zoe said...

Jaywalker, you really are almost as insane as me.

I must invite you and your brood (if you want the sprogs around) for supper. The blokes can speak stuff.

We can talk dirty.

Jaywalker said...

Zoe - if you promise not to cook, I promise not to. Deal?

BarbaraCA said...

I desperately covet your blowfish plate (And by that I do not mean, "Is that a blowfish on your platter or are you just happy to see me?"). Any hints about where one might find one of similar fabulousness?

Jaywalker said...

BarbaraCA - It's called "Thomas Paul melamine puffer fish dessert plate", so shouldn't be too hard to locate. I got it from these nice people, but there must be lots of US stockists...
It deserves better than goopcakes. Go on, make it some nice food.

BarbaraCA said...
This comment has been removed by the author.
BarbaraCA said...

I think serving goop on a pufferfish plate may be a hanging offense. The only thing to do is scrub it clean with a fine paste made of equal parts sixty year old scotch and extremely fresh cocaine.

Jaywalker said...

I am chastened Barbara. I hope you will be reassured to hear that I binned the goopcakes (retching gently) this morning and gave puffer my heartfelt apologies and some halloween novelties to carry. It's not the Scotch/cocaine paste he deserves, but I hope it goes some way to telling him how sorry I am.