Friday, 14 November 2008

For the love of Nathan, get me some funny

Move along, no funny here.

See? I tried to take a photo of the Grayson Perry dress, and it just came out looking, I don't know, nice or something. WTF. I suppose there had to be a reason why I bought it apart from overwhelming sensation of loneliness.

So I tried to take a picture of two other Grayson numbers (apparently, if it doesn't have a fuck off bow, you can forget about me buying it. Yes, the 3.1 Philip Lim blouse has one too. Duh). But all that that proved is that I am one of those serial shoppers we won't talk about when we start Hag mag and I like shades of sludge, eurozombie grey and black.

Ooh, settle down! Right here, your sartorial insomnia remedy!

In the immortal words of lovely commenter Lisa, 'the excitement, it burns'.

How will I amuse you with pictures of dull dresses? But it does give me a credit crunchie idea for calming my spending. When I want to buy something, perhaps I could just photocopy a few hundred pages of stuff from my desk, staple it into an approximate shroud shape and tie a bow around it. Job done!

Hmm, what else. Can't think, too busy trying to ignore small boys. Lashes has his friend Talkative round and they are driving me crazy with their incessant chatter which for some reason must, imperatively, involve me. Surely this is not the point of having your best friend round to play? Should they not be up to Arthur Ransome style boyish japes? Stuff with sticks and compasses or something? Honestly, where are the nineteen thirties when you need them. Although the two of them have moved on considerably since the zizi phase they are still a Bad Influence on one another, each goading the other on to greater acts of smart-arsery. Talkative swears like a navvie, I note with interest. Given his father is strict to the point of Franco-esque, with a brood of three buzz cut, well-behaved boys who do lots of macho physical activities. I rather like this act of rebellion, even if he does keep talking about my 'cul' (arse) and how large it is. He's also still traumatised by last year's mistletoe and won't come in the house until I show him it's gone. He calls it "the kiss trap".

I do love how physically affectionate they are with each other. They are very Southern European, or North African, always slinging their arms round each other, or holding hands. It's very sweet. Unfortunately today, the sweet is cancelled out by the 'Christ would you ever SHUT UP'. I do enjoy a peculiar snatch of conversation where Lashes describes a mystical being called 'Nathan' who is a baby with wings. On further investigation it appears he is thinking of Jesus. This makes me wonder what they learn in "morale" classes.

In Belgian school, religious education is separated into different faith groups. Doesn't that sound like an amazing way to promote religious tolerance? Yeah! Make sure the different faiths never meet! Then you can tell each of them that the others eat babies without fear of contradiction. Of course, Lashes is in the "morale" group which is where the atheists (and, presumably, the minority denominations not meriting their own group - I mean, budgetary demands can't possibly merit buddhist AND satanist groups) go, where apparently they learn about the works of Nathan, and 'politesse' (manners). I know nothing more about it, except they need ten sheets of squared paper.

Lashes later tells me that he doesn't believe in God, but he does believe in Nathan.

"But is Nathan God?" he shoots at me.

Hmm, tricky. I am quite the hot shot at religious history, I could go into lots of detail here. I refrain. "Uh, yes, they are supposed to be part of the same thing, sort of, but mainly the people who believe in God think he is God's son".

Theological questions resolved, he goes back to filling his hair with small squares of extremely sticky plastic.

I promise to do better tomorrow. Either that or I'll make more cakes.


parisgirl said...

Religious question: is Nathan just Brian in another reincarnation (you know: "blessed are the Greek"?).
Thank heaven French schools are secular!

Potty Mummy said...

I thought is was 'blessed are the cheesemakers'. But there you go. Clearly, no funny here either.

Mr Farty said...

I have to believe in Nathan, he is with us in a very real sense. Overnight, in fact.

pochyemu said...

Ommmmmgggggggg YOU AND ME AND ALL OUR BLACK CLOTHES SHOULD GET TOGEEETTTHHERRRR! We're not goths, we're just chic!

(I'm terribly sorry for all the shouting and commenting. It's just a habit now. I can't stop. Someone help me stop commenting! No one wants to hear/see my voice/typing!)

Jaywalker said...

Pochyemu, BMF and I think you are awesome. Especially your confessions, they were fabulous. Please don't stop!

Mr F- you have Nathan? Oh wow!

