Thursday, 13 November 2008

Les cakes du Mal

I feel like I have spent much of today wading through the sticky mess of my own incompetence, disorganisation, inability to say no and laziness. It's been an absolute treat, as you can imagine. I need some kind of figurative damp cloth to come and wipe me up.

High points:

Tippexing an eye back on a Kinder Egg toy (the guilt! he's so milking it)

Getting my heel stuck in the jaws of the escalator and having to take both shoes off to escape to the bemusement of passing commuters while delivering a box of papers, because this is what us lawyers with 10 years experience are best employed doing. Shortly after getting my heel stuck in the jaws of the satanic pavement, which pulled my shoe off and kept it as I gurned and flapped in front of the horribly cool kids at the film school next to work.

Spending the whole working day hoiking my new top (no, not the 3.1 Philip Lim blouse I'm taking my penance, its cheaper substitute) which I clearly failed to realise when I tried it on was going to spend its entire life trying to display my greying bra and sagging über-bosom to my colleagues.

Making motherfucking fairy cakes (yes, that is their official name, that is what Nigella calls them, on p53 of 'How to be a Domestic Fucking Goddess') for the school which is currently making Lashes cry in the night about his MARKS (er, hello? aged six?) when there is NO food in the house and the children are eating fossilised bagels from the deepest strata of the freezer for their dinner in front of the tv. Fuck it. The CFO suggested I make subtly obscene ones. I don't do subtle.

Listening to the bleating, pathetic sound of my own voice complaining ineffectually at the children like the mean hag I am until I actually feel inclined to shove my own head down the toilet just to stop the noise.

Spending the early part of the evening ordering food on line as the children stuck pipe cleaners up my nose and wailed endless spooling grievances into my ears BECAUSE I couldn't do it last night just in case my credit card was refused causing the CFO to ask Difficult Questions.

Bought more craft supplies (the guilt! etc) in order to spend the rest of the evening picking elastic bands and pom poms out of my cleavage.

Hmm, think the boys. What this room needs is MORE GLITTER. And, oooh, I know, how about one of us shaves the outside of a twig with a new shiny vegetable peeler from the kitchen, while the other one drops a large box of sequins into the tortoise house! Yeah, yeah, and THEN we could get fluorescent orange play-doh on our shoes and tread it into the rug! Yeah!

So, hooray. I am a moron. And now the computer keys are covered in icing, my new top is grease stained and my head smells like playdoh.

Dull eh? Hey, it's NaBloPoMoFo. I can't have good ideas every day.


Potty Mummy said...

Ah yes, but did it involve wiping dog poo off a two-year old's hand, like my day did yesterday? No? Then you are onto a winner.

Potty Mummy said...
This comment has been removed by the author.
Red Shoes said...

Your "Fuck This" mean faced fairy cake (really? fairy cake?!) sums up my mood succinctly.

I don't have any of your very good reasons to note. I just have PMS and I feel like smashing the world because of it. SMASH! SMASH!!

Red Shoes said...

I clearly failed to realise when I tried it on was going to spend its entire life trying to display my greying bra and sagging über-bosom to my colleagues.

Fuck that shirt.

Anonymous said...

I have had a fuck this day too. It is grey and raining; I had to reboot my PC twice because it went funny and starting printing everything in a narrow column - all the letters in each line on top of each other; people kept asking me questions I didn't know the answer too; I ate too much chocolate; I have a headache that won't go and I am just fed up and want to hibernate. Sorry to dump on your blog, but I do like your fairy cakes though.

However, one glorious achievement in a bad day - I finally got a picture of that tiny pig on to my blog. I have no idea how to get it on yours. You will either have to cliock on the link to my blog and find today's post or paste this thingy into your whatsit(I can't remember the words, it's too late for my brain to cope)

It is not a very good picture, but you can still see the little cutie is irresistable.

justme said...

Oh POOR Jaywalker! You have clearly overdosed on craft work and need to spend some proper grown up time drinking gin or the like. And you should have got the top you wanted. Clearly going for the cheaper option was a false economy!

Marie said...

Fuck this. I've had a fucking awful day too and now I want a motherfucking fairy cake.

