Wednesday, 5 November 2008

House full of mysogynistic bastard objects

Dear electrical and mechanical equipment in the house (and other related stuff),

Just because the CFO is away, you do not have carte blanche to fuck with my head by breaking, squeaking, jamming, leaking and generally misbehaving. I do not care what he whispered to you before he left, with his parting caresses to the thermostat and the tortoises. I am here and I know where the fuse box is. Probably. Whatever. I have a hammer and I know how to use it.

Shower, you in particularly are going to get your shitty pvc head kicked in very soon. I am sure it is very hilarious for you to turn yourself back on again and refuse to turn off. Oh yes, ha ha I am so glad I put my corset on today, for my sides are verily splitting, yes indeed. And you, wrench, or "pince" or whatever it is you call yourself, yes you:

I see what you and the CFO where doing there, keeping the shower shut off, but how was I to know that this morning when I innocently removed you to have a shower? Also, but could you not show me the common decency of having some moderately intuitive system of shutting? I have spend half an hour swearing and weeping at your obstinately open jaws to no avail and have had to use gaffer tape to shut your ridiculous mouth. The CFO has attempted to explain on the telephone, but his exhortations of "point mort" "vice" "d├ęserrer pour serrer" have only made me grind my teeth and whimper. Unfortunately the gap between you, "pince" and the shower wall is too small to get the roll of tape through without knocking you off the vital screw, so each time I try, the shower turns on again. Hilarious! I have had to abandon you altogether and wrap tape around the whole thing and hope for the best.

Heating and hot water, I have nothing more to say to you. Your single-minded insistence on screwing up every time the CFO leaves the house is no longer a surprise to me. I prepare myself for long periods without washing or heat. You hold no fear for me. I have a hot water bottle and lots of jumpers and smelling bad is a good way to get a seat on the tram. Do your worst! Bring it on.

Gaffer tape, you are my only friend tonight. Not only are you keeping me from drowning in a tidal wave of mysteriously brown shower water, but you have also assisted me in making a robot out of a Tic Tac carton, for reasons that are as obscure to me as they are compelling to Lashes. I am not wild about the way you twist yourself in knots or refuse to rip cleanly, but you are still my only ally. You can stay.

Key, lock, door - you are bastards, all of you. I can't quite work out whether you would like me to be murdered in my bed by Damien from the corner shop, or whether you would prefer for me to be locked out on the street at the mercy of Damien and his pervy lecherous comments, or indeed for me to be condemned to stand all day beside you, door, as you, key, refuse to come out of you, lock. You are not big, or clever. One day I will watch you melt you in a fiery furnace and LAUGH and fan the flames.

CFO's phone, I don't know what you are even DOING here. You should be on an industrial estate in Germany with the CFO. He has asked me to transfer all your functions in some arcane way to him, though if he were in his right mind he would know that I could no more do this than I could sprout wings and fly you to Germany in my feathery grasp. Instead I am swearing at your teeny tiny buttons and ineptly fielding calls from German tractor salesmen. If one more of them calls, I am dropping you down the loo. It will be fully justified.

That is all. I live here too you know. Some of you would do well to remember that. Please do not disturb me for the next hour. I need Migraleve pinks and gin.


Your part owner.

(ps. Iron, if you think that I have forgotten you falling on my thumb while I looked for a ruler yesterday you are very much mistaken. I have my eye on you too)

Do join in anyone. It's pathetic fallacy day here on Belgian Waffle. Is your car out to get you? Your vacuum cleaner? Your microwave? Write them an open letter in the comments box. Share the rage. Oh, and anyone technically proficient who can explain to me how to shut the jaws of that tool thing gets a Belgian prize.


Anonymous said...

That wrench can be a friend as good as gaffer tape. Twist the screw on its foot and its jaws will close tight on whatever you wish to squash.

Then, just flick the lever (its 'third leg') and the jaws will fly open again. If ever you need three hands (who doesn't?) or the grip of Superman, this little guy is the greatest.

He will, however, chew the edges of nuts and bolts, so use him with care and/or desperation.

Hope that helps. :)

justme said...

Ooooooooooooooh! Isn't 'anonymous' clever???! I am so sorry but I am not good with tools. Or machines. But I DO sympathise with your awful plight!
Clearly the CFO is a necessary fixture....tortoise, or not, and should come home soon bearing much chocolate to compensate you for his absence...
May I ask......ahem!....are the (other) tortoises now resting in the veg crisper department?
And is it not time to organise the Winter Fete? I am sure I can rely on you....