PG/PM - You clearly had a way better religious education than me. Ahem.

justme said...

LOL! my son's school (which he has now left, being all grown up and at university) used to have different assemblies for different faiths. As we have no faith, I asked him which one he went to...... 'Oh, well, sometimes the Muslim one and sometimes the Hindu.....'
Him...'Why not? Its not like I believe in God!'
Maybe the child is a philosopher after all...
DON'T feel you have to amuse us everytime you post my dear. We love you whatever you share!

Anonymous said...

Well, I have been waiting for a non funny day (and today really didn't qualify but I am using your description) to thank you for the funny days that got me through a very bad month. In fact, during a biopsy this week, when I should have been praying to Nathan, instead I was quoting snippets from your post on "supine parental abnegation" - when I would say "gnarled predatory claws" and "fish fingers" and "Discovery channel" I would laugh uncontrollably and jostle the needle (I had been given Valium and the radiologist thought I was hallucinating). Write the book.

Pearl said...

Oddly enough, I prayed regularly a number of years ago to Nathan the God of Bowling! I have since become a non-believer.

Go forth and gutter-ball no more.


Anonymous said...

I know a Nathan; last time I saw him he sat there with no pyjama bottoms on while Attila taught him to play chess. He was about 5 at the time - so is he master of the universe now then?

pochyemu said...

(Conversation tonight between myself and my husband):

Danielle: I might go to Belgium sometime to visit a lady you don't know who writes a blog.

Robert: A what?

D: A blog.

Robert: Who? What?? Ok.

D: Yes, I've won a Belgian prize!

R: Uhh...ok. Chocolates?

D: Maybe. Or maybe Chicory!

R: Oh...I can get that from work.

D: Mmm. Yes. Well, you never know!

R: Yes. By the way, I have no fucking idea what you're talking about.


Jaywalker said...

Justme - probably more fun that way, no?

Anon - I didn't think anyone had even read that post! God, that's probably the nicest thing anyone has even said/written to me. I really hope Nathan and the heavenly bastard in the sky not that I believe in them have done the right thing by you. Bastards.

Pearl - Hmm, I can even gutter ball with those little rails for kids. Nathan clearly knows I don't believe.

CA - apparently, at least in Belgium. Hasn't he done well!

Pochyemu - oh, I did love that. Does he also nod in non-comittal way with that kind of blank 'i haven't got a fucking clue but I REALLY don't want her to explain' look? I get that a lot. Yay! Belgian Waffle - sowing confusion throughout the greater Ascot area.

katyboo1 said...

It does look too chic and grey to be truly Grayson, but never fear, googly eyed Alan bag will be with you in about ninety years to liven up your day!

I may well take up Nathanism. My ex husband and I once went to a very dull wedding where the only thing that stopped us killing ourselves was having a fascinating conversation with a bloke who reckoned all you needed to start a good religion was a great outfit, lots of confidence and a roomy shed.

You could start the cult of Nathan if you nip to the Belgian equivalent of B&Q and purchase a shiny shed.

Jaywalker said...

Katyboo - Surely you could persuade one of your early followers to contribute a shed? I am sure I could get by with charisma and a great outfit. Maybe some good tunes would help too.

Juci said...

A guy called Nathan who can fly? Are you sure he's not watching Heroes?
Is it only me, or are the word verification things more like actual words lately? I mean, it's 'ferrici' this time. Sounds like a fabulous Italian designer or something.

Jaywalker said...

Juci - Oh my god! I hadn't even made the connection. He probably is. Or someone at school is. Hmm. Interesting.

Yes, apparently WV has got all wordlike recently, for added blogging fun. Put on your ferrici pumps and dance all night!

lisa in san diego said...

i am unreasonably excited about being quoted in your blog entry. i am beside myself with joy about being quoted on your nablopomo page. i almost woke my husband up (he's dozing on the couch in front of "chuck" with a half-empty pint of haagen-dasszzsezd mint chip in one hand) to show him, but was held back by my remaining shred of dignity. i am a sad, sad woman who needs a hobby.

(but really -- happy to share my words with you -- wish i could do with them what you do everyday!)

the excitement, she still burns . . .

Jaywalker said...

Yes! Lisa! I loved it so much I had to steal it. I also need a hobby, probably.

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