Mr Farty said...

In my head, you sound like Eddie Izzard. It is great.

Red Shoes said...

Oh Jaywalker, you're going to feel sooo much better once you read the newest Goop.

Pearl said...

NaBloPoMoFo. Oh, how I wish I'd thought of that...

La Belette Rouge said...

Oh sweets, you need a hug, a drink and a fucking fairy cake or two. Sorry you had a bad day. Don't worry, you'll get another day tomorrow and you'll show this day whose boss.

nappy valley girl said...

I think you should write the 'anti Nigella' cookbook. With illustrations as posted....

I had a fucking awful day too yesterday. Sick child, work turmoil, and now have to spend the weekend at a funeral full of ghastly relatives-in-law. Bring it on.

Waffle said...

PM - have yourself a motherfucking bar of chocolate. You win.

Red shoes - yes, fairy cakes. Can I join you? SMASH SMASH SMAAASH. Fuck the blouse.

Also yes - Goop - Gwyneth, fuck off with your fucking little black fucking dresses.

CA - Ah, the pig is a major redeeming factor.

Justme - I am putting 'Gin' in my diary for six tonight, served with a pipecleaner cocktail stick, when I will also eat the fuck this fairy cake.

Marie - come the fuck over to Belgium and I'll make you a motherfucking batch.

Mr F- I approve.

Pearl - yay! It just came out fully formed.

Belette - It wasn't that bad once i had the icing tube of POWER in my hand. Kisses.

NVG - Yeah, bring it on. Publishers? Are you listening? Have yourself a fucking fairy cake. And a pint of gin. Better now.

livesbythewoods said...

Come and stay at my house. We will drink champagne and eat Twiglets and watch amusing tv together.

There are no:
a) Children
b) Tortoises
c) Craft supplies (well, not many)

We can make cakes if you want to. Or not.

Teena Vallerine said...

Love the cute bun with the bottle and rings, much nicer than the rude one...
Hey YOU! Working mum! Stop beating yourself up - and learn to say no! Maybe do a bun that says "stop making my boy cry and give him some confidence in his many great achievements and you MIGHT get more buns, until then... I know where you live!"
Or how about "hey you, lazy cow stay at home mum's, you're the ones who are supposed to be doing this stuff!"
Actually I think you could adapt the rude one instead - 'fuck you' would seem to sum it up. t.xx

Anonymous said...

I'm sure there are many lovely sides to having children, but the forced involvement in school activities, etc. makes me happy to stay on long term birth control.

I can barely be arsed to participate in my own school/social life, let alone that of a dependant.

I'm going to be such a horrible fucking mother. My kids ALREADY hate me.

Stipey Sullivan said...

how nice. I mean...

I'm outraged! I think it's disgusting! Sweary words on confectionary!!! The world is coming to an end. The God of cakes will punish you for this. Grrrrrrr.

Do you have the recipe? Ta.

curlywurlyfi said...

oh how I wish there was a Fuck This cake for sale, because I would soooo buy it. And leave it ostentatiously displayed on my desk.

In other news, remember the MBTs? And their useless, useless sidekicks, the FitFlop? Fitflops now come in a boot variety, for the winter. I'm just saying.

Anonymous said...
This comment has been removed by a blog administrator.
Waffle said...

Ah, KP, I thought of you when I posted these sad excuses for cakes.

LBTW - what a lovely idea, sadly I am allergic to the countryside. I have to live in a hermetically sealed plastic bubble filled with shops, buses and starbucks when I have the misfortune to stray there.

Pochyemu - ooh, now I can hear them screaming from your ovaries 'we are NOT asking to be born!'

Doughboy (nice name) - the god of cakes? Now there's a deity I can respect.

curlywurly - yes! ridiculous furry ones! how I laughed. also I think we should call them sideflops rather than sidekicks. Kicking is way beyond them.

Anonymous said...

One of these days I will remember to read before posting - (second go)

Glad you liked the pig. It might be Friday but Things Have Not Improved. I will be forced to watch Children in Need on the box tonight and I have to stay sober so I can collect one of the brats from somewhere obscure.

