So instead, to celebrate, nous allons danser "le Tecktonik"with notre professeur, DJ Lashes! L'other professeur MC Fingers était asleep.
You know how French people are, like, thirty years behind with dancing? So, in the 80s and 90s it was all 'le rock n' roll', 'ze jive' and 'le tweeest'? Now, they seem to have reached the acid house years, with hilariously inept "dance" craze, le tecktonik which is raging across France and Belgium. You need to be skinny, and po-faced, and have elaborately gelled and coiffed hair, and you need a sort of studded belt to keep your low slung trousers up. As for the actual dancing, a child could do it. No, really. Look! Watch and learn.
DJ Lashes' management would like to emphasise that those curtains were NOT part of his rider. They were hand made by his Mamie and look like crap. Is this World of Interiors? Not it is not. We are in la discothèque! Il fait very dark.
Strike a pose. Look serious! It's not funny. We aren't here to have fun. Nous allons danser. Mais oui.
Move your arms jerkily! Moving your body is optional - le DJ Lashes is of the static school. Whatever you do, don't smile.
Move them again. Twistily. If your wrists are double jointed all the better.
Steps 4 and 5
Ok, pay attention because this is the important bit. Put your arms together at the elbows and them sort of whirl them around your head in circles. What do you mean it looks rubbish? Mais on s'en fout! C'est le techtonik!
Euuh, do it again? Allez, les filles! Encore une fois!
Crack the very slightest of smiles. The crowd go wild!
Finish avec style! Yeah!
Le DJ Lashes has left the building. His mother is picking Playdoh off her socks. Rock n roll.
*Lovely people who have shown concern at my impending financial ruin, there is a good chance of either some freelance, or a much reduced part time type thing. If either is on offer I promise to bite the euromasters' hands off.