Potty Mummy said...

Could we include our boiler in your rant please? It seems to think it's funny to misbehave all weekend and then, once the big bad engineer gets here with his wrench (Anonymous is indeed a smarty pants) 3 days later, to be all sweetness and light and behave perfectly. I fully expect to wake up tomorrow morning to hear it's evil laughter as I try in vain to have a warm shower.

Jaywalker said...

Anonymous, would you be thoroughly creeped out if I said I love you? I took the wrench down and examined it in the cold light of, um, night and mastered the screw thing. You are a genius.
If you would like a Belgian prize, email

Maybe a Christmas fair, Justme? Is the world ready for this though? The tortoises lost too much weight during their detox phase, so we are back to refattening pre-big chill. It is SO complex. Gone are the days of the Blue Peter carboard box.

Potty Mummy - malevolent boilers, ah yes, I have known a few of those. They are the spawn of satan. The plumber will say he needs to change the master circuit board but it is a lie. Just saying.

Mr Farty said...

Ah. I see you have already been rescued by a knight in shining armour. I ♥ mole grips, they are my weapon of choice for everything upto and including holding sticky buns while I nibble them.

Mobile phones left lying around deserve everything they get.

Jaywalker said...

So is that its name, Mr F? A "mole grip"? Hmm. Could it cope with a goopcake though. I think not.

parisgirl said...

A shower, boiler, locks, phones...think yourselves lucky. My entire building is out to get me. I have returned to find we have been flooded again. This happens without fail
a) whenever we go away
b) every three months, which ever is sooner.
This time it was "dirty" water. Please don't think too hard about it; I am trying not to.

Jaywalker said...

Parisgirl! Perhaps you can tell me what time it is since we are on the same time zone. I forgot to mention that every clock/phone in the house reads a different time. By several hours. Is it nearly midnight, or nearly eleven? Or neither?

Dirty water. Oh dear. Your building does indeed hate you.

parisgirl said...

It is midnight and I'm turning into a waterlogged pumpkin.

parisgirl said...

Jaywalker, do look at this. In the idle hours when I should be in bed or emptying buckets of leaking whatever your post made me wonder what a monkey wrench was and if it was different to a mole wrench and look what I found. Everything you never wanted to know about wrenches!

Red Shoes said...

OMG, Jaywalker. Teh woe!! I will send chocolates immediately. You poor thing, you did not deserve this there, there.

Kitschen Pink said...

It is days like this which explain why perfectly lovely wives and mothers turn into serial killers or simply up and leave their beautiful family for a tractor driver in the Ukraine. How educational to see madness at it's inception.
Honestly though sweetie - call a little man who can sort the wrench - and

Red Shoes said...

BTW, TicTac robot is my favorite.

peevish said...

Around here we call those things vice grips, and they are essential for modern life. Plus, they are heavy enough to be used as a weapon in a pinch.

My computer is always, always sabotaging my happiness. Especially when Mr. Man decides to install/un-install/upgrade/change anything. fucking hell.

peevish said...


I meant vise grips. I think. Although it does give me ideas for fixing the computer situation.

peevish said...

And! (comment #3!) the robot is perfection.

ptooie said...

ahhh.... vise grips on the shower... I spent years like that, except mine were in place to hold down a latch which operated the tub drain. If I did not want a bath (and I am emphatically a shower person), the vise grips needed to be weighing down the latch.
My clock was against me this morning too- alarm did something to itself and failed to go off. I woke up at 7:30 (have to be at work at 7:00, oops).

and yes, that robot is wonderful. I may have to try that!

karenmc said...

I suggest you start referring to all electrical equipment as "the staff" so they are quite clear about their place in the pecking order. Threaten to replace them if they don't behave, and don't take any nonsense from them. Perhaps you could show how serious you are by doing something unspeakable to the robot (don't let on that it's only a tictac box or the game will be up).

Jaywalker said...

ParisGirl - goodness, that was a mine of information. It made me sweat lightly. I think you should have a large drink and lie down now.

Red Shoes - yes please! Maybe in the arms of some kind of concierge type person who can sort out 'the staff' (thank you Karen, this is genius). Thank you for the robot love!

