Sunday, 12 October 2008

Emma's party (for one)


Yo internet.




I know many of you only make it through the sad twilight of the weekend that is Sunday evening thanks to my superlative baking, so let's kick this Martha Stewart-athon off with a biscuit. This 'Mondrian drops a fistful of E ' abstract is the work of Señor Fingers. We were supposed to be keeping it 'for ever' but ate it this afternoon. It tasted mainly of stale sprinkle and goat. We've had another goat-filled weekend. The goat fun never stops in Belgium, no indeed.








Moving swiftly on, I had great ideas of an amusing cocktail making session, using the CFO's parents' 1976 cocktail shaker, but enthusiasm levels from my usually game co-tester were set to 'relentless negativity' last night. There was mention of 'quiet' and 'a nice glass of wine'. I did not, however, allow this to deter me. I shall become the Belgian Amy Sedaris through the sheer force of my baleful will. Yes. I shall.


So, the context is that the CFO's parents have gifted us this ancient cocktail shaker (not actual, vintage ancient. Just peeling rusting lid, pyrex cheaptastic Carrefour freebie) and we recently noticed that the cocktail recipes on the side are, frankly, terrifying.


Photos will be even worse than usual. I was having technical difficulties. So here is the shaker, showcasing the 'Sidecar', on its, er, side.







"This one [the Manhattan] has NO mixers at all!" said the CFO with respectful awe, holding it up between finger and thumb.



"Unless you consider Vermouth a soft drink"


We weren't actually able to do that one, due to the corner shop not having Bourbon. But! We did the others! I don't know why I'm saying 'we'. I did them; the CFO drank wine and sat on the sofa looking disapproving. But it seems profoundly sad to think of me on my own in the kitchen making cocktails, so let's say I made them with my imaginary friends. Goodness we have fun.


First, assemble your ingredients:


No. The eggs are no accident.



Now start mixing!





1. The 'Apple Jack' (4 Calvados: 4 Pear liqueur, : 1 Lemon juice: 1 grenadine)


We swapped the pear liqueur for pear vodka. It didn't help much. Look:






Note that our tester appears to be suffering from hairy hands syndrome à la Father Jack. I am looking for a place for him in the home for bad hairy priests. Juxtaposes nicely with dinky Shinzi Katoh glass, no?


Our verdict: Tart doesn't quite cover it. It has an acidulated Haribo nose, but launches a vicious, toilet cleaner attack on your throat. "It's treacherous" says the CFO "It looks like a girl's drink but it's vicious".

Next!



2. The Sidecar ( 2 Cognac: 2 Cointreau: 1 lemon juice)


The role of Cointreau is being played here by Triple Sec. Is it even glancingly similar? Who knows. Voilà:






Yes. It is sideways. But also, it is a Sidecar! It could be deliberate?


Note the pleasing 'bile' colour. Our tester is giving it the sideways thumbs up, but it might be ironic. I have no tasting notes on this one. It was nasty, clearly. But at least the lemon juice contains some semblance of nutritional value. Why did all these cocktails contain lemon juice? Maybe the shaker was free with a bag of lemons?


3. Gin fizz (4 gin: 1 lemon juice: I tsp sugar: sparkling water to taste)

You're kind of expecting this by now, but I had no sparkling water, it transpired. So I used tap. There goes the fizz. Oops. Maybe someone could think of another name for it?






But, this was NICE. Really really nice - a sort of invalid's cocktail. I would drink this again. Well, not if I had to do it myself, or before I turn 80. But a definite winner.

4. Porto Flip - this is the one that totally inspired me to do this ridiculous excuse for a project. Half and half Port and Cognac : AND AN EGG YOLK. Mmm! It's a meal in a glass! And doesn't it look pretty? Look at the lovely bit at the bottom!


The photo has been, ahem, 'flipped'. Sorry.






The CFO thought this wasn't quite as bad as he was expecting. I could only swallow it if I closed my eyes, because that yellow, separated dreglike residue was just soooo DELICIOUS. Yes, that's definitely the word I was looking for. That ectoplasm is chasing me through my dreams.

So. There you have it. I could have been reading Proust, but instead I chose to display my dirty fingernails on the internet for your gratification and prompt you to ponder whether I actually live in an underground car park, because why is everything so damn dark. Was it worth it? I don't know, really I don't, but I have a dark suspicion. Now where did those maraschino cherries go?

14 comments:

mountainear said...

Yuck. That's mostly House of Horrors stuff.

Repeat after me the mantra:

'Less is more' 'Less is more'

Mr Farty said...

Well there's your problem! Surely jus de Citroën should be petrol, not lemon juice? And didn't Father Jack drink a whole bottle of floor polish with no ill effect (apart from being pronounced dead, obv.)?

peevish said...

Did you know that the Sidecar was Judy Garland's favorite cocktail? It is properly served with a sugared rim.

Also, Gin Fizzes are so delicious. I know from personal experience that they used to be wonderful at the Cadillac Bar in Nuevo Laredo, Mexico. That bar had scores of young boys standing behind the bar just to shake them up to frothy perfection for the tourists. Sadly, the bar changed hands sometime in the 90's and I heard it went downhill after that.

I wish you could come over right now to have a St~Germain cocktail with me.

Jaywalker said...

Mountairear - No; more is more. More!

Mr F - Yes. It all becomes clear now. Might induce 'the symptoms of death' like Father J, but would definitely taste better.

Peevish - so do I! I don't know what one is, but it is certainly nicer than Belgian coffee. Also, can we go on a road trip to the gin fizz place and check out reports of its demise?

justme said...

Anything with Gin is always good I find.....went through a phase of drinking it with flat diet coke, I seem to remember. But raw eggs are NOT good.....in anything! Not good at all......

Completely Alienne said...

I would just like to correct justme - raw eggs are perfectly fine (in fact absolutely vital) in chocolate mousse - and as you might guess I am very partial to chocolate mousse. Don't envy you the cocktails though Jaywalker. I think the CFO had the right idea. No way would I DRINK anything with a raw egg in it!

justme said...

Ah yes indeed, I had forgotten about chocolate mousse, and then there is mayonnaise too! But DEFINATELY bad in drinks...nasty!

nappy valley girl said...

Yum, you clearly had a good weekend!
I too had 2 cocktails last night at a friend's birthday get-together. Sadly half the drinks seemed to be off because the bar had run out pomegranete liqueur..who knew that this was such an essential ingredient?

Jaywalker said...

Raw egg in a drink is clearly a mistake, I have learned my 'lesson' if we can call it such.

Stocking up on pomegranite liqueur at the corner shop may prove challenging but I will try.

(Very) Lost in France said...

Jaywalker - I'm going to say it quietly so nobody hears.. you know you can get your hands waxed don't you! Look forward to my invite for drinks. VLiF

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