Monday, 27 October 2008

Why am I suprised?

Can't blog. Children attached to every part of me, swinging off my arms and farting on my head and demanding I repair things that require an MSc and a giant tool kit and leaving black felt tip pens lidless on taupe sofas.

I had this rosy vision of how this half term visit to England would go. This was, of course, my first mistake. Anyway. The vision went something like: remind eager ruddy cheeked boys of their favourite infant haunts, enjoy the magnificent free museums, catch up with old friends and meet new ones over civilised pots of proper tea and sponge cake, experience the wonder of wintry London. Find the odd hour to go and buy paperbacks and Fresh cosmetics and decent yoghurt, blah blah. I am not sure what drugs I was on when I conjured up this idyll but I really wish they had not run out. I seem to have spent the last 72 hours in a state of fuddled exhaustion, ceding to my children's increasingly ridiculous demands, whilst going to the exact same places as the entire population of Europe. The horror, the horror of half term London is vampirically sucking every last drop of my brain out through my nostrils, whilst emptying my wallet and leaving only a trail of broken plastic behind.

I think this morning has finally finished off my happy illusions and also my will to live. Suffice to say that at one point we had to hide in the geology department of the Natural History Museum while I hyperventilated and even THAT was packed to the gills with knowledge thirsty families having jolly debates about sedimentation. I quite liked the bit where we sat on the steps of the Science Museum shop in the middle of a swirling mass of consumption, while Fingers wailed at the lack of replacement Wall-E parts and I tried to construct a 40 piece skeleton pterodactyl and Lashes vanished. Fingers and I have watched Lashes' back speed away from us on a random trajectory at a million miles an hour so many times that Fingers remarked we should call him Sonic the Hedgehog. That I still have Sonic in my custodianship at all this afternoon is a testament only to the power my wallet exercises over him. Soon I will have to resort to laying a trail of five pound notes back to the house if I ever wish to see him again. And also, the Rainforest Cafe. Just, the Rainforest Cafe. If Dante had been to the Rainforest Cafe, the Divine Comedy would look veeeerry different, and with many more animatronic snakes, cheerful youths mussing your hair with crocodile hand puppets and hour long waits for chips and the once in a lifetime opportunity to bleed more money through your nose to the sound of robotic cicadas.

There is a horrible silence downstairs where I have corralled the spawn on pain of "a long trip to a shop where they sell nothing but bowls" (as IF I could carry through). The last time that happened they were smearing chocolate pumpkin novelties over a cream cushion. I had better go and wave fifty pound notes in front of their jaded faces.

Tomorrow, York. I'd say it can only be an improvement, but I have learned my lesson and will not be tempting fate so blithely again.

15 comments:

Lulu LaBonne said...

Good God Jaywalker - the rainforest cafe would've left me faint on the floor for the millipedes to carry off. I hope York is more fun

Persephone said...

But the virtual tour of the Rainforest Cafe seems so peaceful --- all those colourful tables, with the crickets singing...
Oh. That's only when it's not full of hyped-up kids hurling food?

Got my prizes in the mail today! So exciting to hold a note written by your own fair hand! (Or is that a creepy sentiment?) Thanks ever so!

nappy valley girl said...

Museums, small children and half term? and you thought it was going to be a civilised combination?

I once went to the Rainforest cafe for a press launch about 10 years ago (I think it was for some dreadful hairgel ad that had gorillas in it). It was so glarinly awful that I remember thinking ' if I have kids, I am never, ever bringing them here...' and sure enough, I never have.

Jaywalker said...

NVG - for some reason I thought it wasn't half term in this country. I am stupid, but will never be so stupid again.

Persephone - yay! It arrived. Miracle, frankly.

Lulu - I wish I had fainted, it would have been way more fun. My ambitions for York are way more limited.

Daisy said...

I'm so ignorant, I would never have believed there were so many parents taking their children to such educational places- maybe the country isn't going down the tubes after all? Apart from the Rainforest Cafe. That sounds like hell.

Kitschen Pink said...

We did all our fave stuff last week before main school's out! It's the only way to enjoy it! Strongly suggest a day of back to back DVD's and chocolates- for purely medicinal reasons of course! t.x

Léonie said...

The Rainforest Café should be extinct.

I hope the Viking Museum is kinder to you. You could get one of those Viking helmets and tie a child to each horn, therefore ensuring that they do not run off and be scampy.

Jaywalker said...

Leonie - Genius! And if they are really bad I will take them to see the moth eaten stuffed horse at the Castle Museum. It used to make me cry.

Welsh Girl said...

It sounds like life is giving you more than your fair share of hassle. So, in the hope of making you feel better, and of giving you something to do that is totally free, I have tagged you! Hope you don't mind.

Now, when you are in York, consider taking Lashes and fingers to york racecourse and asking them how fast they could run around the track. That should tire them out....

Potty Mummy said...

It's grim up North. Take firewood. (Just kidding, obviously, to all of those who live up there...). And you're not wrong about half term; some schools did have it last week. So the hell actually goes on in central London for 2 weeks, not one... Fabulous!

katyboo1 said...

Take solace in Betty's Tearoom. No gorilla's leap out at you and you can eat Fat Rascals and other delights.

Jaywalker said...

WG - ooh yes please. I am quite behind on tags but this one looks easy. I might give it a York theme.

PM - but that's so wrong! 2 weeks. Shudder shudder.

Katyboo - A Saturday job in Bettys was the ultimate status symbol when I was growing up here, and part of the stringent training was learning how to describe the fat rascal, viz
"It's a cross between a scone and a rock bun and we serve it warm with butter and jam".

See? That's training.

Mr Farty said...

I've never been to the Rainforest Caff, and now I know to avoid it, so thanks for the heads-up. Museums are great though.

Good luck with Old York!

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