My breasts are HUGE at the moment. No, I am not pregnant. It is a direct result of holiday overeating - basically each one is currently carrying six fondant fancies, twenty eight pizzas, five ginger shapes and a Yorkshire fat rascal:
Actually, come to think of it, they look like a pair of supersized fat rascals sitting on my chest. I don't have two nipple-esque glacé cherries and three almonds on each though. Not last time I looked, but with a rack like this constant vigilance is required to get through the day without accumulating varied foodstuffs in your cleavage.
They have spent the last few days spilling out of all my bras in a semi obscene fashion that would probably be really sexy if I wasn't short and grumpy and creased, with tiny squinty red eyes. They are wobbling masses of stodge. I am not sure what their plan is exactly (world domination? Their own tv channel? Forming an independent breakaway state on my chest?), but it does not involve being contained in a brassière. Mais non. Or in most of my 'thin' clothes (all of which should be consigned to Ebay, because they belong to a long distant era when dinosaurs roamed the earth and I had prominent clavicles, the outline of which will never be seen again).
And yes, I know some people would kill to gain weight on their tits. The CFO isn't particuarly complaining. Not me. I have always wanted a really flat chest and looked enviously at those bony little women who can wear absolutely anything without looking like Barbara Windsor. Like, shirts! I really really want to wear those minimalist Helmut Lang black shirts that architect chicks wear without bulging out and popping buttons and looking dishevelled and lumpy. T shirts too. I can't do t-shirts. Or most kinds of dresses, swimming costumes, etc etc. The list is endless. Although, objectively, I looked repulsive at my thinnest, and even I could see how horrid I looked naked, the novelty of having a flat chest was so amazing. I have a totally redundant collection of Paul & Joe, Agnes B and Ella Moss teeny tiny shirty blousey things that barely cover my back now. I tried one on this summer, optimistically, and it stopped somewhere around my armpits. Nice look.
So. I think I'm putting them on ebay.Well, putting something on ebay. I just haven't decided yet whether it should be the tits or the thin clothes. Any takers for either? Or should we run a competition?