The tv is good though, and saves me from the sycophantic and insular doom of French tv news, where the choice is between a man with Brillo pad hair plugs and a man with alarming eyebrows telling me exactly the same 'news' story about some venerable maker of shoe laces fashioned from Camembert rind in his workshop in Larzac. Or reporting on whether goats in Brittany are depressed. Or which farmers have been dumping pig shit where this week. When we lived in Paris, there were two whole weeks devoted to counting down to the opening of a new viaduct. I watched in mounting incredulity.
"This is not news. In what way is this news? A change in the diet of wild partridges in Lot et Garonne is not news." I tell the CFO daily, snatching for the remote, but he has been brought up on a diet of such nonsense, and an evening without le journal de TF1 is inconceivable for him. It is no surprise that there is no content, as the drama all happens off screen, where they are busy having affairs with each other and in-fighting, as heavily featured in the French tabloids. Brillo pad man is being replaced by a woman called Ferrari. His weekend stand-in is fighting back by reading the news with no bra. It's cut throat, I tell you.
Gravitas - ur doin in wrong.
The best bit of the new tv is accidental though. It is, mysteriously, set to some kind of visual commentary, I assume for the blind. We don't know how to turn it off, and frankly, I am starting to really like it. At first, when it came on during children's programmes, I thought nothing of it. The eery and disapproving female voice seemed an odd addition, admittedly: "Makka Pakka takes his sponge and washes the Ninky Nonk"; "The tellytubbies fall to the ground, waving their legs", but I was busy trying to pick glitter off the tortoises whilst trying to stall Tony's plan for me to achieve world domination through the medium of eurotedium. Later, however, as I zapped around, I happened on Scornful Lady commenting on the credits to Friends.
"The five friends cavort in a fountain" she sneered "to a medley of scenes from previous series".
Wow. I think she's my new girl crush!
Next, I came across her on Holby City. Holby City, non-British people, is an absysmal and incestuous hospital drama. Everyone has already slept with everyone else in this West Country hospital and all that is left for them is to start again, or possibly die. Sometimes, to mix it up a little, they get off with patients instead. It is most notable for its lightning-swift promotions of favoured characters. If you are pushing a trolley or emptying bed pans one week, but you wear a turtle neck well, you can confidently expect to be performing a high risk craniotomy on one of your colleagues the next week.
She is the perfect foil to the clunky clunky acting and woeful plot."Jac, who has overheard Faye and Joseph, looks shocked, then determined" she says with heavy irony. "Rick stares wistfully at the photo on his desk". I can hear the arch of her eyebrows. "Elliott squeezes Ric's shoulder in a gesture of solidarity". She enunciates every word with glassy disdain.
Hee! I am gleeful. Now I want to hear her do all sorts. Films with Tom Cruise! Show jumping! Eastenders! I would hate to hear her commentary on something I really enjoy though. She could spoil it for you in one well chosen phrase. Actually, that could come in handy. I might introduce her to Pokémon.