So, I am going to make some Fuck This fairy cakes when I get home to cheer me up - I even have a chocolate pen for the writing.

expateek said...

A comment is just begging to be left, because the verification word is "tsion".

TSION? I'll show you flippin' TSION, man. I'm so TSe I could scream!

Actually I am fine-ish today but having grocery store food issues trying to find ingredients (poppy seeds? ginger?) cuz I don't know their names in Polish. It made the horror of food shopping last four times longer this morning. Thank God I don't have to do anything important today. Except put on Nigella-type dinner for clients at my home this evening. Do you think if I wear a push-up bra they won't notice that I've burned the ... whatever????

Thank God at least I can lock the door to the office. Penance of yesterday completed, only 8,000+ more half hours of penance to be observed. Gah.

If you want tension release, come take my Friday pop quiz. Brussels and turtles are featured. xx

peevish said...

Here is what you should do:

Get on a plane immediately so you can take turns sitting on our laps at the all-girl party tomorrow. I promise we will soothe you with all manner of cocktails plus The Women (the original=good version) projected onto a screen so we can worship a life-sized Rosalind Russell.

Bring the fucking fairy cakes.

Waffle said...

Damn, Peevish, this is undoubtedly the best offer for this weekend EVER.

CA - "children in need sober" - yeah, that has to be one of the worst propositions, ever. Can't they get a taxi so you can drink, at least?

Expateek - your Friday ink blot test is, frankly, terrifying. Yeesh.

Anonymous said...

NaNoBlahDon'tKnow is really working out for your adoring public. Lovely Jaywalker, every day! At any point, did you consider forgetting about the cakes, and instead turning up at the school with only the tube of icing, and lining up the children to give them each a shot of icing in the mouth and a gentle kick in the pants? No? Then you are a better woman than I.

Waffle said...

Vanessa, if you had been here to whisper that frankly inspired idea in my ear, I would most certainly have done exactly that. Come, move to Belgium.

katyboo1 said...

1. I too have had a fucking awful day culminating in finding out I have ulcerated tonsilitis. Which is nice.

2. Would you like me to write a rude letter to your school. My French is rusty but you must be able to translate.

3. I used to know a girl who made rude cakes like that. She called them Sweary Cakes, the evil twin of Fairy cakes. V satisfying to munch them as if you're biting the heads off babies.

La Belette Rouge said...

Come on over. I have given you an award.

Waffle said...

Sweary cakes! Wonderful. Who is this person, because I must worship her. Poor you Katy, even the words 'ulcerated tonsilitis' make me ache.

Red Shoes said...

What happened to your poor shoe after the trauma, anyway? Was it rescued or destroyed?

Anonymous said...

"unizersa" was my verification word, I'll take that as a lucky sign.

Does the second fucking fairy cake strike anyone else as a bit phallic? No? Just me then? Maybe I need a date...

Waffle said...

Reen - YES OF COURSE. Thank god you noticed. It was supposed to be, I was starting to doubt my own phallic fucking fairy cakes.

Good WV!

Waffle said...

Red Shoes - the shoe survived but with some damage. Curses!

H said...

So far this weekend I have been sitting on the tube for 25 fucking stops, drinking too much beer, fighting with my boyfriend, crying in the toilets throughout a gig that cost £20 and storming home on my own. then today I got a bad haircut.
This post is possibly the only thing that has made me feel a bit better.
Fuck fuck fuck. I'm with you sister.

Waffle said...

Helena, Fuck that for a fucking Saturday. You need a fucking fairy cake. Come the fuck over here and I'll make you as many as you fucking like.

A Mum said...

Fuck the cakes: you can drop a pom pom down your cleavage?! OMG. I wish i could.

Waffle said...

I could feed a family of four for a week on what I find down there most evenings, Reluctant.

Iota said...

Personally, I love the fairy cake in the top picture. I think you should patent it, and sell the idea to oh, I dunno, M&S or Fortnums or someone, and make millions.

Waffle said...

Iota - yes. They would have to put them in opaque wrappers with cautionary warnings on. It would be marvellous.
Can I stop eurodroning and go and make millions then?

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