Wednesday, 12 November 2008

The Belgian Waffle (secular) confessional

Good evening, and welcome to the Belgian Waffle (secular) confessional. I need to confess a few things and then I thought maybe you could confess a few things too (anonymously if you like), and I could forgive you and suggest suitable penance. It might be good for us. You know, spiritually. I need all the help I can get with my spiritual life being as how I don't have one. At all. Here goes.



Bless me internet for I have sinned. It has been 2 years and 6 months since my last confession (therapy session).


1. My phone has been out of battery for two weeks now and I can't face recharging it. This is however not as bad as this summer, when my out of office (which blocks voicemail) was on until mid October for a 2 week holiday at the beginning of July.


2. I have £1000 debt on my UK credit card that is my dirty secret. If the CFO knew he would have an aneurism. Also, I have not opened a bank statement or checked my balance for something like 6 years. Usually I throw them away without reading them. Despite this I am trying repeatedly to buy a 3.1 Philip Lim blouse I can't afford online. Sadly HSBC have other ideas - you weren't always so picky HSBC, were you, hmm? When you thrust ever higher credit limits in my financially irresponsible direction? This is how global financial apocalypse happens! Reap as ye shall sow. Or something.


3. In the evenings I am often too lazy to walk 3 metres to the bathroom (5 yards, imperial fans) to spit out after brushing my teeth, so I spit out into a mug by my bed. Bleeeugh.


4. When Lashes asked me who I loved most recently, him and Fingers or the CFO, I said him and Fingers. Oh, and, icing on the cake, not to tell his father. Niiiice.


5. I have just bought and eaten six pistachio and fleur de sel truffles all by myself. This is on top of a bag of peanut M&Ms, top half of two mini twixes, and piece of nougat. I seem to believe that normal rules of calorific intake/expenditure do not apply to me, and then I am surprised when I put on weight. Encouragingly, however, I am not itching to throw them all up again. This is progress of a sort. Either that, or my apathy has reached all new record breaking levels. This might be more likely than a mental health breakthrough.



6. I have lost my €480 annual tram pass but cannot face running the gauntlet of the STIB* (c'est comme l'Union Sovietique ici*! laugh the cheerful alcoholics who sit panhandling outside this delightful bureaucracy, as you queue up, hatchet faced and despairing, to deal with the impressively indifferent counter drones whose sole purpose is to obstruct you at every turn with kafkaesque demands) to replace it, so I am alternately fare dodging and buying €2 single tickets. It's tram roulette.

7. I cannot remember the last time I drank a glass of water. I rely on tea and coffee to provide all my moisture needs.


Ok. I've put my purple robe and my Prada shoes on. I'm ready. Get confessing. You can choose my penance too.





* I tried to link to the STIB to tell you what it is (public transport for Brussels) but I got the error message "bad gateway". Yes, yes indeed. Bad gateway. You took the words right out of my mouth.

** "It's like the Soviet Union here"

49 comments:

expateek said...

Oh oh. Penance. I got all excited. Guilt and me are like this (crosses fingers to demonstrate)...

But penance for YOU? Mmm. It's just too easy. So many choices.....

But I will pick ONE for you. You must plug in your phone. You will charge it for the full twelve hours, overnight as you sleep, and you will dream sweet dreams of apples and milk.

When you awaken you will delete all stored text messages.

All.

You will start anew with your phone.

That is all. Bless you, my child.

Welsh Girl said...

Bless you child of the internet, though you have sinned. You could have run up more than a £1000on the credit card before the big crunch and you didn't! You must buy the Philip Lim blouse with your tram fare money as penance....

I'm with you on the water thing though - no need for forgiveness there I think!

Now - to my sins (just today's I think or the list will be too long)

I spent £50 on Amazon and none of it was for christmas presents which is why I was browsing there in the first place.

I have just eaten two pieces of toast with butter and bramble jelly even though I am supposed to be on a diet.


Just before that I had another two pieces of the same. Mmmmmm. Delicious. I refuse to repent!

Anonymous said...

