Tuesday, 21 October 2008

Fugly shoes messing with my love life

You remember the fugly shoes? No? Need a reminder? Hope you're sitting down..

I thought I'd try to make them cuter with eyes. Bit Marc Jacobs, you know.

Nah, didn't work, did it.

Poor fugly shoes. They have a hard life in my house. The cute shoes are always ganging up on them, flushing their head down the toilet and stealing their dinner money. Peer pressure is a cruel thing isn't it? And the 'in' shoes are merciless. Mean, mean girl shoes!

And as if that wasn't bad enough, I am now doing my best to blame our underwhelming, ahem, intimate life recently on them. They are profoundly unerotic, I think we can agree. They make my legs look like giant lumpen sausages. They make me walk like a duck in wellingtons and fall over even more often than I usually do. They are really, really heinously ugly. They may be combatting my cellulite (debatable), but cellulite is probably preferable, from an erotic standpoint to this footwear.

Might I, conceivably, be being a little unfair? If I am brutally honest the erotic temperature round here is rarely unbearably, electrically scorching. Not only did the CFO and I meet when I was nineteen but I'm a fantastically uptight, repressed English person. Yes, we really exist. It's a reaction against my progressive upbringing I think. Poor, poor CFO. Fifteen years of this. The man deserves an affair. Several, even. With gangs of incredibly nubile twenty year old Swedish girls.

But seriously, how could any relationship keep its spark when I heard myself saying the following as I got ready for bed last night:

"Help! Jesus, help me! My Compeed is stuck to my pop sock! Fuuuuck!"


Pop sock

(This was the best pop sock picture I could find though let me say mine are NOT flesh coloured. I have some limits. I find it unfeasibly amusing.)

Fugly shoes - this is your fault.

Oh, and while we are on the ratings boosting topic of HOT TORTOISE SEX, I have a subscription to Bust magazine. It was a consolation gift from sadly missed Czech colleague, who has gone to New York, leaving me to maintain the Tedium Files on my own. He and his fantastically cool artist wife are off doing cool and amazing things and I am still researching seamless steel tubes. But! They got me this subscription to Bust, hipster magazine for fierce young ladies. It's pretty fantastic and full of ambitious craft projects for me to fuck up, though I don't think I get all of it, since I'm too old and Belgian. But the most recent issue left me in a hysterical heap on the ground with its fantastic female friendly erotic story (or "one handed read" as they called it) about .... a librarian. A guybrarian! Is this, in fact, the erotic fantasy of choice of hot young New York hipsters? Is it? I am even more out of touch than I realised.


(Very) Lost in France said...

Jqyzqlker (oops, left my keyboard in French!) those are some seriously ugly shoes. I would definitely stick with the cellulite. The idea that anyone wearing those should experience any sort of sheer, unfettered pleasure is.... well it's.... Skin socks. That's what DD calls pop socks, having never seen them in the UK she made up her own name for them when she started wearing them (last week). VLiF

Daisy said...

Ouf, they really are awful aren't they. Although I'm all for ugly clothes nowadays. Apparently. (the 90s are back yadda yadda)... but yes you should definitely bin them and try some (more!) tortoise porn to get you going at it like reptiles.

Helga Hansen said...

Those fugly shoes look remarkably like MBTs... I know they are not the best looking shoes on the shoe-rack, but they are quite comfortable, if you're honest about it!

My pair are plain black - I hide them under the ends of my trousers! I suffer from Plantar fasciitis, and wearing orthotics with a pair of high-heels doesn't quite work! I might just nick your idea of decorating them, though!

Pretty Jane said...

As an American, I have never heard of this "pop sock" of which you write, but having been to Lovely London, am intimately acquainted with Compeed (God love 'em, and the Boots where they can be found) and am here to defend you! Those things will stick anywhere, dammit, and one must hop and flounce about most unbecomingly to free oneself. Your fugly shoes are largely at fault, but gravity and highly effective adhesives are just as much to blame.

FYI, that first photo knocked me back in my chair a good 6 inches--thanks for the warning.

Nikki said...

Wow... just... wow. Those shoes. They are truly WRETCHED. Please tell me you've had some discernible diminishment of cellulite after wearing these monstrous Frankenstein shoes? Hey... that's an idea! Halloween costume! Just add bolts to your neck. All done.

