Sunday, 9 November 2008

Which of these looks best on a head?

Advice please. Which one of these balding wigs is worse*?

#1 "Old baldy - comb-over, ur doin it rong"

#2 "Plz let it not be a windy day"

Not too bad, you're thinking. But wait! Look what lies beneath!

Freakish bruise-like bald patch! Like someone has been attacking my scalp with a mole wrench pince vise grip.

Yeah. That bad. It sort of makes me wonder why I bother wearing nice clothes or putting make up on. Oh yes! I don't! I'll just setttle right back down in my €5 stained tracksuit bottoms, and promotional t-shirt from the work trip to the Millenium Dome, pick my spots and eat my bodyweight in chocolate pumpkins and quit fretting.

I'm thinking maybe tomorrow I should go for this:

I've been wanting to make a cabbage leaf mask for soooo long and this cabbage was just perfect - I love its twisty, curly headpiece. I look like Mr Oogie Boogie Man from the Nightmare Before Christmas don't I?

Disturbing. I'm like the creepy, creepy vegetable man from some German cautionary tale about small boys who don't eat their greens. I'm the evil spirit of brassicas. See this and never eat cabbage again. Note that I spent time making a cabbage leaf mask, but the kitchen is in exactly the same state as yesterday (though Makka Pakka is gone, I think the CFO binned him while we were out). Fingers tried it too.

It would take more than that to scare Fingers off green things though. Please observe as my freakish child eats RAW. Brussel. Sprouts.

"Maman!" whines his elder brother, jealously. "Why does Fingers have chou et chou de bruxelles and not ME?"

"There's plenty for everyone of you freaks, uh, darlings"

Also, doesn't the hall look nice with that liberal coating of christ knows what? Delightful; welcome once more to my gorgeous home.

Mmm, delicious. (Freaks).

I rent them out to exercise peer pressure on other children for a small fee, payable in Fruit Shoots and Pokemon cards.

*Newer readers may need to know I am bald, not merely a collector of balding wigs. Bald underneath the balding wig. Yes indeed!


Potty Mummy said...

You. Are. Just. Showing. Off.

(And by the way, that mask put me more in mind of Kim Basinger, post-acid attack, in Batman...)

Waffle said...

You are SO right PM. Ner ner ner ner ner.
You so want a wig like mine.

katyboo1 said...

It's hard to choose between the wigs. Try wearing the rest of the cabbage hollowed out to go with the mask and be all matching and fashionable.

I did think you looked a bit like the veg version of Struwellpeter ackshewerly.

Can't really get head round the idea of small children eating brussels in any form. Cannot compute...melting now...

katyboo1 said...

did answer triops q in my comments but then thought I'd belt and braces.

Our triops didn't get that far. They had a horrible triops massacre when Tills dropped the whole thing on the hall floor and smashed it, thus committing triops genocide.


Teena Vallerine said...

I'm so sorry but I only tolerate sprout eating on one day of the year due to the windy after effects! I could happily eat those cute boys though!
Ref. the wig, I rather like those spangly pink ones that come out at parties! t.xx

Waffle said...

Come on, off the fence all of you. Wig #1 or wig #2.

Juci said...

OK, I'm not an expert on wigs so I'll pass. Your children are freaks, granted. But what I don't get is, what's wrong with your kitchen and hall? No matter how hard I look, I see nothing out of the ordinary. Nothing I wouldn't see in my own respective rooms. Except the nice tiles of course.
(Ha ha, my word verification word thingy is 'prennyli'. That alone made it worth commenting.)

Mr Farty said...

I quite like the Donald Trump effect, in a totally not-liking-Donald-Trump-at-all way.

Er, 1?

P said...

I would be tempted to go all out with the wig - a sort of Sonny and Cher confection with sparkly black crocheted mesh headgear. Just a thought.

I like raw sprouts as well - crunchy goodness. I thought I was alone, but now all is well in the world.

peevish said...

Could you artfully arrange the hair on one of the wigs with a hairclip so the bald patch doesn't show, even in wind? That's what I would try to do. But a bald patch is certainly better than a bruised bald patch,non? Either that or paste on some nasty-looking scabs up there so people really feel sorry for you/are frightened of you and give you extra space in elevators.

Fingers looks awesome in his cabbage mask!

And truly, you are a show-off with your raw-vegetable-eating children. I'll borrow them any time, for peer-pressure purposes. My children exist on nothing but chocolate milk & peanut butter. Well, one of them will eat fruit, but the other one won't even eat bananas or grapes anymore. sigh. If we didn't have modern vitamin supplements, they'd both have the scurvy.

karen said...


Or #2, and paint on an electrical socket & tell people you need regular recharging if they notice.

Or hot pink. Bugger it - life is short.