I have a sin list much like yours, but I am at least 20 years older so my credit rating, teeth,relationship with spouse and children,weight, loose lips, and hydration are even more beyond redemption. I also avoid conversations by pretending to talk on my uncharged phone and usually enjoy these conversations most.

Jaywalker said...

I accept my penance expateek. Looking for the charger. Gulp. No confessions for us?


Welsh girl - now your penance I REALLY like. Hmm. What about you? Pff, your sins are so trifling. I order you to tell whether your purchases were good once you've watched/read them. It's good for the crunch you know.

Anon #1 - I must try that. Twenty hail marys for you, bad bad lady.

Anonymous said...

I confess 1) although I bought brushes and a roller I did not paint my front porch this summer or fall. And now the weather’s too cold and I am simultaneously relieved and guilt stricken; 2) usually I make my husband call the other children’s parents when my child announces that they must have a playdate now; 3) I asked for a friend’s mailing address before her birthday and made a point of saying that I would send her something – and now it’s two weeks later. It’s the last one I feel the worst about, maybe I can make something out of paper here at work to send to her today.

I want to ask all sorts of therapist-y questions about the blouse you can’t afford. How do you expect it will make you feel to purchase the blouse? What pleasurable thing could you do instead of sneakily trying to buy it? But penance is easier: cut up a credit card and clean out your closet, donating unused things.

lisa in san diego said...

(1) i still sneak cigarettes (never when the kid is anywhere near me);
(2) the aforementioned kid still hasn't gotten her flu shot (but i got mine); and
(3) i can't remember the last time i had a piece of fruit -- but the maple donut i had for breakfast was deeee-licious.

expateek said...

mmmm. you caught me. very clever, you.

confessions? my office looks like your bedside table times twelvety-twelvish-elevensey-six. So imagine your table, but in a room 12 x 13, with 11 foot ceilings, stacked to the edges with books and tax returns from four countries and obsolete computer shite and pens that no longer write and dvds with photos on them that we don't know what they are and you can see I am starting to freak out just thinking about the magnitude and...

well.

need I say more??

need penance. give me one task. just guess at it.

I will repent and then DO.

xx

justme said...

Ohhhhhhh.....your sins are such LITTLE ones, you hardly need a penance at all! Although I was rather puzzled by the tooth brushing thing.....being as how in the bathroom is where most people already ARE when they brush their teeth. Aren't they? Anyone else do their teeth in different parts of the house?
And eating truffles CAN'T be a sin surely! Or ANY kind of chocolate...
As to your fluid intake, well, tea and coffee is innocent enough...it could be gin!
Penance........mmmmm....you must BUY the blouse, but then cut up the credit card till the balance is paid off! Or alternatively (I like to give people choices) post some pics of you in it on the internets for us to decide that its purchase was NOT a sin at all.
And you also have to tell the CFO that you love HIM best....but that he mustn't mention it to the children. Bless you my child!
As for me....my sins are many and varied. I mostly dont get into debt but I DO spend way too much money on things I dont need or even, sometimes like. I either dont remember to put my 'out of office' on at all, or else I leave it on for MONTHS. My phone is always charged, but I dont always answer it. I eat a LOT of chocolate. I drink way too much wine,much nicer than water, and consider it to be a fruit, one of my five a day......

Jaywalker said...

Anon #2 Wow, usually I have to pay for that kind of service! Um. Well, I want it because it is beautiful and will make me feel clever and smug. It will make me feel gleeful and guilty in equal measure. Yuk. Um, your penance is HARD. There are moths the size of dogs in there. I order you to make your friend a handcrafted item from stationery and send it on office time.


Lisa - ah well, you need the shot more than child, what with the smoking.. Your penance is to draw a picture of your lungs. Then smoke it.

Expateek - ha. You are to take a bin bag/recyling bag into your office, set yourself half an hour and throw out as many things as you can.

Wow! This is like cheap CBT! It could totally catch on!

Anonymous said...

Ah, so many confessions to make. I'll have to limit them:

1. I am waiting for my boyfriend to unblock the sink because it's just too disgusting for me.

2. I quite often have the urge to steal babies. This is next level broodiness.

3. I consume enough aspartame daily to give seven hippos cancer.

4. I really fancy Sean Paul. And a little bit my cousin.. I only just met him though! Don't consign me to hell!

Red Shoes said...

