Friday, 3 October 2008

Ninja housecoat

I promise the internet mealworms, the internet gets mealworms. Just, not this very second because now that the internet is fixed, the computer has died. I am hopeful of getting it done today somehow, but in the meantime, think of this as a taster.

Last night the children where pretending to be baby parrots on the way home from school. No, I don't know why; it had been going on all day. Whatever. Anyway, Fingers was crouched in one door way, and Lashes in another, cheeping for worms, while I flapped my 'wings' and pretended to regurgitate food for them, when a tiny toothless fury of a woman came raging down the street shrieking at me incomprehensibly. Not even in phlegmish. In "mad".
"Fuck your father!" she said "Paedophiles! Floor! Gypsies! Children! Albert!"

And then she tried to kick me in the head with a ninja karate kick. She was probably in her mid sixties, just shy of five feet and wearing a flowered housecoat. I swear this is all true.

The thing is, she was so small, and rage-filled and toothless, I just couldn't stop laughing, which made her crosser and crosser. The children were quite awed by her though. For several hours thereafter Lashes kept saying "Les dames ne font pas ça!" (ladies don't do that). Clearly she had messed with his vision of femininity. Possibly no bad thing.

There is no point to this story. Sorry. Except, perhaps, if you are going to be a crazy street person, you might as well go the whole hog and be as crazy as she was. Floor!


Léonie said...

Ah HA that was me in a cunning disguise.

No, actually it wasn't. But there was a lady like that in Paris who stalked around the Metro screaming insanely and doing ninja kicks. I can't remember whether she wore a housecoat because I just ran away whenever I saw her.

I think your sons have learnt a valuable lesson. Ladies are, above all things, completely unpredictable.

Fat Controller said...


This is just the sort of off-the-wall post that moved me to link to this blog!!!

emily said...

tha is truely some quality crazy spotting!
Officially the most amusing thing iv read/heard about today - the forwarding business is as tedious as your office, but more fraught..
i do however think i love your children.... :)

justme said...

I am speechless! And particularly impressed by the kicks.....

Leatherdykeuk said...

I want to be a 60+ ninja old lady!

peevish said...

Something about the juxtaposition of this post and your newish brilliant profile pic just got my day off to a perfect start.

Maybe you and your boys don't, but I hope the madwoman returns. I'd like her to become a regular feature in your blog. So if she stays away, could you just make something up? Please?

Daisy Daily said...

Omg this is classic. Was she speaking French or English? I wish there was photo evidence;even the word housecoat is hilarious!

nappy valley girl said...

Do you think she was just having a bad day? Wouldn't it be nice if we could all let rip like that. Albert!

Persephone said...

She was probably just jealous. You were out-crazying her on her beat. How dare you!

Red Shoes said...

I flapped my 'wings' and pretended to regurgitate food for them

For me, this is the best part of the story. Oh, so super fantastic.

Jaywalker said...

Léonie - yes, that was my spin on it. An important life lesson indeed.

Thank you Fat Controller. I can't access your blog at work because you are barred by our firewall on the grounds of decency. I have to admire that in a man.

Hi Emily - long time no comment! They are still being baby parrots three days later, and Fingers only answers to 'baby parrot' and not his name.

Leatherdyeperson - it's something to aspire to, no? Better than wearing purple.

Peevish - it's not the first time I had seen her, though it is the first time I have attracted her ire. Now I've appeared on her radar, I fear there may well be repeated performances.

Daisy - it was mainly in French, except 'fuck your father'. Belgium is SO multicultural.

NVG - um, no. I hope not.

Red Shoes - do you think, possibly, I was bringing it on myself? I fear so.

Fat Controller said...

Blocked! YESSSS!