We weren't actually able to do that one, due to the corner shop not having Bourbon. But! We did the others! I don't know why I'm saying 'we'. I did them; the CFO drank wine and sat on the sofa looking disapproving. But it seems profoundly sad to think of me on my own in the kitchen making cocktails, so let's say I made them with my imaginary friends. Goodness we have fun.
First, assemble your ingredients:
No. The eggs are no accident.
Now start mixing!
1. The 'Apple Jack' (4 Calvados: 4 Pear liqueur, : 1 Lemon juice: 1 grenadine)
We swapped the pear liqueur for pear vodka. It didn't help much. Look:
Note that our tester appears to be suffering from hairy hands syndrome à la Father Jack. I am looking for a place for him in the home for bad hairy priests. Juxtaposes nicely with dinky Shinzi Katoh glass, no?
Our verdict: Tart doesn't quite cover it. It has an acidulated Haribo nose, but launches a vicious, toilet cleaner attack on your throat. "It's treacherous" says the CFO "It looks like a girl's drink but it's vicious".
2. The Sidecar ( 2 Cognac: 2 Cointreau: 1 lemon juice)
The role of Cointreau is being played here by Triple Sec. Is it even glancingly similar? Who knows. Voilà:
Yes. It is sideways. But also, it is a Sidecar! It could be deliberate?
Note the pleasing 'bile' colour. Our tester is giving it the sideways thumbs up, but it might be ironic. I have no tasting notes on this one. It was nasty, clearly. But at least the lemon juice contains some semblance of nutritional value. Why did all these cocktails contain lemon juice? Maybe the shaker was free with a bag of lemons?
3. Gin fizz (4 gin: 1 lemon juice: I tsp sugar: sparkling water to taste)
You're kind of expecting this by now, but I had no sparkling water, it transpired. So I used tap. There goes the fizz. Oops. Maybe someone could think of another name for it?
4. Porto Flip - this is the one that totally inspired me to do this ridiculous excuse for a project. Half and half Port and Cognac : AND AN EGG YOLK. Mmm! It's a meal in a glass! And doesn't it look pretty? Look at the lovely bit at the bottom!
The photo has been, ahem, 'flipped'. Sorry.
The CFO thought this wasn't quite as bad as he was expecting. I could only swallow it if I closed my eyes, because that yellow, separated dreglike residue was just soooo DELICIOUS. Yes, that's definitely the word I was looking for. That ectoplasm is chasing me through my dreams.