Your penance is to draw a picture of your lungs. Then smoke it.

HAHAHAHAHAHA!


Your package has just been mailed, Madame. Avec l'amour.

Sins are forthcoming but first I must make up for all of the procrastinating I have done today and actually earn my living.

Jaywalker said...

The Waffle Confessional is busy tonight. Next!

Justme - your sins are so minor that I think one Our Father will suffice. You may address it to the deity, or celebrity, of your choice. I brush my teeth LYING IN BED. Sometimes I ask the CFO to put the toothpaste on the brush when the day has been particularly hard.


Anon #3
Sin 1 - fine. One hail mary/angelina as you wish.
Sin 2 - I can't see someone wearing a fur coat without stroking it. Similar. As long as you don't act upon it, I don't think it's a sin. Any seminary students here that can confirm that?
Sin 3 - I order you to read some alarmist crap about aspartame, then ignore it.
Sin 4 - Not a sin at all. Continue perving, my child.

RedShoes - I await your confessions. As for packet, yippee! Yours is sittng on the radiator, which is, uh, not entirely helpful.

justme said...

Brushing teeth while lying in bed is worrying me.......am now wondering if you also have chamber pot under bed for...other...necessary for most people, visiting bathroom occasions?

Jaywalker said...

Justme - No. But if you are worrying about That Kind of Thing, please whatever you do, don't ask me about the first year in Oxford when the nearest loo was down 4 flights of draughty, slippery wooden stairs. Don't ask, I won't tell.

Persephone said...

1. I have been stealing chocolate out of my younger child's Hallowe'en stash, and even worse, out of the care package sent from my husband's office after his serious concussion and dislocated shoulder (after being knocked to the pavement by a cyclist).
2. I have been resenting the computer time taken up for my older daughter's homework and for my husband's obsessive viewing of The Sarah Jane Adventures (this obsession existed pre-concussion) because:
3. It eats into my surfing the Internet for photos and articles about David Tennant.

So why don't I feel better now? (My word verification is "stelubf" which, coincidentally, is precisely how I'm feeling these days...)

Kitschen Pink said...

You brush your teeth when you're tired? Only £1000 on the credit card?! You use public transport! You keep secrets with less than 10 people?!Give that girl a lollipop for being so good!!! t.x

La Belette Rouge said...

Where is the sin? I see no original sins here. As a matter of fact I have committed many of these sins myself. So, no, no penance. If I gave you some then I would have to accept some and I am just not doing it.
And, I am so with you with no water. Coffee only with occasional wine.

Red Shoes said...

1. I have a jug with an inch of apple juice covered in a thick green layer of mold in it sitting in my office for weeks. I look right at it but never throw it away.

2. I still haven't told my wife that I spent $45 on chocolates in San Francisco when she asked me specifically not to spend any money, what with we are sooo broke. Mmmm, they are mighty fine chocolates though. Really top notch.

3. I am a lesbian but I have a crush on a boy musician that causes naughty fantasies on a hm, maybe daily? basis.

4. I am terribly jealous of one of my best friends.. not because she has money, a beautiful new baby, or fabulous clothes... but because she can just make a business out of thin air.

5. My new client pays me good money to spend about 80% of my time piddling around the internets doing not much at all. I feel wretchedly guilty that I'm not working harder, and still... I don't work harder.

I'm ready for my penance. Also think this should be a weekly feature.

Jaywalker said...

Persephone - you don't feel better because I haven't punished you yet! Hmm; your husband is watching children's tv on line. Pre-concussion. I think you have been punished enough actually. Bless you my child.

KP - Oh, you are just too lovely. Lovely lovely. You would make a TERRIBLE priest.

Belette - I mean, there must me some moisture in there, right? It's definitely wet, isn't it.

Jaywalker said...

Oh dear, Red Shoes. You have been a bad girl, but at least you are repentant. Your penance is: one photo of the mould jug (it actually sounds oddly beautiful). AND you must rethink your decision not to have a blog. Because you could be wasting your client's money SO much more creatively that way (take it from one who knows...)

