Wednesday, 19 November 2008

Gmail - in ur inbox pidginholin ur intrestz

Dear Gmail




Thank you for your efficient free mail service. It is very good. I am however experiencing some confusion with the targeted advertising you believe will interest me and my email correspondents. Let me give you some examples.




Violet - "can you live on $1 a day?", "why does my hand go numb?", "tingling finger worries" "pigculiar news on pigs"


I do not believe we have ever discussed hands or pigs. The answer to question one is "no". We require ribbon. And ginger shapes.



BMF - Flemish dating websites. Why? When the word "partnership" appears in his email footer it is not That Kind of partnership. BMF is happily married.



Pochyemu - "lead guitar secrets scam", "the subconscious mind".



I would draw your attention to the fact that this is the woman who is trying to give her husband away on this website. To date she has sent me pictures of him, passed on his kind offer to show me his penis AND provided photos of a Mussel Hospital he constructed at work. I fail to see the relevance of either topic you suggest.



[Hmm, yes, I suppose you're right, I can't just tell you that then not show you. It wouldn't be fair. Behold! Mussel Hospital!







WHAT IS IN THAT "DRIP". I would really like to sleep tonight but with that image in my mind it is going to be veerrrry tricky.





Léonie? You still want him? ]




Persephone - "food extrusion consultants"




Expateek - Fuerteventura golf trips, "persistent group chat"




Kitschen Pink - "Tomahawk deluxe rat traps"




FourStar - "Why didn't he call? How to understand men and beat them at their own game".




LivesbytheWoods - "eliminating head pressure"




Mountainear - "need a private jet?", "chemical stationery"




ParisGirl - "Replica Johnny Depp cuffs"



Peevish - property in Jakarta, "sheep/goat slaughterlines", "your facial symmetry", "sheep wool insulation", "flame resistant Indura" (this latter is, apparently, safety clothing made from glass. Marvellous!). Ms Peevish does not possess sheep. Or indeed goats. Her facial symmetry is not in doubt, she is merely hiding behind a plant.




Barbara Card Atkinson is mystifyingly labelled with - "daily cow cooling" (oops, no, that should be "dairy", I like daily better), "got manure wastewater?" and "easy microbial detection". To my knowledge Ms Atkinson has no over-heating livestock or hygiene problems.




Not to mention Dani at Kitchen Playground, who, I believe has not expressed a particular interest in "learning how to sculpt babies".



I should also mention that the banner advert at the top of my inbox currently reads "Learning to live with multiple personality disorder". I really cannot see how this is in any way relevant to my correspondence.



Any further clarification on this subject would be most gratefully received.


Yours,


Mme Jaywalker



PS - I challenge those of you mentioned above to write a post on the topic Gmail has assigned you. Anyone else requiring a project, or merely the verdict of Gmail upon you and your email composition, can email the waffle mail box at belgianwaffling@gmail.com

27 comments:

Kitschen Pink said...

Actually I may need to get back to you on that. The farmer cleared and ploughed the adjacent field this year (wheat prices and all) but ordinarily he leaves pheasant cover which is a bit of a rat issue, especially around the bird tables. However, this year, being so cold as it has been, we have a field mouse issue in the house. I've bought those stupid humane boxes which mean you catch a live mouse - what the hell you're supposed to do with it then I don't know - maybe release it in the city to give it a culture shock? Anyway, if said mice don't fancy the trip I may well resort to that fine sounding tomahawk contraption. Remarkably apposite I'd say! Spooky even. t.xx

pochyemu said...

It's a strawberry jam drip!

The details are the most disturbing aspects of this.

justme said...

The Mussel Hospital is inspirational. Pochyemu, I don't think you should give him away, you should keep him just for his craft works. What on earth does he do at work that he has such materials to hand?? And why have you no blog of your own to show off these offerings?
Jaywalker, I am impressed at the extent of your E mail correspondence. I see no advertising on mine...maybe I just haven't noticed!

Persephone said...

Done. But only because I'm desperate for distraction today. Google, as you may discover, seems to have a warped but weirdly accurate insight into my psyche. You've been warned.
Love the mussel hospital too. But not enough to look at Pochyemu's husband's genitals.
My word verification is "bersm" which is, of course, what happens after an extrusion...

pochyemu said...

@Justme

He's a chef! He also creates mini women with green bean arms and legs, mussel genitals and cherry tomato breasts, although I don't have the photographic evidence to support it. Suffice it to say, I was served one of these vegetable women at his restaurant, in front of friends and customers.

peevish said...

