Wednesday, 22 October 2008


Ok, I take it back. They aren't too normal. They are a bunch of freaks. In future I will be careful what I wish for.


Me: It's Halloween soon! We'll be in England and we can go to Woolworths and get you a really disgusting mask.

Lashes: And I can say "A sweetie or I hit you with a stick!"

Me: What?

Lashes: A sweetie or I hit you with a stick! "Un bonbon ou un coup de baton!"

Me: Hmm. Actually, in England we say "Trick or Treat"

Lashes: Tit or Treat? Why?

Me: TRICK or Treat.

Lashes: I like the stick better.

Me: I suppose you could go with "Stick or Treat"?

Lashes: No, a sweetie or I hit you with a stick. They might think I was giving them a stick.

Me: Fair enough.


Me: Did you have gym today Fingers? Sorry, Rockettheparrot?

Fingers: Yes. There was a new big ball, like a bowling ball. But with no holes. Mme Pascale wasn't there.

Me: Oh, is she sick?

Fingers (gravely): She is veeeerrry sick. She has a giant verucca. She dropped an enormous bowling ball on her foot and it gave her a verucca as big as my head.

Me: .....


Me: What's that you're reading?

CFO: Hibernation instructions. I have to give the tortoises weekly baths and starve them for a month before they hibernate. And smell their poo to make sure it isn't "offensive".

Me: It always seems pretty offensive to me. Anything else?

CFO: I have to make sure their ears are flat and there is no discharge.

Me: They have EARS? I have never seen ears. Tortoises don't have ears! Do they?

CFO: They are more like holes I think.

Me: So, do we have to hibernate them in the fridge again? Won't it be a bit crowded now we have six?

CFO: Yes, the fridge is best. But they won't take up much space. Apparently the box shouldn't be much bigger than the tortoise. I was thinking we could go to the ice cream shop and ask them for some spare polystyrene boxes.

Me: Polystyrene ice cream hibernation pods. I'll add that to my to do list. So I have to start emptying the vegetable crisper?

CFO: You have a couple of weeks while I complete their health checks. Now get off the computer I need to check the shell length:weight ratios again.

Eerz, I apparuntliy haz em.

Weer in ur fridj hopefully not daiyin in ur crispur.

Then I went into the kitchen and found this intriguing tableau:

Some kind of 'things in glasses' competition perhaps? Let's look closer.

Glass 1: "an experiment". No further explanation was forthcoming. Oh yes, we are all about exploring the physical universe through the medium of messy, staining, coloured fluids.

Glass 2: avocado stone

Actually, just one is fairly encouraging. The CFO has some long hidden folk memory of growing avocados from stones. I expect it dates from when his parents lived in Guadeloupe. There are always one or two in a state of putrefaction around the house.

Glass 3: crocodile

I have no comment.

What does it all mean? Any theories?


Pearl said...

You made me LOL at work. Very funny.

Eerz. They haz em. :-)

Tres amusant. (or something like that!)


hairyfarmerfamily said...

'Tit or treat' just made me wee.

justme said...

You hibernate the tortioses in the fridge? In the vegetable crisper??? Noooooooo! Tell me thats not true! I am in tears I am laughing so much!!!
As to the strange things in glasses....nope! NOT a clue....unless they are adventurous cocktails perhaps?
I feel so wonderfully normal when I read your blog. Do, do, come and visit if you ever find yourself in kent!! Bring the family! I like mad people....

katyboo1 said...

Bugger! It ate my first response.

So once more. I feel much happier about my own mental family now. I wish I had known you ten years ago in either virtual or real form. you could have saved me a fortune in counselling for guilt/angst/low grade paranoia.

Fridge! Fridge! No. Make the CFO watch Blue Peter repeats. You paint their names on their backs with white enamel paint. You stick em in a cardboard box of straw. You pop em in the airing cupboard till March. That's what John Noakes said. As any fule no.