Regular feature, yes, I think we should. There's clearly a need.

P said...

I think that will land you on the second level of hell, which is way, way better than the seventh. Here are mine:

I poisoned my roommates ugly house plants with bleach until they died.

I hate our cats about 90% of the time. Fauxhawk has hidden the bleach, just in case.

KSV Woolfoot said...

You don't need forgiving for any of this - except maybe for that spitting toothpaste and everything it removed from your teeth and gums into the mug next to your bed. That's horrifying. Your penance, as I heard a TV preacher say once is to Stop Sinning! You can do this by brushing at the sink.

My confession: I have about 8 months pay racked upon my credit card. I still spend money on junk at auctions every couple of weeks and pretend to my husband that I come out aheard when I sell some of it on ebay.

When my kids (aged 7& 10) asked me yesterday which one of them I loved the most I told them I loved them equally (of course). When they persisted I asked them whether they loved me or their father more. they were silent. "See?" I said, "not a fair question." They sat, muddled, for another moment, then I added, "even though we all know you love me more than him." Then we all laughed.

katyboo1 said...

I think your penance should be that you have to pay for a beautiful sink and have it installed by the side of your bed along with an electric tooth paste dispenser so the CFO's arms don't get too tired.

My sins are many and varied and v. dull. I did buy a magazine today despite forswearing them. Then I realised it was very boring, only spent five minutes flicking through it and threw it straight in the recycling. What a waste considering I could have bought more haberdashing stuff with that money.

I regularly steal the childrens sweets and I borrow money off them and forget to give it back. I owe Tilly about eighty quid but I have owed it her for so long I can no longer even remember how much it truly is.

Oh! And I told Tallulah she was fucking annoying the other day. Not something you should say to a five year old.

undersundog said...

OOOOH, I secrets! I really want to know what your boss told you.

Jaywalker said...

P - Hmm. I like your sins; at least they are audacious. Sin 1 requires no penance. I approve. Sin 2, maybe you could try and incorporate the cats in some kind of photographic project to make them more appealing? Make them beards or something?

KSV - Hmm. I will try, but I will probably also fail. Does this mean I am not truly repentant? Probably.

Katyboo - you must send your magazines to me. Then you can feel the glow of virtue. Or perhaps you could embroider yourself a magazine cosy with your new supplies?

Undersundog - ha, and for this I love you. I just typed it out but thought better of compounding my sins in this way and deleted.

River said...

Ummm, point #3, do you not brush your teeth in the bathroom? Like other people? Handy for spitting out.....

Jaywalker said...

River - no. I go all floppy and lie on my bed. And then I can't get up again. Hence the problem/sin.

justme said...

See, its NOT just me that is bothered by the tooth brushing actions!

Jaywalker said...

I RINSE THE MUG IN THE MORNING. Honestly, you people.

Léonie said...

My penance for you is to create a sandwich board out of cut up credit cards, phone charger leads and other people's used toothbrushes (this might take a certain degree of innovation), write "I Am A Naughty Girl" on your forehead, procure a bell (possibly purchased on said credit card, pre-cutting) and walk around Brussels ringing the bell, sporting an exaggerated sad-face. You will soon feel better! There. Better. This is exactly like CBT!

My main sin is my secret credit card debt. I no longer use the card, but am paying £27 a month and will be for the rest of my sad life, probably. I have no way of paying this off. I also have not sent in stuff from the last job I did, and lied about it. I have done the work, but I hated being there so much that I cannot even bring myself to send the email, even though it bothers me every day. I haven't been to a dentist for years. Oh, and I eat massive amounts of cheese when nobody's looking.

I need a penance, please.

Léonie said...

P.S. I am not bothered by the toothbrush thing.

Jaywalker said...

Léonie - it is! It's self-help CBT. I feel just as hunted and sullen as when I did the real thing!


I love your penance. I will do it. I commit here, today, that my 'homework' is to make such an outfit. I do not promise to wear in in the streets of Brussels, but I will photograph myself and put it here.

Hmmm, you and I are a similar species of sinner I think. Do you want real CBT-styley penance or comic potential nonsense penance? I can do either..

