This week, internet, Gwyneth has turned to a range of spiritual advisers to assist her with the following question:
"I have a friend who sees the world in a pessimistic light. This person is highly suspicious of people and situations, and sees, as well as experiences, negativity at most turns. Why is this and what does it mean? What can be done to help someone of this nature?"
Ooh! It's like one of those 'blind' items in gossip mags! Who could she possibly mean? Her muesli knitting husband? Madge, Stella? Posh? P Diddy? My money is on Stella. Has anyone ever seen that woman smile? No. They have not. A childhood of veggie burgers and Wings will do that to a girl.
Sadly, my defamatory musings were killed stone dead by the next ten paragraphs of god awful aura weaving tosh from Gwyneth's gurus.
Deepak Chopra, eastern philosophy media whore to the stars opines as follows (I paraphrase):
"Imagine your friend is a rusty old steamship. You are on the top deck, wearing immaculately styled pieces from the Chloé cruise collection. Steer her into more fabulous waters with your tiny but toned arms!"
Next, with wearying inevitability, comes a Kabbalah mystic. It is frankly too tiresome to even satirise. He does a great job himself:
"There is an exchange of energy when we judge someone. Kabbalah explains that focusing on someone's negativity actually brings that energy into our lives!"
After that, an episcopalian and visiting teacher at the Contemplation Society, then a Sufi, then a psychologist, all of them basically saying "sadly, Gwyneth, not everyone is as radiantly beautiful on the inside as well as the outside as you are. Pity them".
Can, perhaps, any of us add some alternative advice for poor Gwyneth, assailed by negativity?
The bit that left BMF and I in a hopeless heap on our respective floors was the trailer for the next week (coming after this spirituality shmaltzathon) "we'll be enticing you to MAKE some utterly delicious vegan pancakes!". Be still my beating heart and stock up on the soya curds.
Now, let's have an obscene photo of Makka Pakka. This is what happens when you put his head on backwards.
*Yup, Lost in Showbiz is already on the case. Hadley - I was there first beeyatch.