Tuesday, 7 October 2008

Bonjour crazies - financial psychosis hits Belgium

Clearly there was some kind of memo about 'take your crazy relative to town and abandon them' day that I missed. Not only was most of Brussels wearing brightly coloured bin bags over their clothes yesterday (Zoe? Did you get the memo? Was it something to do with the strike?), but I also had another choice lunatic encounter in Deutsche Bank, where apparently the soothing news of the EU's pro-active approach to raised bog conservation had failed to quell fears of the imminent purchase of Belgium by a consortium of Nicolas Sarkozy's girlie haired sons.



Me: I can haz mony pliz, CFO sez I haz to hide in matrus?

(He does. Actually, he has taken to rising at 5 for an hour's intensive worrying; then he comes and wakes me up for exchanges like this:

CFO: I think the crisis will be coming to an end just about when the boys are starting work - we should get a safe deposit box.

E: Urgh..

CFO: Are you listening? We need to get a safe!

E: Urgh. But what would we put in it?

CFO: Cash, of course.

E: Huh. But what if there's a one of those, yunno, things. Devaluation? Money in wheelbarrows?

CFO: It will still be better to have the box. Oh, and you have to close all our savings accounts and get cash.

E: But, but, can't we just leave it all there and eventually it will get better?

CFO: No. We should take it out then put it in again when it bottoms out.

E: But but but .. Actually, could I have a cup of tea with my 6am macroeconomics? Please? )




Counter Lady (bored, taking pro forma from GIANT pile labelled 'panicking investors sign here'): sign here.



There is a sound of vigorous rustling and a giant crazy smelly guy with massive 'fro and a million old carrier bags lurches right up to window, placing his face right on the glass: SPRECHEN SIE DEUTSCH???


Counter lady: No [at Deutsche Bank they obviously they only speak French. This is Belgium remember]

GCSGWLF: I want to open an account! (speaking mixture of French, German and 'Crazy')! Fascists! [Waves carrier bags around menacingly]



Counter lady (with squinty eyed menace): Sir, step back I am dealing with Madame.


GCSGWLF: You people stink the Metro out with your unwashed foufounes*! You should wash! Don't you know how to wash? Wash your dirty German skin!



Counter lady (with admirable restraint): Go away sir. I'm not opening an account for you.

GCSGWLF moves backwards two paces, makes Nazi salute and starts singing "Deutschland, Deutschland, über alles" blocking the doorway with his massive bulk and carrier bag collection.



Me: Um, are we done?


Counter lady: Yeah, bonne journée.



I navigated cautiously round GCSGWLF who appeared satisfied that I was insufficiently German to require a hygiene lecture, and ran away.

Next time I meet Ninja Lady I will be aiming for similar unflappable froideur.



*Take a wild guess.

11 comments:

Daisy said...

I have just opened a safe deposit box!! I literally come hot foot from the bank, where I was left in a carpeted safe to place my valuables in the safe!! It's only because we can't afford insurance, but still.

Potty Mummy said...

Uuum... does it mean handbags? Because if it does, Jaywalker, maybe it was you he was talking about...

katyboo1 said...

You are so lucky. All I saw today was someone who had planted bedding plants in an unplumbed toilet and left it in their front garden as an ornament.

Perhaps these people are related to your crazy guy? Sounds like the sort of thing he might do, shortly before blowing it to kingdom come.

I don't need a safety deposit box. I am officially a pauper as of this morning in the bank. Still, at least the credit crunch won't affect me.

I didn't know you could get different colour bin bags. I may have to take a day trip to Belgium.

peevish said...

This financial crisis is making me feel so connected to my grandparents and great-grandparents. Soon I'll be sending the children to school with gravel and bird shit sandwiches in their lunchboxes.

Collecting the birdshit won't be fun, but it must have some nutritional value, right?

Jaywalker said...

Daisy - wow. You're like, George Soros or something. I am Impressed.

PM - Such rudeness! My handbag smells deliciously of small chocolate squares and escaped cosmetics.

Katyboo - Yes, we have many-hued bin bags. Blue, yellow, green... Some of these people had red ones though, which were new to me. The toilet garden feature sounds, audacious? Playful? Disturbing? DO you think it's related to the sighting of Charley Dimmock?

Peevish - Bird shit? Full of delicious nutrients. Also, if your definition of 'fun' is sufficiently liberal I think it could qualify.
I was thinking snails, myself. I have millions! Bundles of pure protein. And how about some moths? Crunchy deep fried BBQ ones?

Pearl said...

Here in the U.S. we're manufacturing wienie water bouillon cubes -- you drop them in hot water and you've got a "meal" for just pennies a day.

Pearl

La Belette Rouge said...

Our mattress is already lumpy. I fear that if I put money in it I would be kept up at night, not for worrying that my bank is about to fail, because this Princess cannot tolerate a pea in her bed.

La Belette Rouge said...

p.s. I tagged you with a easy-peasy-lemon-squeezy meme. Come on over to my blog and see.:-)

zoe said...

I didn't get the memo as I'm no Eurodrone but I know who organised it and knew about it BEFORE ANYBODY ELSE. It's all about knowing people these days, Jay.

I hardly have any money this side of the pond and my bank in the UK seems to be safe atm. Daddy will email me if it's not, I'm sure - bugger me sideways what it's all about. Q is trying to explain to me as I type ...

zoe said...

If you want a photo of people in blue bin liners go here:

Barmy people supporting Human Rights.

Jaywalker said...

Pearl - mmmm, tasty and nutritious! I am looking at the tortoises speculatively.

Belette - not enough to create a lump in the mattress here I think. It's all being stored in the convenient and highly liquid form of, um, shoes. Meme on way today!

Zoe - And once again I fail, fail fail. Going to admire the bin bag people now. But the ones I saw were red! Explain?