Friday, 17 October 2008

Goop

If there was ever any risk of going short of material today (there wasn't), Gwyneth Paltrow has graciously stepped in to the breach with an email from her new web venture, Goop (slogan "nourish the inner aspect"). I nearly had some kind of a rupture laughing at it. I suspect I will not be the only person in the blogosphere snarking gleefully at this, because it is just begging and pleading to be ridiculed*. The idea is that each week, Gwyneth will share some of the pearls of spiritual, culinary, travel, beauty or fashion 'wisdom' she has gleaned on her 'journey'. I do urge you in the strongest terms to sign up for Gywneth's newsletters so we can make this a regular feature.


This week, internet, Gwyneth has turned to a range of spiritual advisers to assist her with the following question:



"I have a friend who sees the world in a pessimistic light. This person is highly suspicious of people and situations, and sees, as well as experiences, negativity at most turns. Why is this and what does it mean? What can be done to help someone of this nature?"


Ooh! It's like one of those 'blind' items in gossip mags! Who could she possibly mean? Her muesli knitting husband? Madge, Stella? Posh? P Diddy? My money is on Stella. Has anyone ever seen that woman smile? No. They have not. A childhood of veggie burgers and Wings will do that to a girl.


Sadly, my defamatory musings were killed stone dead by the next ten paragraphs of god awful aura weaving tosh from Gwyneth's gurus.




Deepak Chopra, eastern philosophy media whore to the stars opines as follows (I paraphrase):



"Imagine your friend is a rusty old steamship. You are on the top deck, wearing immaculately styled pieces from the ChloƩ cruise collection. Steer her into more fabulous waters with your tiny but toned arms!"



Next, with wearying inevitability, comes a Kabbalah mystic. It is frankly too tiresome to even satirise. He does a great job himself:



"There is an exchange of energy when we judge someone. Kabbalah explains that focusing on someone's negativity actually brings that energy into our lives!"



After that, an episcopalian and visiting teacher at the Contemplation Society, then a Sufi, then a psychologist, all of them basically saying "sadly, Gwyneth, not everyone is as radiantly beautiful on the inside as well as the outside as you are. Pity them".



Can, perhaps, any of us add some alternative advice for poor Gwyneth, assailed by negativity?



The bit that left BMF and I in a hopeless heap on our respective floors was the trailer for the next week (coming after this spirituality shmaltzathon) "we'll be enticing you to MAKE some utterly delicious vegan pancakes!". Be still my beating heart and stock up on the soya curds.




Now, let's have an obscene photo of Makka Pakka. This is what happens when you put his head on backwards.


*Yup, Lost in Showbiz is already on the case. Hadley - I was there first beeyatch.

22 comments:

katyboo1 said...

Let's airlift Gwyneth into Belgium and turn her loose in the streets to hawk her Vegan pancakes. Given the reverence which Belgians pay to their frankly delicious pancake/waffles, they will undoubtedly chase her through the streets in a frenzy of hatred, beating her to the ground with lumps of soya and force feeding her waffles until her skin breaks out in unsightly sores.

Try and maintain some inner calm now you tofu eating puritan.

Well, that's what I say anyway.

Jaywalker said...

Yes! Your vision is quite perfect Katyboo. How can we arrange this?
Had you noticed it is possible to do this to Makka Pakka? Bet Oscar would love that under his bed.

P said...

I laughed so hard at your post I almost spat out my vegan soy latte.

I couldn't bring myself to sign up, as she seems hellbent on product placement, religious fanaticism, and culinary terrorism. Now I see that I should join the counter terrorist movement like all the good folks in Belgium.

Jaywalker said...

P - You have to. YOU HAVE TO. The larks we shall have at her expense! I can barely wait for next week's installment!
I am working from home today JUST TO LOOK AT THE BABY HIPPO. So there.

katyboo1 said...

I did not know this about Makka Pakka's anatomy. I must rush out and purchase one to ensure my child grows up with a penis fetish and OCD manifested by washing things and sleeping with stones. It seems only fair. It is his birthday.

As for kidnapping Gwyneth I'm in two minds:

Trail of Quorn to waiting helicopter and bag over head.

Dressing up as Jehovah or Deepak Chopra and sending spiritual messages to comply and come for a lovely trip to heaven in my shiny plane.

Jaywalker said...

But I like both! can't we do both? 'Buddah says you must follow this trail of hemp seeds'.

Makka Pakka is sitting next to me exposing his genitals as I type. He is very soothing company.

justme said...

I had to google makka pakka........duh! Clearly I have been missing out. And you have made him wonderfully obsecene. Well done!
As to Gwyneth......words fail me.

nappy valley girl said...

Does Makka Pakka also come in a blow up doll version? (I guess you'd know).

I think Gwynnie is talking about her husband. I love Coldplay's music but have you ever listened to the lyrics? Can't he ever be happy about anything? Shoot me now.

Pearl said...

As long as there are celebrities -- particularly those who, as the saying goes, were born on third base and think they hit a homerun -- there will be this gleefully self-indulgent tripe.

Next, Gwyneth has hints on what to name your children!

Pearl

La Belette Rouge said...

Gwyneth is trying to take Oprah's job. I winder if Oprah knows about this. This could get ugly. Oprah will not let anyone else take her job as being the omniscient guide to improving all people who are less fabulous than her.

Jaywalker said...

Gywnnie vs Oprah could be fun! Celebrity death match. Yes.

Jaywalker said...

NVG - there should be. there so should be.

Pearl - Yes! isn't it magnificent! People with unlimited funds and no sense of irony for us to mock. Aren't we lucky?

bonnie-ann black said...

oh my god! and on the opposite side of the gender, you must check out the wit and wisdom (!) of matthew mcconnaughey -- who has always given me the creeps:

http://www.matthewmcconaughey.com/

but who i now find hilarious -- and not in a good way.

bonnie-ann black said...

i have to say, makka pakka and friends leave barney and crew in the dusty-wusty when it comes to making with the weirdy-weirdo... i'm so glad my nephews are grown now, already smoking, drinking and snarking their way through adulthood... bless early sesame street, animaniacs and freakazoid... i don't think i could survive their childhood if i had to watch In the Night Garden with them.

Jaywalker said...

Bonnie Ann - a dubious gift, sending me matthew mcconnaughey's website. He is indeed, spectacularly full of shit. Creepy.

Mr Farty said...

I had to google Deepak Chopra, as I thought a Jedi Master from Star Wars he was. Is an Indian American the same thing as an American Indian?

SUEB0B said...

I think I can skip the sign up for GOOP (goop? REALLY, Gwyneth? I would think her blog would be called something like "Notes Jotted While Resting on Frette Linens") as long as you promise to excerpt them for us. You can spot all the good parts.

The obscene makka pakka was the perfect antidote. Now if I just had a belgian pancake the size of my head.

Jaywalker said...

Mr F- Who knows? Which is more fabulous? That's what Gwynnie needs to know.


I know SueBOb. Just think of the months of focus groups and brainstorming that went into creating something that manages to sound like nuclear slime. It fills my heart with joy.

Red Shoes said...

Wow. I signed up. Against my better judgment. Only because I trust Jaywalker unreservedly. Oh dear, oh dear.

Jaywalker said...

Yay! Red Shoes! The larks we shall have at her expense. You won't regret it, I promise.

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