Sunday, 30 November 2008


Yes. I know. NaBloPoMoFo big fat FAIL. I didn't post yesterday. The twenty fucking NINTH, one day away from being covered in marathon posting glory, and instead all I have to offer you is seven hours in the emergency room and a giant comedy bandage. I can't even show you a picture, because the CFO has confiscated the camera as an excessive blogging penalty. I will just have to use my words.

The knee of death put in another giant, freakish appearance on Saturday and I couldn't move or walk or do anything except scare children at the work St Nicolas party (of which MUCH more later) with my disturbingly elephantine limb. So the CFO dropped me off at the hospital in the manner of a gangland shooting victim on an episode of ER, stopping for just long enough to roll my body out of the car then screeching off again. I don't begrudge this at all. The only thing worse than sitting for seven hours in casualty would be sitting for seven hours in casualty with two fractious children using my leg as monkey bars and an increasingly irate and squinty eyed Frenchman.

I think the hospital must have known I was feeling a little homesick because it put on a five star British casualty experience. Hour in the hall in the dark; bemused intern poking, going off to "ask my superior" and never being seen again; eventually getting an x-ray, then being abandoned in the room they use to put casts on for three hours weeping on an ever more insistent note in pain while occasionally people would try to come in and use the room, look puzzled at me, and go away again, pointedly ignoring my whimpering. More poking, mystery blood tests (never explained) and a catheter (is this the right word - I mean one in my arm, not to make me wee. It's catheter in French but I'm never sure) inserted, an ice pack, sheepish delegation of three doctors coming to say they couldn't actually do anything about it today, but I could go to orthopedics on Monday. More weeping from me. Asked for catheter to be removed - nurse went to "ask my superior", never seen again. Another hour waiting for prescription and appointment. Wheeled to the front desk to wait in dark for a taxi. Realised still had catheter in and had to ask receptionist to take it out. More weeping.

I will say one thing for the Belgian version of British casualty - when you've been waiting four hours and cry, they give you a consolation MORPHINE shot. Mmmm. This almost made it worthwhile. There were a couple of almost pleasant hours in a fuzzy, semi-catatonic state listening to the gibbering woman next door rant on about how she had been poisoned and she was going to tell the media as soon as she got out. It was a bit muddled, something to do with cats and sponges, but it was mildly distracting. Sadly, however much I pleaded for more, they weren't having it and chucked me out with a prescription for, uh, paracetamol. I still can't move my right leg, or sleep, which is mildly inconvenient to say the least.

I don't know what the moral of this story is. Don't hurt your knee on a Saturday? Don't assume NaBloPoMoFo is a good idea just because you usually manage to post everday? Don't boast about the superiority of the Belgian health system on your weblog?

I do have proper post for today if the CFO ever gives me the camera back. It has pictures of Père Fouettard collecting old dummies in a giant Nutella pot and everything. But I'm not promising anything or I'll probably get electrocuted by the kettle or cut my fingers off with an axe. Clearly I've displeased the blogging gods. They demand a sacrifice! I'm not sure what it might be, but I'll get back to you when I find out.

Update: now with added pathetic picture

Boo hoo poor me.


justme said...

Oh POOR you!!! But I think you are allowed just one cheat day surely?? Maybe if you blog twice today??
And I hope your knee gets better soon....sounds a bit worrying.

Grit said...

oh yes oh yes oh yes with recognition slapped all over its face. Five hours in A&E the day Squirrel fell onto a table and split her eyebrow open. (And that was the happy entertainment on the second day at nursery.)

fancypants said...

Its an IV cannula, but in Australia we call it a 'bung'. Although the patients don't seem to understand whatever you call it. I get the most recognition when I refer to it as that thing in thier arm.
But you poor thing, I'd have a nervous breakdown if I ever had to go work in the ED, let alone be a patient!!!!

Persephone said...

Yeeeowtch. Aren't joints fun? I am crediting you for a successful NaBloPoMoFo. You were in hospital and you posted twice today. I'm a former teacher. I have the authority. Send NaBloPoMoFo to me and I'll give them what for.

expateek said...

Wow. What a bummer. I KNEW something terrible had happened!

The tagline for NaBloPoMo is ... 30 posts in 30 days. Enuf said.

Hope your knee is feeling better.

zoe said...