Thank god you don't mind about the toothbrushing. BMF is uncertain whether he can speak to me again following this revelation.

Léonie said...

Um... both, please. Or is that too demanding?

Yeah, I think there is a certain type of "hide under a rock" sinner. It isn't badly-intentioned, it's just fear of the yawning void of real life. With cheese. Also it involves resentment of anyone who isn't this kind of sinner, which is loads of people, so that's loads of resentment.

BUT I am quite adept at pretending to be organised, which is why it is so difficult to come out and admit that, no, I am not. I am shit. With cheese.

Jaywalker said...

Ok Léonie - real penance, clearly you must send the stuff. Send it snail mail and back date it and rough the stamps up a bit. None the wiser.


Silly penance - Possibly you could slip a Kraft cheese slice or five in with the stuff you send? And write a song about cheese. And tell us it.

Anonymous said...

Other people's credit card debt makes me laugh. Try £16,000 people. Hahaha.

I tell you this less as a confession and more as a way to try and make you feel better. Honest.

Jaywalker said...

Anon#4 - It worked! But it might backfire and send me off to buy the blouse. Um, would you like us to help you rob a bank? I went to school with a bank robber, I know how it's done...

Alternatively, when the financial apocalypse takes a real hold, all debts will be wiped out by the winged horsemen of the apocalypse, I have it on good authority. So never mind, eh.

Léonie said...

Oh, I did it. I just sent it, and received a PING! email back. I considered not opening it and instead just looking up episodes of Charmed on youtube, but in the spirit of things I opened it and it said..."Thanks."

Right, I am off to write a song about cheese.

emily said...

oooh, im late!

Im giving no penance because a) i have doent he toothbrush thing myself - bad habit of wandering round whilst i brush teeth, so bad habit of spitting wherever i am... although the boy has brought me round to his thinking of doing it in the shower! weee...
also b) everyone else gave you good poenance... i would have said not to buy the blouse and to tell the CFO....mainly because guilt makes me feel really cisk and uncomfortable :(

Ok sins...

1) i havnt filled in the form to start paying back my student loan... the londer i leave it the more the interest becomes... but im basically lazy. If i hide mayvbe it will go away? I luckily dont have a credit card, due to forgetting, yes FORGETTING about my bank account which had a student overdraft and them chasing me through debt collectors and things... hmmm the shame is pretty bad for that one actually.

2) i have got halfway through wrapping the present i have bought for christmas and now cannot be bothered to do any more... im bored!

3) I spend oodles of time at work looking bust whilst reading blogs and trying not to smile, since clearly nothign wokr related would make me smile

4) i ma trying and failing to diet... and had a really lucious three course meal last night, with lots of cheese and things

Oh and on a side note - is it really bad that i just received an email at work from a friend of vegetable "art" and "sculpture" and immediately made a note to find your email addresss to send it to you int he hopes you might giggle and/or post it?! lol

emily said...

seriously - i apologise for the shocking state of my spelling in the previous post - i can type/spell etc, honest - just rushing at work :(

Jaywalker said...

It's never too late for contrition my child (Emily).
1. Forgiven.
2. Wrap it in old newspaper. Nigella says so, so it must be true.
3. Hahahahah where do you think I am running this confessional from, hmm? Forgiven
4. I would like you to reassess whether you REALLY need to be on a diet. Diets are the spawn of satan. I am the pope, so I KNOW.

Three hail marys/angelinas.

I think Zoe, my friendly neighbourhood assassin, sent me that veg email. It was awesome.

Completely Alienne said...

I seem to be coming to this a bit late (see reason below).

At least you brush your teeth. I have to admit that if I am really knackered I don't bother (NB this is actually a very rare occurence btw). But then, I have no one to go and get my toothbrush for me.

None of your sins sound very bad to me; I think you are just normal, and I cannot see any need for penance.

Most of my 'sins' have already been listed by others, mainly the lack of water (coffee and wine taste so much nicer) and the failed diets. I blame the manufacturers of kit kat and my teenagers - if they drive me to distraction, is it really my fault if I then eat all the chocolate cakes I bought to go with their sandwiches for school?

