Thank you for your efficient free mail service. It is very good. I am however experiencing some confusion with the targeted advertising you believe will interest me and my email correspondents. Let me give you some examples.
Violet - "can you live on $1 a day?", "why does my hand go numb?", "tingling finger worries" "pigculiar news on pigs"
I do not believe we have ever discussed hands or pigs. The answer to question one is "no". We require ribbon. And ginger shapes.
BMF - Flemish dating websites. Why? When the word "partnership" appears in his email footer it is not That Kind of partnership. BMF is happily married.
Pochyemu - "lead guitar secrets scam", "the subconscious mind".
I would draw your attention to the fact that this is the woman who is trying to give her husband away on this website. To date she has sent me pictures of him, passed on his kind offer to show me his penis AND provided photos of a Mussel Hospital he constructed at work. I fail to see the relevance of either topic you suggest.
[Hmm, yes, I suppose you're right, I can't just tell you that then not show you. It wouldn't be fair. Behold! Mussel Hospital!
WHAT IS IN THAT "DRIP". I would really like to sleep tonight but with that image in my mind it is going to be veerrrry tricky.
Léonie? You still want him? ]
Persephone - "food extrusion consultants"
Expateek - Fuerteventura golf trips, "persistent group chat"
Kitschen Pink - "Tomahawk deluxe rat traps"
FourStar - "Why didn't he call? How to understand men and beat them at their own game".
LivesbytheWoods - "eliminating head pressure"
Mountainear - "need a private jet?", "chemical stationery"
ParisGirl - "Replica Johnny Depp cuffs"
Peevish - property in Jakarta, "sheep/goat slaughterlines", "your facial symmetry", "sheep wool insulation", "flame resistant Indura" (this latter is, apparently, safety clothing made from glass. Marvellous!). Ms Peevish does not possess sheep. Or indeed goats. Her facial symmetry is not in doubt, she is merely hiding behind a plant.
Barbara Card Atkinson is mystifyingly labelled with - "daily cow cooling" (oops, no, that should be "dairy", I like daily better), "got manure wastewater?" and "easy microbial detection". To my knowledge Ms Atkinson has no over-heating livestock or hygiene problems.
Not to mention Dani at Kitchen Playground, who, I believe has not expressed a particular interest in "learning how to sculpt babies".
I should also mention that the banner advert at the top of my inbox currently reads "Learning to live with multiple personality disorder". I really cannot see how this is in any way relevant to my correspondence.
Any further clarification on this subject would be most gratefully received.
PS - I challenge those of you mentioned above to write a post on the topic Gmail has assigned you. Anyone else requiring a project, or merely the verdict of Gmail upon you and your email composition, can email the waffle mail box at firstname.lastname@example.org