Sunday, 26 October 2008

Fucking stupid fucking clock change

"Gain an hour", ha fucking ha. What precisely does the universe think I need with an extra hour of rain, Yu Gi Oh GX and industrial strength whining? Another minute would have already been surplus to requirements. The only place open to allay the determined chorus of Choooooocooolllaaate Miiiiiiillllk Aaaaaaaaaahhhh at 5 this morning was Macdonalds, so thank you, Ronald, for helping me further clutter the Bearded One's house with stuff it has never seen before, like styrofoam and donuts. He's having to hide in his bedroom to keep his blood pressure in check. This house used to belong to a scion of the Guiness empire apparently and she had a whole room for her Jimmy Choos. Now I have a whole cupboard for me, the children, a thoroughly grumpy CFO and a selection of spiky plastic novelties. The rest is either dangerous or hideously valuable, or just too beautiful and beige for us to cope with. I feel like a stain on the adult calm of this place, mainly because I am.



No matter. I am sure the "six is the new five" thing works perfectly well for those not living in their father's shoe box with two children set an hour fast even BEFORE the clock change. And once I conquer the mouse that makes me lick my fingers before it deigns to work, the printer that has decided to print out my entire oeuvre that I now have to shred before my father discovers I tried to quit my boast-friendly eurojob, and my own gloom, it will all be fine. Won't it? Please?



One more hour. That's more time to:

- Wonder why my body's version of "intuitive eating" goes Cakegivemecake.Biggercake.Nowgivememore andnowfillmewithtransfatstilIEXPLODE. Intrinsic flaw - why I thought my body would have any more sense than the rest of me is anyone's guess. It does not. If I continue to give it this freedom it will have me on a diet of crystal meth, bleach and Krispy Kremes within days.

- Worry about Antonia not liking me (yes, I am that fucking pathetic, and basically still thirteen in my head).

- Repeat myself at increasing volume to my father until I lose the will to live and have to shut myself in the loo to bang my head rhythmically against the wall until I lose consciousness.

- Regret my packing, over and over, especially during the four rainy hours at the zoo. One pair of suede Lanvin ballet pumps, one pair of Rupert Sanderson red patent pointy fuck off heels, no socks and one APC cotton blazer does not sensible outdoor wear for late October make. I have had to make myself over with the contents of the house, and am wearing a cagoule that smells of pre-grooming era male and size 46 walking boots.

- Wonder how someone so much richer than I am (Bearded One) could live such a spartan existence. There is no food in this house. They must be like those giant moths (names, reading entomologists? lepidopterists? moth people?) I learned about this afternoon sheltering from the rain, that are born with no mouths, because they don't live long enough to need them. Or they eke all necessary calories out from whisky. Possible.

- Bitterly regret not taking my camera to the zoo to document the existence of a book called "British mousetraps and their creators" and also to show how LARGE it was. Clearly, Great Britain has an august heritage of causing pain and death to small rodents. A heritage to be proud of, truly!

I am now throwing this open to the rest of you. How did you spend the extra hour? How would you have liked to have spend it? Cheer me, please, it's still only 6pm here, and miles to go before I sleep, etc etc.

24 comments:

fourstar said...

I think Antonia liking you is a given; but is South London ready for Jaywalker?

Paddy Power offering 11-2, CMC will do a 13.5 point spread and Betfair have in-running odds available. I'm in deep...

Jaywalker said...

Need anything from Barnitts, Fourstar? Want me to go and stroke any Yorkshire monuments for you?

Pearl said...

Minnesota changes next week. I am dedicating the extra hour to fine chocolates and bathing. Maybe a little fretting over the elections.

Pearl

Daisy said...

I decided to use up my hour last night instead of today, by staying out extra late and having an unprecedented drink AFTER dinner. The poor metro drivers I think must have been the only ones not to have profited from this extra hour- they had to drive us all home until 2.30am!

The Colonel used his hour having his monthly bath and worrying about how long it might take to get all our money out of the bank in readies.

justme said...

I spent it being ill......I have a lurgy and could easily have done without an extra hour this weekend. I did think about simply refusing to change my clocks till next weekend when I have to be somewhere at 8am on sunday morning....it would be useful then!
Anybody out there actually NOT change the clocks and just stay on 'old time' untill you actually WANT an extra hour???

Fat Controller said...

Well I would reveal what Mrs Controller and I used the extra hour for, but it might get blocked by the Euro-censors. Definitely not work safe.

katyboo1 said...