As for the brussels sprouts eating children - mine are willing to lose fingers in order to swipe raw carrot, beans, cauliflower & broccoli from beneath my knife. Must try them on brussels sprouts ...

Red Shoes said...

Ok, first thing I notice is how pretty the remaining wig hair is. So shiny and such a nice color. Obviously of lovely quality. Why do they (the wigs) keep balding? Seems unfair and wrong.

The question was "which is worse?", right? The bruised mole wrench pince vise gripper attacked one, surely.. unless you can keep that head wound from popping out at inopportune times.

Is it time for a new one? When one feels good about their hairs, one feels good about everything... even stained sweatpants and t-shirts... which, by the way, is exactly what I'm wearing right now. Exactly.

Oh, and cabbage head/oogey boogey = superfantastic. Love it.

Rosie Redfield said...

Can balding wigs be given hair transplants (should be much cheaper than a whole new wig)?

Waffle said...

Juci - thank you for making me feel normal(ish). You can come round anytime.

Mr F - Shall I artfully smooth the giant long strands from the front to cover the holes at the back? It's what Donald would do, right?

P - Interesting. I was wondering about a Leningrad Cowboys uber quiff to distract from the bald patches. Am I possibly looking after your children?

Peevish - Mm, childrens vitamins. I love those ones that are like gummi bears. I could eat them all day. Yum. I will task one of the boys with stealing a hairclip from the school yard and experiment.

Karen - thank you. A socket might work.

Red Shoes - I have ordered new ones but they aren't here yet, argh. The balding thing is just freakish, frankly.

Rosie - yes, I will be sending them back as soon as I have something else to put on my head! It's cold in Belgium. And windy which pretty much disqualifies #2

Keith (kcm) said...

Why wear a wig at all? Join the punks -- go bald! Be proud! You could even start a new(?) trend and have a tattoo on your scalp (use henna if you don't want it for even).

Oh you must wear a wig? How about a barrister's wig? No? Then I'm with karenmc -- bright pink or budgerigar green. :-)

Marie said...

Now I'm going to have nightmares.

Waffle said...

KCM - remember I'm a lawyer. Tattooed scalp might be a little bit out there for the eurodrones. A colourful tie is a bit out there for them.

Marie - poor poppet. What was it - the bruised scalp? The mask? The raw sprouts? There there. Go and look at the pretty stuff from yesterday.

katyboo1 said...

I have come off the fence and out of my meltage.

How about splicing the best bits of one and two together to make one fulsome head of glorious hair a la the Timotei advert?

You are good at crafts and always looking for a project.

Voila! You are the new Cher and I claim my ten euros.

Anonymous said...

As a fellow lawyer I can appreciate that hot pink will not do for work - stick to *2, it has more hair and get hot pink for the days you don't work come the New Year.

Peer pressure does not work in the veggie eating world. I have one that eats all vegetables known to man and one that eats next to none. She is not influenced by her sister, or by her cute 3 year old cousin who also eats every veggie put in front of her with relish. Only expensive clothes and toys have the peer pressure effect.

Like Juci, I see nothing wrong with your hall. Mine is obstructed by a large dead TV and large redundant PC screen waiting for a kind, strong brother in law to take them to the dump for me.

And I don't have nice tiles either. Just grubby carpet and peeling wallpaper.

Waffle said...

Katyboo - I did think maybe I should turn them both into a giant luxuriant beard.

CA I did in fact go for #2, though the freak winds in Brussels today are not helping.

justme said...

How about #2 with a scarf type affair tied artfully around? Or possibly some furry earmuffs on a headband thingy? Or borrow a fez from Non Working Monkey? Or attach a little crocheted drinks mat (you know the get them at village fetes!) over the bald bit attached with kirby grips and say you copied it from Vogue?
I must say it does seem horribly unfair that WIGS go bald!! I never knew that......but yes I agree with katyboo that your talent for crafts is such that you could surely match and mend?
And by the way you have some LOVELY things in your house I am very glad (but not actually surprised) to see!!

Waffle said...

Justme - Your suggestions are marvellous. Are you proposing a crocheted beer mat? As a hat? I like your thinking.

bonnie-ann black said...

when my two nephews lived with me, one would eat any vegetable, tuber or fruit and eat it raw (including potatoes and turnips, which i love cooked but, honestly, bleeeech!) and the other one who i think didn't eat any other vegetable except corn until he was 15...

Red Shoes said...

Or attach a little crocheted drinks mat (you know the get them at village fetes!) over the bald bit attached with kirby grips and say you copied it from Vogue?

I wish someone, ANYONE, would do this and post a photo. I don't know what a kirby grip is (a bobby pin? and is a pop sock a knee-high?), but it sounds really fabulous. Tres chic, chick, cheek.

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