Friday, 19 September 2008

Solipsism corner

Hello! If you are looking for actual entertainment today, I suggest you set a new course to the more reliable waters of the Non Working Monkey, Cakewrecks, or Lovely listings. Better still check this out (thanks Zoe!). Here be nothing but shark infested self-absorption. (This maritime metaphor is brought to you courtesy of 'Talk like a pirate day' AND the office sailing trip which I am not attending, despite the admittedly seductive promise of "medicines on the coach". ) Not even the closest members of my family have managed to feign an interest in this topic, but I am not allowing this to put me off.

Ok. It goes like this. I think I am living my life backwards.

Ten years ago, I:

- Started every day with green tea, berries and porridge;

- Worried if I ate less than ten portions of fruit and vegetables a day, and regularly had twenty;

- Did not drink alcohol at all, ever. In fact, drank nothing but water and tea;

- Moisturised, body brushed and got massaged religiously;

- Never touched chips or red meat;

- Exercised - properly in one of those 'gym' places - a minimum of three times a week, did yoga and roller bladed.


- Breakfast is a coffee and a pain au raisin;

- Lunch is often made up of several varieties of Celebrations. I try to ensure I include Snickers for protein though;

- Sometimes I have to eat chicory at 10 o clock at night to get anywhere near my 5 a day. Sometimes I can't even be arsed with late night chicory;

- I rarely get around to washing my face - I mean, why? It hasn't got dirty, seeing as I can't get it together to put any make up on. The CFO uses my body brush to brush his hair. Lashes gives me the odd 'massage' when he is short of money. It hurts. I really should cut his nails.;

- I have a new enthusiasm for vodka and Diet Coke (though not together, that would be really wrong) and drink horrible coffee from the machine at work all day, even though it tastes like crap;

- Chips - yum;

- "Exercise" is twenty minutes ridiculous wobbling twice a week to the hits of the early sixties, with ladies who lunch in leotards (they don't lunch in the leotards, obviously. They wobble).

I mean, isn't it supposed to be the other way round? I raised this with the CFO recently, to his dismay. Stifling a yawn, he told me that this was probably ok, since I had already fulfilled my biological destiny. He didn't use those actual words, but that was definitely the gist.

"So basically, you're saying that now that I have reproduced, the next step is death? It doesn't matter what I do any more since noone is living in or off my body?? Jesus! Thanks man"

He ran away at this point.

I blame Belgium. I mean, what chance did I have in a country that considers beer and waffles an appropriate breakfast? Where chips are a national symbol? Where proper serious gents in Homburg hats and Loden overcoats queue up on their own for large ice cream sundaes in the middle of the working day? This country is decadent, I tell you, decadent.

On the upside, I am also less of a miserable anxious joyless bastard than I was 10 years ago. Here's hoping this will counteract my new Belgian (or 'stupid') lifestyle.

Now go and generate your own Sarah Palin baby name. Ha! My name is Tangle Jig Palin. Thanks Peevish/Krinkle.


Léonie said...

Beer and waffles for breakfast sounds to me like the height of sophistication! I would love that, every single day. Except sometimes, instead of beer, I would have Champagne. And, instead of waffles, I would have muffins. Or just a huge plate of hash browns!

I can barely contain myself. What were we talking about?

Oh yeah, I think you are better off now. Except that I think Diet Coke is the Devil's Evil Work, but whatever. Provided you're wearing your gold lamé leggings and pearls at all times, obviously.

(Although this week I have been living my life as one giant all you can eat buffet, so I would say that. It makes me feel better to know that you too are surviving on more than green tea and the odd lentil.)

zoe said...

You were a veggie? OH.MY.GOD.

No wonder you're so pale.

Schmutzie said...

You are being featured on Five Star Friday:

Léonie said...

P.S. I am Clip Dragon Palin. Which is interesting because that's what my parents were going to call me until they realized I was a human and not a piece of stationery.

La Belette Rouge said...

I LOVE these kind of posts. What is solipsism to you is voyeurism to me.
Um, but Vodka and Diet Coke sounds horrrrible. It sounds like some kind of medicine. But, as long as you like it.

You should get funding from the Belgium travel council. I want to visit. I want to be in a country with such decadent food choices. Men in bowler hats eating Sundaes. You, my friend, are one lucky gal.