Otherwise, I have to confess to not having sorted out the pig photo. This is Attila's fault; I could not prise her off the computer last night (some rubbish about homework, though MSN messenger was clearly open on the screen) and when I asked about scanning in the picture she looked at me contemptuously and said 'don't you know anything'! I will have a go at taking a photo tonight (I can put them on) and if that does not work will try and work out how to use the scanner from the instruction book. Wish me luck. If I need a penance, that ought to be enough, surely.

Oooh! My wv is looggle - aimlessly gawping at blogs all night long perhaps.

justme said...

Please to explain what CBT is???

expateek said...

Ok, I'm doing my penance now. Photos to show the state of sinfulness are over at mine, so come see.

I'll post the "after" in a couple of hours, or about the time I go for a double tot of Scotch.

This should definitely be a weekly feature. Fridays are good for confessions, non?

pochyemu said...

My secrets seem downright sinister compared to the ones I've been reading here. I have loads of slovenly, gross secrets but these are more interesting:

1. I've been telling everyone I voted for Obama. In reality, I couldn't figure out how to order my absentee ballot and was too lazy to follow it up...and so missed the cutoff date.

2. Part of my massive student loan this year (now a cool $90,000 + $4000 in credit card debt!) is going to be used to do the Transsiberian Railway with my friends after graduating.

3. I told everyone that I'm applying for a masters program in London b/c the job market is slowing down. The real reasons are that a. I've been in uni for 6 years and I'm afraid to go out into the real world, and b. No one in my family has ever gotten a masters degree and I want them to think I'm very clever.

4. I'm insanely jealous of my brother & sister in law for their big house (as previously discussed), company-car Audis, well conducted business deals (now about to be part owners in 2 pubs), impending first baby (7 1/2 months pregnant), seemingly perfect relationship (it really is gross) and earning power. It eats me up!

5. I feel guilty that my husband knows I'm still in love with a high school friend, whom I've been in love with for 7 years now. My husband told me if he dies I should marry that friend. Isn't that awful??

6. I normally hate my dog, even though I begged to be allowed a dog for YEARS. He's just so hairy and smelly, I can't deal with it!

Jaywalker said...

Oh, Pochyemu. Yours are the BEST. I think I love you. Everyone else is just hiding all their really dirty ones. Your penance is to come to Belgium on a "research" trip and play with me.

bonnie-ann black said...

you know, this is the confessional of my dreams... non-religious, but still plenty of guilt-inducing "sins".

bless me priestesses of the internet, for i have sinned.

1) i cooked a huge chicken dinner two weeks ago, it took me an entire week to wash the dishes and the pots, and have still not finished washing the silverware (i *HATE* washing silverware);

2) i am supposed to be finishing my book *right now* so i can fulfill my grant obligations -- but it is not finished;

3) i am at work, wasting the company's time by doing soul-saving web surfing;

4) i hate the word diet, refuse to consider dieting and get nearly physically violent when i hear the words "low carb";

5) oh... too many other things to really bring up here; but one of the major ones intersects with persophone -- i think and dream and fantasize (in *that* way) about David Tennant way more than is healthy for a woman of my advanced years.

punish me as thou deemest appropriate.

ooh. my word is "quily"... comes close to "guilty" doesn't it?

pochyemu said...

CAN I come to Belgium someday? I promise I'll be very good and not weird or creepy at all, so you totally wouldn't regret it. I'm very shy but that's just so people don't see how weird I really am.

I'll bring the children chocolates and a 'Tortoises of the World' guide for the CFO and I'll go shopping and make politician cakes with you!

Jaywalker said...

Bonnie-ann - I fear David Tennant giving up as Doctor Who is probably penance enough.

Justme - CBT is cognitive behavioural therapy. It's basically like this but a bit less fun.

Pochyemu - hell, yes. Anytime. Bring your beard! And your capybara net.

bonnie-ann black said...

you are so right, jaywalker... there has been much weeping and wailing and gnashing of teeth and rending of garments over that news.

i'd rather have been sentenced to walk on my knees up some thorny or cobblestoned way...

but i'll take my punishment like a ... sobby, whiney baby, i guess.