Peevish - I can think of some people (and objects) who I would like to see in a vice grip today. Yes indeed.

Ptooie - me too me too. Woke up at 8:15, children had to be at school at 8:15. Of course, then the key did its sticking in the lock trick so we were even more heinously late than we might otherwise have been as I dabbed vegetable oil onto it with a chopstick. Damn! I am happy to hear I am not the only shower wrench person out there though.

livesbythewoods said...

Ahhh yes....the strange link men have with the heating systems.

For the last 2 years, each time Mr WithaY has jetted off to his Red Sea diving holiday (in JANUARY....sometimes ON MY BIRTHDAY, not that I'm bitter), the boiler has packed up and refused to provide either heat or hot water.

I think he texts it from his mobile on the dive boat and tells it to save on oil.

katyboo1 said...

my best day was when Tilly was six months old and ex-husband was away being continental. The boiler exploded leaving me with no heat/water. I waited seven hours for a man from Dagenham to fix it. He came at eight o'clock at night, did something arcane which he charged me £200 for and left cackling. Ten minutes later the radiator in our bedroom exploded black viscous water down through the new cream carpets, through the hideously expensive eau de nil paint in the hall ceiling and trickled through all the downstairs light fittings causing them to explode. I was poor, terrified, in the dark and still had no heat/water.

These days it is my PC which is out to get me. My husband is in IT but it doesn't help. I ring him, he talks foreign at me. I press buttons randomly and cry. The PC laughs and then eats all my lovely things.


Did you know that you can now get flowery tools for girls?!

nappy valley girl said...

Can I add my washing machine outflow pipe?

Despite having placated you with a shiny, lovely new machine you are STILL leaking every time you drain the water during the final spin. The latest ‘thinking’ on this is that the new machine has too powerful a pump for you and that you are ‘too flat’ for purpose. This is v unhelpful of you, considering you are encased in concrete and altering you will involve major building upheaval. I am starting to hate you with a passion.

Jaywalker said...

Livesbythewoods - Heating systems are a one person thing. Either they bond with you or they don't. Sadly.

Katyboo - the cackling plumber is echoing in my head! Yeesh.

NVG - Outflow pipe, d'you hear that? Sort it out, stat. Noone is indispensable.

Completely Alienne said...

I have a washing machine that leaks from the bit where it joins the water pipe. I found one of those wrench things amonst my husbans's tools but sitting on wet floor trying to tighten things at strange angles over my left shoulder is not easy and the sodding thing is still leaking - I must try the gaffer tape ...

Also the radiator in my room has it in for me. A workman took it off to replaster and redecorate the wall, and when he put it back it leaked and needed bleeding. I actually know how to bleed a radiator (sorry) but of course this radiator is different from all the others in the house and the key doesn't fit it [according to the lying gits at my local DIY shop there is only one size of radiator key, which is patently not true] so I can't bleed it. In my nice clean, redecorated bedroom I therefore have a radiator with a cold patch and a drip (this is purely because I also got a nice new carpet).

And the tiles have started falling off in my shower room. How long have you got? I could go on ... and on. WV is mutians - all my appliances etc are mutians.

Jaywalker said...

Oh dear CA, the mutians are after you. Threaten them with a vice mole grip wrench pince.

Fat Controller said...

Wot the others said. What you have there is a mole wrench (un pince taupe, maybe???). Strangely, we keep one in the shower as well, for when the water-heater pressure-relief valve plays up.

What you need to do is to screw the little screw right out, then gradually screw it in in stages until when you close it, the jaws grip firmly on whatever it is you want firmly gripped. If the grip is not firm enough, screw in another half turn and so on until the handles give a sort of click (or clic). to release, press down on the bent third leg. Didn't they teach you anything at Quaker school?

Jaywalker said...

FC - No, nothing. Nothing unrelated to the decoration of egg cups anyway.
Thank you for the pince taupe instructions! The pince's owner is back from Germany and whispering sweet nothings to the pince as he lovingly puts its legs where they are supposed to be.

Nikki said...

I shall leave a letter as you suggested.

Dear plumbing--
Fuck you.

Love, Nikki.

Thanks! I feel better!

Jaywalker said...

Yup, I think you've covered all the salient points.
Anytime! Come back and insult your stuff here whenever you like!