That mussel hospital just made my day much brighter.

I'd LIKE to own sheep! Perhaps gmail knows my deepest desires.

zoe said...

Where do you find this advertising? I have adblock on so that may be the reason....

That mussel farm is superb and made Q's day. (Oh, mine too.)

Ha, and the wv is 'jardo'. Well...

livesbythewoods said...

If I show Mr WithaY the mussel hospital, lord only knows what might happen. I feel a bout of competitive creativity looming.

And I got Grende, which is obviously a Germanic instruction of some kind.

Jaywalker said...

KP - Ah, yes. never doubt the gmail oracle...

Pochyemu - Oh, phew. Sleep possibilities restored. Er, WHERE was this man during the village fête?

Justme - maybe it's all a bad dream. Who knows?

Mussel hospital just opens up a whole new raft of outsider crafting possibilities, no, Peevish? Is your face symmetry holding up tonight?

Zoe - superb and very Belgian-friendly I feel.

LucywithaY - ooh! A craft off beckons! Unless your head explodes in the meantime. Yay.

BarbaraCA said...

"To my knowledge Ms Atkinson has no over-heating livestock or hygiene problems."

"To my knowledge" being the operative here. I will have you know O do regularly over-muffle and bundle my cows and do not insist they wash their hands after using the facilities.

Jaywalker said...

Well then, Madam, you deserve everything the gmail oracle throws at you. Substandard cattle husbandry! Tsk tsk.

Parisgirl said...

I am most insulted that Gmail thinks I - or you for that matter - would be interested in "replica" anything. I'm also confused as I have no advertising anywhere on Gmail.
Lovely word verifications today: tompooke then hotima then dunce.

Red Shoes said...

Your Gmail ads are WAY more entertaining than mine are. The emails between you and I only ever inspire advertisements about about chocolate and fashion. Very predictable, we must be. Belgian targeted advertising opportunities sound fascinating. It should inspire me to get much more creative in the emailing department, but I am old and tired and my brain has trouble being inspired to even come up with a good excuse for not waking up at a reasonable hour. *sigh*

Mussel hospital is PHENOMENAL!. But, mussel genitals?!? pochyemu... wow. I don't know whether to be happy or concerned for you and your relationship. So conflicted.

Pochyemu said...

I dddiiiddd itttt!

Dani said...

Now that is a challenge I intend to rise to. Absolutely. Sculpted babies are on their way.

littleanomaly said...

"Acai Berry Warning" "2009 New Wedding Dresses" Ok that one makes sense.. "Petunia Pickle Bottom" "GOP to Detroit: Drop Dead" "Spam Quiche" "Spam confetti pasta" "Eminence Grise"

Red Shoes said...

I was just reading the most recent comments, with no intention of commenting myself as I have nothing new or interesting to say... when I notived that the WV was "cricie" which I think deserves to be used somehow. So, on behalf of Crocodile Hunter and anyone else who might use that term, I say to you all: Crikie!

Jaywalker said...

Hello everyone. I am not up to the comments box since I have just fainted on tram and been carted away in an ambulance. It was terribly exciting but there is nothing wrong with me. Anyhow. Keep up the good work. Go read Pochyemu's new blog. Oh, and Littleanomaly, you totally made those up but I love you for it.

Jaywalker said...

Ooh! And go over to Dani's because she has sculpted babies.

Dani said...

Oh dear. I think I need to hone my baby sculpting skills. Angry faint inducing babies were not what I had in mind.

Crikey indeed!

Jaywalker said...

I fainted BEFORE the babies Dani! They have revived me. Good babies. Good, angry babies. How are your children's Scottish accents coming on? Maybe you could teach them "I could eat a scabby heided wean"? It's popular in parts of my family..

Pochyemu said...

I told Rob he's now in demand for more creations along the lines of Mussel Hospital.

"What, they want more Mussel Hospital?!"

"No, something different and even better! They're crying out for more."

"Hmm...Mussel Hospital to...um...Penis Train Station!"

"No! God! NO PENIS!"

Dani said...

Well thank goodness for small mercies! Thought I had blood on my hands for a moment there.

The Ankle Biters have a long way to go. Their Scottish accents are appalling. I had them try "I could eat a scabby heided wean" and the result was even more unintelligible than the original. At least they ate the angry bread babies.

Jaywalker said...

Pochyemu - oh god how am I supposed to explain to the small child next to me why I am snorting and giggling?

Dani - hee! The babies were great. More babies!

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