I spent it comatose and unaware. Amazed that the children actually slept in for the first time in forever. Then all spoiled by the fact that they have been hideous monsters for most of the day and no naps were taken. I had it, and then it was cruelly snatched away.

How can Antonia not like you? Ninny!

mountainear said...

I did a creature-friendly thing and let my hens out early - and once I'd got over the fact it was a wet Welsh morning getting up at 7.00 really wasn't too bad. Then I made Yorkshire Curd Tart (with currants). then we ate it.

A morning well spent?

Jaywalker said...

Mountainear's is best. Cakes and hens! Beat that, internet. Though honourable mention to Pearl.

Daisy - Colonel + CFO = unprecedented financial psychosis. They must never meet.

Fat Controller, stop it, you are as bad as the Flemish lady who shares my office with your innuendo.

Katyboo - How the fuck? Did you give them GHB? Also, I am not saying she didn't like me, just that I am totally pathetically fucking paranoid and cravenly desperate to be liked. God, I hate the contents of my skull sometimes.

kayla said...

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Potty Mummy said...

Spent the extra hour lying in bed with my sons squabbling all over us and regretting the last glass of white wine (not the 6 preceeding ones) the previous evening...

katyboo1 said...

Don't know what happened. I do know it will never happen again in my lifetime though. The best I can put it down to is a random freak of nature. I might send them off for scientific experimentation to see if it can in fact be reproduced.

Agreed about the head thing. Still, at least you aren't having repetitive nightmares about Bruce Forsyth. This is a small token of comfort perhaps?

zoe said...

I didn't even realise that it was an extra hour. I spent the entire day wondering whether we'd lost an hour or gained an hour.

fourstar said...

Could you just walk down Coney Street in a bit of a hurry, tutting at the tourists? That would do it for me.

nappy valley girl said...

We had not only the Littleboys but my sister's two kids staying, so spent the extra hour listening to four under-fives careering round the house screaming as we recovered from a party the night before. And noticing rather guiltily that my neighbours - a 20 something couple whose bedroom is next to our living room - were up and in their kitchen at 8am, obviously not enjoying their lie-in either....
Anyway, totally with you, I wish parents of young children could be given an exemption from the time change.

Welsh Girl said...

Mmmm, krispy cremes - the food of the gods! Gimme some NOW - please!!!!!

pochyemu said...

Mme Jaywalker!

I promise I'm not making this up - my tutor at uni told me Fridy that it would 'probably be a good idea' to include Belgium in my dissertation on ethnic tension in democracies.

I don't know anything about Belgium! I've only been there once, at 18 whilst backpacking, and I stayed in Bruges for 24 hours. All I remember is starting the evening with a litre of cherry beer and finishing the jaunt with a waffle with chocolate sauce the next morning. WTF.

Kind regards,
Pochyemy

NB. Those boots I ordered came today and they're gorge!

Jaywalker said...

Pochyemu - I reaaallly hope you are going to cite me as a source. Also, field trip! Totally required. Will you get bonus points for Belgian politician cakes? You should.

PM and NVG - your extra hour sounds much like mine. I draw little comfort from that, as a colleague of mine always says to such things (he is fucking psychotic fyi) THAT WOULD ONLY HELP IF I HATED YOU.

Zoe - I have some envy about that. A lot, actually.

Fourstar - that's obligatory anyway! Don't you want me to go out in my shirt sleeves down Micklegate and vomit in some gutters? I so could.

Katyboo - If I do have them tonight I am blaming you. Instead I had a dream about amphibious tours of london.

fourstar said...

"...out in my shirt sleeves down Micklegate and vomit in some gutters?"

As you are a lady you will not be wearing a shirt on Micklegate, let alone sleeves. I envisage you more like this: Micklegate Run

pochyemu said...

Jaywalker, I'm obviously only bringing this up in a thinly veiled attempt to get you to tell me academic-sounding things which I may put into my paper.

(Have you ever heard of falsifying academic sources? I'd like to pay you in chocolate/nicked designer gear to falsify the hell out of some Belgian type surveys or something for me.)

Kitschen Pink said...

The clocks went back? Oh bugger that explains so very much! How could they do it in half term? There are no anchors! t.x

Jaywalker said...

Pochyemu - I have had a longstanding plan to explain the belgian political landscape pictorially using decorated potatoes. Your dissertation gives me the ideal excuse. Nicked designer gear sounds good.

Fourstar - No! Really? No. Ok, I will get out my sleeveless hotpant playsuit and go down Toffs with chips and curry sauce in my handbag.

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