(Professor Jaywalker Beard, October 2008)
Synopsis: This paper seeks to identify and categorise the range of immediate (defined as within 180 seconds of log on) responses to maternal and co-habitant internet usage among respondents in the 4 - 39 age group. The sample group is composed of three caucasian males, F, L, and C. Behaviour was observed over a period of 6 months.
Conclusion: Response patterns show striking similarity to previous study sets (Primary carer sits down at piano - Response mapping patterns, Beard et Chinwhisker 2008 Journal of Insular Research ; Adults seek to discuss topics of moderate to high importance Beard, Sideburn et Toupée 2007, Oxford Review of Banal Observations).
Response category 1: "Self-destruct"
Respondent F takes extension cable and places it in his mouth. Removing cable from mouth, he moistens fingers and stretches them towards socket.
Respondent L returns from kitchen with paring knife, kitchen shears and a Kitchenaid chopper attachment between front teeth.
Respondents L and F joust with sharpened metal skewers in their socks on wooden floor.Response category 2: "Mutually assured destruction"
Respondent L repeatedly refers to Respondent F as "minus poo poo caca bébé". Respondent F retaliates with an elbow to Respondent L's solar plexus. Both Respondents fall to floor in flailing heap.
Respondent L chews pellets of paper and disgards in Respondent C's slippers. Respondent C responds with extensive aural assault (see response category 3). Respondent F dances gleefully drawing retaliatory action from both L and C.
Response category 3: "Aural assault"
Transcript of a sample of Respondent L's speech sequences:
Maman look; maman look you aren't looking, MAMAN look at this maman maman what is your favourite Pokémon, maman, you aren't listening, maman Fingers is leaning on me he stuck his finger in my eye he wiped his nose on my sock my snot tastes good can I have a pony can I have a Nintendo can I have a circular saw he started it maman maman why do ladies not have zizis, where is my bee tiger maman maman what is death maman I am hungry maman but why why why maman maman look maman look at me talk to me maman maman
Transcript of a sample of Respondent F's speech sequences:
EeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeehAIIIIEEEEEEEEAIEEEEEEEEWAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAA no he did it he started it eeeeeeeeeeeeeaaaaaaaaaaaaiiiiiiiiieeeeeee can I play cbeebies games why not why not why not aaaaaa nononononononono not Fingers I am Rocket the parrot aeeeee maman maman maman maman maman aieeeeeee
Transcript of a sample of Respondent C's speech sequences:
We must transfer this money to my secret underground cave we must deal with these bills we must tidy the hall table why is there playdoh in my shoe if we don't book the train we are doomed have you transferred the money have you phoned the phone people what do you think of peanut futures what do you think about buying venezuelan zlotys what do you think of coating the tortoises in gold leaf why are the children so bad ARE YOU LISTENING TO ME AT ALL?
Response category 4: "Physical assault"
Response category 5: "Shock and smear"
Respondents F and L source a range of foodstuffs on the granular, liquid and staining spectrum. They carry around in a range of precarious vessels unsuited to food transport.
Respondent L conceals playdoh sausages on a range of soft furnishings. Respondent F coats curtains in black poster paint. Both L and F fill pencil case with red glitter glue and place internet user's keys and credit card in glue-filled receptacle.
Professor Beard's full study is available on request from the Journal of Advanced Study of My Boring Life (subscription only).