Still, I could be behind the times with such trends. I didn't even know they had ears. And, how can they lie flat if they are holes? Hmm! Are you sure he's reading tortoise care and not the Haines Manual for the Mini Clubman or something?

littleanomaly said...

Perhaps the croc got drunk on the substance in glass one and felt he needed some guacamole to go with it but while balancing the avacado ball he fell and drowned in glass 3? After all, even crocs shouldn't swim when intoxicated.

Mr Farty said...

Good luck with the hibernating tortoises!

I'm hungry now. Wonder if there's any of those delicious crunchy pies left in the fridge?

Persephone said...

Y'know that lolcatz stuff leaves me cold, but I think I could learn to love "loltortuz".
I don't suppose you could talk Master Lashes into the Canadian prairie version of "Trick or Treat" from my misspent childhood? "Hallowe'en apples!" (Sung on one note except for the "a" in "apples" which is sung one note lower: "Haa-lah-weeen-ah-poooools!")

Kate said...

sorry. i'm posting this here because for some reason it wouldn't let me post a second time to the last post.

I had to come back and ask this question: What on earth is a pop sock? And wtf is that photo? Is that a yam in that sock? A turd?

And that wasn't a sigh of nostalgia in my last comment. Any other information that I would have liked to put in those brackets will only be divulged while drunk or bribed with frites or belgian chocolates or at least cakes shaped like the heads of belgian politicians.

peevish said...

Don't ask, don't tell.

zed said...

I forgot to ask you about tortoises. I want one you see. That's for our next toxic meeting.

Jaywalker said...

Hmm, where to start.

Yes. Fridge. Go google it people! This is the tortoise hibernating best practice, not merely something we do for our amusement on the long winter evening (though, obviously it does help).

Katyboo - the flat ear thing bothered me too. I kept going to try and see ears. No sign.

Littleanomaly - you are clearly a genius. Would you like to come and live with us? I sometimes feel I need an interpreter and you are totally qualified.

MrF - Crunchy indeed. And soooo cold.

Persephone - I could try, but I don't see him being terribly motivated by an apple. Loltortuz. Yes. We could make our fortune.

Kate - I have no answers for you, only more questions. Google images - where pop socks go to eat yams. Pop sock = sock made of tights material that stops just short of your knee. Horrid. I will fire up the kitchenaid and make you a Belgian, I need to know this stuff!

Peevish - but I feel I must. Do you have an inkling? Do you?

Zed - It's the CFO you need. And he wouldn't let you forget your umbrella.

Persephone said...

I have a use for your wild and woolly photos. It's a tame and easy (and relatively hairless) photo meme. Feel free to ignore it, but I'd love to know what turns up for you...

Anonymous said...

If you cant beat your freaky family, join em. For your next crafty endeavour try Horrifying Houseplants - yes really.

Dawn in NL

zoe said...

Q told me all about why you stick tortoises in the fridge: global warming. You have to wake them up, too. But he did tell me not to put them in the freezer as they'd explode. It was quite an interesting lunch today, I can tell you.

If I'm nice, will the CFO give me a tortoise for christmas?

Jaywalker said...

Ok I have just paid ten euros to access the internet in a conference centre, I am officially a sad geek bastard. Going to check the horrifying houseplants now, I like the sound of these veeeeery much. Zoe - a tortoise popsicle maybe when the hibernation thing goes tits up.

bonnie-ann black said...

perhaps it's actually an alligator and it's a study in alliteration?

alligator, avocado, alleuvial fluid (from the flood)

Z said...

I'm a bit worried about the polystyrene though. Won't they suffocate?

Jaywalker said...

Interesting Bonnie Ann. And I also learnt a new word. Alligator eh? Mmm

I am sure we could punch holes in the polystyrene Z. I'll check with the CFO..

kcm said...

> Tit or Treat?

Should't that be Tit or teat?


Jaywalker said...

We should all adopt that KCM. Could make for a veeery interesting 31st.

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