My poor handbag. It's a nice handbag, really it is. Look:
Cute no? Not too tape à l'oeil, but just chic enough. A grown up handbag. In a rare moment of harmony, the CFO and I chose it together. He benchmarked, I stroked, we were in agreement over the bag. But oh, once you open it, it all gets very nasty indeed. When it was sitting in the handbag department of Le Bon Marché I bet noone warned it how things might end up. It really drew the short straw - instead of 20 Gauloises blondes, a Chanel 'Salope' lipstick and a discreet vibrator, it has to carry dirty socks and pants, crumbs, soil, chocolate squares, snotty tissues, extruded plastic crap from Macdonalds, sand, and many, many escaped Nurofen.
The strangest things I have ever found in my handbag:
1. Cheese rind (I don't eat cheese. I have NO idea where it came from)
2. A cordless phone (not so much bad, just, what the fuck? Home phone, in my handbag?)
This is Absolutely True. I guarantee it. We had been off feeding monkeys live mealworms at a wildlife park the previous day, in and of itself an astounding proof of maternal love, because UGH. Live maggotty things, squirming on my palm. Excuse me while I dry retch a couple of times.. Better now. Anyway, the next day, ferretting around for a euro for my morning coffee, I came up with several dessicated mealworms. The man at Exki, who is possibly my favourite person in all Brussels, was impressively stoic. God, I really love that man.
Things I never find in my handbag:
My keys (indeed last weekend I had to get into the house through the coal hole, like a Victorian street urchin)
My wallet (cursed thing)
My annual tram pass (this mythical object is in my hands for about 3 days a year - the soviet style queues to replace it mean I play 'ticket inspector roulette' pretty much every day. The odds are in my favour - in over two years I have been checked once. This kind of minor rebellion is how you get your kicks when you are eurodrone/lawyer/mother/dullard. Fare dodging is the new shoplifting, you know)
Shall we take a closer look? This will probably take us waaaay over the line that separates 'mildly amusing' from 'repulsive', but it won't be the first time, will it. Think carefully before you scroll. And remember, safety first! I recommend protective clothing. Our forensic technician here is wearing an infection control dinosaur mask, and protective gloves.
Empty the bag. Watch out for splash back.
What do you mean, there are no tortoises in your handbag? Or is this some of those frizzled leeks that used to come on top of piled up food a certain kind of restaurant circa 1998?
Make boredom a thing of the past with our 'amuse yourself in meetings' kit. Brush the car. Toss the Pokemon coin. Race the dinosaur. Stick them all up your nose.
Chanel powder compact in shade #4 "leaf mulch":
What's that behind the compact, you say? Apparently it is "a tongue" according to Lashes. Repulsed yet?
Be prepared for any food or creative emergencies with our handy broken fork/stick/straw/felt pen/tiny clothes peg kit!
Or try Kit 2 - broken fork, Compeed and plastic watch. Jack Bauer could kill a man with that, you know.