My name is Creation Schwarzkopf Palin, LOVE-LOVE-LOVE it.

bonnie-ann black said...

Beans Harpoon Palin here!

i love your blog... and take comfort from the fact that i am not the only one finding nutrition and solace in muffins, waffles and drink. being of scottish and irish descent (the only two countries where cigarettes and fried breakfast are still considered good for you) i'm confident that my diet will take me well into my 90s ... just like all my grand and great-grandparents.

BW: love your insights and your humour. please do not keep them to yourself.

Persephone said...

Apparently, I'm "Chase Rooster Palin" which sounds pretty damn macho for someone who would definitely wobble in leotards if she had the courage to don a leotard. I exercise in a large black tee-shirt and those-black-stretchy-trousers-thingies. In private, I hasten to add.

My mother took a canal tour in Belgium and said you could get creamy hot chocolate on every corner. Guess I'd better steer clear....

Nikki said...

Yep, yep, yep... I periodically wobble on the Wii Fit balance board-- but my excursions are so few and far between that the damned board gives me all kinds of shit when I /do/ get on... "Oh, Nikki? Haven't seen you on for awhile... oh, and I see you've gained x pounds-- my, my..." Nothing worse than a mouthy computer. Oh, and since I gave birth, I have had to essentially freebase coffee grounds to stay. awake. all. day. No judgement here.

justme said...

I would be Slap Spear Palin! I Like it!!! Well.....not the Palin bit.....

Kitschen Pink said...

Seems to me like you spent intervening years joining the rest of us in the human race! Hurrah for chips and vodka!
Crutch Camp Palin - oh really! t.x

KSV Woolfoot said...

Am I the only one here who had to look up, by which I mean type into google "solipsism"? Jeez. You admitted somewhere here that you went to Oxford. ("rilly" as I recall, and it was "shite" as you said) but I guess they taught you something. No wonder Madonna wanted her kids raised in England.
So they have Chinese Buffet in Belgium? If you are determined to let yourself go, let yourself go at Chinese Buffet.

zoe said...

Engine Nighthawk Palin here - or if I use my official name .... Slicer Mission Palin.

I refuse to join the army, do you hear me?

Anonymous said...

The boyfriend is driving down from Belgium as we speak - it was his first time and he loved it. Will ask him when he gets back if he had waffles and beer for brekkie. I wouldn't worry too much about the five a day. Today I had 2 fried egg sandwiches for breakfast and a hamburger for dinner - does ketchup count?

Jaywalker said...

Ok, first off, I have bad Palin name envy. Zoe, Kitschen and Justme, I want your names. Actually, yours too Belette. Names! Better ones!

Léonie - it is indeed the devil's work. That is why it is so seductive though. Also, Belette - no! Not together! I was most specific. Vodka is precious. Diet Coke is evil but useful. They must be kept apart.

Bonnie Ann, you are lovely. Lovely lovely. Also, full of delicious saturated fats like me. Come and play!

Nikki, now this is why I couldn't get a WiiFit. All that snide backchat from a piece of plastic. I would melt it.

KSV - Oxford was full of badness. I think I knew the big words before I went there though, thanks to a sad misspent youth in a cupboard with lots of books and boiled sweets. I didn't hear anyone actually say most of them 'til I got to Oxford though. Especially "banal". Scrawled across the 10 page essays thrown back at you by some socially inadequate public schoolboy. La la la no rage here, no, nothing to see at all, keep on moving.

Persephone - the hot chocolate is obligatory. Also, you get a biscuit with it, just in case you are getting hungry between your 10 am waffle and your 11am one.

Zoe - I think you're fairly safe, army wise.

TT - ketchup, hell yes. Full of healing lycopene or something. I read about it.

bonnie-ann black said...

well, jaywalker, i'm off to england tomorrow so our playdate will have to wait until the time i can get to Belgium... (points for gratuitous use of the word "Belgium")... i spent a term at Oxford and fell madly in love with the place -- dreaming spires dance in my head. it's the curse of the reading class.

i hope to return home full of steak pie, eggses and scones, jam and butter and lots and lots of fried fish. as well as hard cider.

when i manage to roll up to the computer on my return home yours will be one of the first sites i check (together with la belette and deja pseu!)


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