Tuesday, 25 November 2008

How many half eaten waffles fit in a birdhouse?

Looking for legal advice? Run for the hills

I arrived in my office this morning to find a piece of paper (there are several million others, but no matter, this one has drifted to the top of the heap), in my handwriting, prominently on display.




It said:




What is state aid?



-principle

-rationale

-legal basis





Oliver James idiot


housecoat sex


fucking small camera


Oliver James what are you doing


dead crow


fluff fondant


weapons vikings need for a successful invasion


Can I Compeed my Pokémon?


upsy daisy housecoat


what do belgium people wear?


we enjoy others misfortunes


how many half-eaten waffles fit in a birdhouse*?




They should SO have let me resign.





*Yes, these are all google searches ending here. I had noted them down in the hope of doing something amusing with them, but Katyboo does it better.

Pre-birthday gloom-fest

I had a nice pre-birthday tantrum this evening. The eurospawn were being exceptionally uncooperative, I spilled a tray of crappy foodstuffs all over the rug AND the household god, the flashing box of wonder that gives me internet connectivity and them the healing balm of Playhouse Disney had a wobble. I said lots of bad words. And stamped my little foot. And then I had to lie down on the bathroom floor for a while muttering "I HATE my life" like a fourteen year old. Lashes kindly covered me with a sleeping bag and patted my hand, which was shaming. Hopefully with that out of the way I will manage to behave as a birthday girl should tomorrow.

During my Eeyore moment, I found a morbid and horrible little project for that I am obscurely delighted with, anyway. I wanted to take a picture of the unbelievable fucked-upness of my lips, which have mutated into cushions of peeling, ripping pain. The result was so freakishly ugly that it delighted me, so I have taken pictures of some of the ugliest parts of me (NOT RUDE ONES) in the most unflattering light imaginable. It was an oddly enjoyable activity and I will display the results tomorrow in a gruesome hommage to myself as I turn 34. I know, you're thinking, oh, the odd crow's foot, a little sagging. But no. My body is particularly cruel at the moment and it is a true freakshow, I assure you. You might want to give it a miss.

Don't go yet - I want to make you buy Japanese stuff

Oh! Also I have news for you. The nice people at Shinzi Katoh are offering you all a 15% discount on Japanese loveliness if you put the code BELGIAN in when you checkout, until 30 November. Their wares featured here in a particularly unsavoury context on cocktail night, when the CFO got hairy hand disease from a Porto Flip. Their stuff is fricking lovely, not obscenely dear and oh fuck, they are now doing bowls, fuck, there go the last few euros of my salary.

They aren't paying me to say that. I wish they were, maybe I could afford the 3.1 Philip Lim blouse if I mentioned them, like eight thousand times. Anyone want me to mention your product eight thousand times in return for a blouse? I'm yours.

15 comments:

Léonie said...

Amazing. It is only a small leap between using your blog to get discounts on stuff and using your blog as the main income earner in your household, therefore affording you blouses for everyone and a little extra Compeed for the pokémon.

P.S. How many half-eaten waffles do fit in a bird house? I need to know.

Mr Farty said...

If I were a Viking, I'd get the Daneleks to do the hard work.

And why are they not paying you to carry their ads? S'not fair! *stamps foot*

katyboo1 said...

bless you for your loveliness.

I cannot look at the shiny things you send me. This is a local shop. I cannot afford to look. I buy discount biscuits in Asda. I cannot afford to look...

Oh Bugger. Now I have looked and I want and my eyes are all sore with desirous needs. As if yesterday and the six hundred and fifty pound Emin monoprint and two grand Sam Taylor Wood photo weren't enough.

Now my Christmas list is so huge I might borrow the national debt of Namibia to pay for it.

Lulu LaBonne said...

I really want to know the answer to the birdhouse question too.

And for unflattering images of one's self I can recommend the little camera on the top of my laptop

Zed said...

Is it your birthday today? Happy birthday and see you on Friday - check your email luvvie.



wv: kcnimbos = bimbo knickers. See, you're still young enough!

Completely Alienne said...

Your gruesome hommage sounds most interesting. Will you be able to post a little earlier tonight please? My 14 year old has moved into my room with me and says 'we' need an early night tonight so I won't be allowed to stay up late to see your pictures. I think I am doing something wrong here. Also, I would like to know what warpons vikings need for successful invations - I was very affected by the Viking museum.

Completely Alienne said...

I meant WEAPONS (sorry for shouting).

curlywurlyfi said...

Not to make you hate me forever or anything, but Sarah, the nice lady who does Shinzi Katoh in London, was at my house for supper last night + brought me a lovely sundae glass which was amazingly good as a sherry glass (since that is what I was drinking).

Karen said...

Gelukkige verjaardag!

Lang zal ze leven
Lang zal ze leven
Lang zal ze leven in de gloria
In de gloria, in de gloria

Hieper de piep...
...HOERA!


(I know Brussels is predominantly French-speaking, but who can resist a 'hieper de peip'?)

Have a lovely birthday, and bless you for making me brave enough to comment at last. May your day be filled with shame-free fondant and chocolate.

justme said...

HAPPY BIRTHDAY! Wishing you a lovely day, with much champagne chocolate and sparkly things in it.

Léonie said...

I forgot this bit:

Happy Birthday! I hope you are behaving regally, as a birthday girl should. Demand stuff!

Jaywalker said...

My comment just got eaten. Because I am writing from Drunk with No Blouse I suppose.

Thank you! thank you for birthday wishes! You are all lovely.

Léonie - Waffles/birdhouse - would depend on how hungry the bird is, I think.

Mr F - but what about the eye parasites?

Katyboo - maybe you could start a biscuit hedge fund. I am sure this could work, somehow.

Lulu - I don't think you'll be disappointed. Tune in later.. (but not too much later so CA gets to read it too)

Zed - bimbo knickers - there is still hope! Hurrah!

Oh curlywurlyhifi I am quite scarily jealous. Keep out of Belgium today. If you see her again tell her I love her. try and say it in a really creepy way.

Karen - wow. just, wow. I am awed by your dutch singing skills. thank you so much! hieper de piep!

Hieper de piep to you all. Now it is spawn hairdressing time. Joy.

Red Shoes said...

Oh dear. I hope that when you say Drunk with No Blouse, that you mean you have had such a lovely birthday that you have gotten so dazzlingly tipsy that you no longer feel the need to wear a blouse... not that that there was a jumper where the blouse should have been.... do I need to send you a bad photo of my nose now? Just let me know.

I have to say, I thought that the list was of planned blog post titles for the future. It seemed appropriate.

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