Blimey, Em! You poor thing. I hope the knee is feeling better and that you have the next month off work. xxx

katyboo1 said...

That is an award winning bandage. Ouch!

Still, morphine eh? I had some once, it was lovely. Mustn't grumble...

DCup said...

I felt a bit guilty chuckling at portions of your telling of the tale when I saw the picture of your knee. Ouch!

I'd say you're excused from the NAPLwhatever it is, but since I'm not a participant, my opinion is moot.

Feel better soon!

livesbythewoods said...

Blimey, that looks grim.

Do they have bags of frozen peas in Belgium? That usually fixes knee problems, in my experience.

Mr Farty said...

F*ck Naplomoyomofo, just get better.


Z said...

That's horrible and I'm so sorry. I'm also a little anxious at having agreed so readily to swapping bodies. I confess I thought most about giving you the Gift Of My Lovely Hair, but my knees hardly hurt at all. Still, you deserve it and I am ready.

I had a whole bottle of morphine in my possession once, and I was tempted but didn't have a drop of it. It wasn't mine, you see. I'm such a twit.

Red Shoes said...

Ooooohh nooooo. Awful! You poor thing. You are truly having the shittiest birthday week ever. I can't believe how awful. I wish we could all, through our good wishes, nurse your poor knee back to health. It's not fair, it just isn't.

Jaywalker said...

Just me - you are lovely. I have tried the twice in one day thing. Fngers crossed.

Grit - mm, the joy. Extra specially so with a small child. Aren't they supposed to go first?

Thank you fancypants. I thought it was the wrong word. Could be embarassing.

I'll tell Mrs Kennedy I have a note from you Persephone. That should work.

Expateek - you think? I might still win hand tied fishing flies? I do hope so.

Zoe - did you secretly get me with your axe when I wasn't looking? I didn't feel a THING.

Katyboo - I had to rip it off with my nails. It was driving me insane.

DCup - I was chuckling too at some points. The morphine ones mainly.

Livesbythewoods - would berries do,do you think?

Z - you are wonderful. I have quite nice, um, ears? Hardly a fair swap though.

RedShoes - no, honestly, it's been FINE. I'm sure I've had way worse birthday weeks. I'm just, you know, venting. I am a sympathy whore.

ptooie said...

Holy big bandage!
Take it easy as long as you can- that looks quite alarming and painful.
And I agree- you got 30 in 30, you done good. (It was hard for me to keep track anyway, being 6 or 7 hours behind you...)

Léonie said...

I know I'm a day late but oh God! Poor you!

I think the lady next door had invented a cat that could be disguised as a sponge and was trying to work out which branch of "the media" would be the most receptive to the idea.

Kate said...

Oh my goodness! I'm so sorry! Poor babe. Do feel better soon. Think the knee problem is related to those funny shoes?

take a dualipw and go to bed. (word verification of course)

Jaywalker said...

Ptooie - Hope Mrs Kennedy agrees. Dammit I WANT hand-tied fishing flies now.

Léonie - your theory is interesting, but where does the poison fit in? Could you expound a little more?

Kate - Oh god. Who knows. Maybe! I could just do with a dualipw.

Completely Alienne said...

Why should it be a fail - do you get a certificate for posting 30 times? Just keep up the good work, all we want to do is read 'em not count 'em!

Hope the knee is better soon - you got a lot of bandage there. I bet the NHS would not have been so generous.

peevish said...

I don't even know what to say, except I wish I could hand you a motherfucking cocktail RIGHT THROUGH THE INTERNETS. Wow, I thought I was pathetic with a text message to my best girlfriends complaining of boredom, loss of contact with the outside world (read NPR) at my mother-in-law's house, and having 2 menstrual cycles in November. But now I realize I need to shut the Hell up about it and worship at your Euro Altar of Suffering. I am kneeling down to pray for knee-shrinkage and freedom from pain for you, dear JW. Or at least another consolation morphine shot.

Jaywalker said...

I love the idea of my euro altar of suffering. I think that might make a good craft project.
a motherfucking cocktail through the internets. WHY is this not possible. It should be.

Mr F! I forgot to thank you for your knee hug. I am RUDE. Sorry.

CA - three whole rolls of bandage. tonight Lashes and Fingers are wearing one each, and we have one spare for emergencies. Marvellous.