La Belette Rouge said...

It is all my fault. I have ruined your sex life. Bad me! I almost don't regret it. You made me LOL and grab my weasel and read to him. He liked the grabbing part. Perhaps we will have sex thanks to you. Thanks for that.

p.s. My MBTs are not as ugly as yours. I am afraid you got the ugliest ones available.

nappy valley girl said...

They are truly fugly. And I'm sure any agony auntie would tell you too much information is a passion killer, lovey, particularly when it involves pop socks.

But (as another who has been with her man since aged 19) I know too well how difficult it can be to muster the energy to actually look attractive....last night I realised I hadn't bothered to shave my legs for about three weeks and they looked like a field.

Jaywalker said...

VLiF - aren't they! Imagine them with skin socks. Mmmm.

Daisy - I can't bin them! They cost 200 euros and are supposed to give me the thighs of a nineteen year old.

Helga - Seriously, don't give them eyes. That way madness lies. You don't want to follow me down this dark, dark path.

Pretty Jane - I love you even more now I know you share my allegiance to Boots and Compeed.

Nikki - That is genius! Small children will run, weeping, away from me.

Belette - Really? I managed to chooose the WORST pair of MBTs? Oh god.

NVG - But I really really needed his help - it was agony. Imagine trying to take the pop sock off and it slowly rips your heel skin off...

justme said...

Perhaps the shoes would look good with eyebrows too, and maybe a moustache? Well.....not 'good' exactly.....
Pop socks are just bad. I have some black fishnet ones. But still. Bad. Not sexy at all.
Though as one who wears deeply unsexy shoes as a rule, I can hardly talk!

Welsh Girl said...

I also succumbed to the advertising and have the fugly shoes, but in black. I have never fallen over so much. My knees look like those of a tree climbing boy of 8 - scabby and icky, and all my jeans now have holes in them. Perhaps the weight loss they promise comes from the blood loss caused by the falling down? They deserve to picked on by prettier shoes.

Jaywalker said...

Justme - I don't suppose you'll be surprised to learn that I did in fact think of making a moustache. I had to give up due to lack of appropriate materials.

Welshgirl - God, gullible falling over fules like use are everywhere aren't they? The Swiss manufacturers must be cackling into their toblerones.

Jaywalker said...

I meant 'us' of course.

MR style said...

fugly not at all !! that's designed !

Kate said...

sigh... I used to work for that magazine. That was a lifetime ago. [insert many things i would like to say about being hip and in New York here] so don't feel bad.

Jaywalker said...

"Mr Style" - are you on drugs.

Kate - Ok now I am jealous. Really? The parties! The craft! Tell us more.

zoe said...

OMG. I am SO glad that you weren't wearing those yesterday - I would have had to use my fork to kill you off for good. Instead, you almost tried to kill yourself by falling down the stairs in those ridiculously high and to-die-for red shoes. I want them and you can have my back in exchange. It's a fair deal, darling, as my back comes equipped with titanium and you know what that's worth.

And you ALMOST did a post about affairs. Not as funny as the conversation we had.

I need more wine. Those shoes are seriously bad.

btw - got my brolly back ;)

pochyemu said...

Speaking of shoes!

I'm terribly jealous of your Loub ankle boots. I'm also jealous of your sense of style.

Do you approve of these boots as a suitable alternative for those of us on a student budget?


Jaywalker said...

Zoe - we truly are toxic together. Next time provide a (male) escort please.

Pochyemu - They are great, really really lovely; but why would you be asking for the opinion of a woman who wears the orthopedic crimes against feet in this post? Ask Red Shoes. Red Shoes? If you read this look at Pochyemu's boots. Emily too.

pochyemu said...

You know, I was going to buy some of those awful seesaw trainers a few years back! I saw them in an exercise shop window in Marylebone or summink.

Despite the £100 price tag I thought I needed them because the woman on the poster wearing them looked fucking AMAZING! Long blonde ponytail, spandex shorts and skinny tan legs till HERE! I mean, that's how they make you look when you're wearing them...right?!

Jaywalker said...

Uh, yeah Pocheymu. Exactly like that. Blonde, legs, spandex.

Helena said...

But why is there a baby crocodile in the pop socks in your photo???

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