Tuesday, 9 September 2008

Scornful lady - my new crush

We have a new tv. One of those newfangled flat ones, with English channels. It is a strange and wonderful thing. Last night the CFO and I watched a programme about a man with a fruit and vegetable phobia. He was required to hold a spear of asparagus for five minutes and kept retching. Actually, that could have been Belgian, poor example. I squealed with excitement, though, since it featured the office GP who first sent me to the hilarious "I specialise in lawyers" psychiatrist I used to see. She was looking very fetching in a lab coat, pouring curry sauce over a pretend liver made out of a sponge. Clearly, the last 3 years have been good to her, since I tottered into her basement surgery with my tale of death, abortion, hair loss, eating disorders, panic and inability to answer the phone.

The tv is good though, and saves me from the sycophantic and insular doom of French tv news, where the choice is between a man with Brillo pad hair plugs and a man with alarming eyebrows telling me exactly the same 'news' story about some venerable maker of shoe laces fashioned from Camembert rind in his workshop in Larzac. Or reporting on whether goats in Brittany are depressed. Or which farmers have been dumping pig shit where this week. When we lived in Paris, there were two whole weeks devoted to counting down to the opening of a new viaduct. I watched in mounting incredulity.

"This is not news. In what way is this news? A change in the diet of wild partridges in Lot et Garonne is not news." I tell the CFO daily, snatching for the remote, but he has been brought up on a diet of such nonsense, and an evening without le journal de TF1 is inconceivable for him. It is no surprise that there is no content, as the drama all happens off screen, where they are busy having affairs with each other and in-fighting, as heavily featured in the French tabloids. Brillo pad man is being replaced by a woman called Ferrari. His weekend stand-in is fighting back by reading the news with no bra. It's cut throat, I tell you.

Hair plugs



Gravitas - ur doin in wrong.

The best bit of the new tv is accidental though. It is, mysteriously, set to some kind of visual commentary, I assume for the blind. We don't know how to turn it off, and frankly, I am starting to really like it. At first, when it came on during children's programmes, I thought nothing of it. The eery and disapproving female voice seemed an odd addition, admittedly: "Makka Pakka takes his sponge and washes the Ninky Nonk"; "The tellytubbies fall to the ground, waving their legs", but I was busy trying to pick glitter off the tortoises whilst trying to stall Tony's plan for me to achieve world domination through the medium of eurotedium. Later, however, as I zapped around, I happened on Scornful Lady commenting on the credits to Friends.

"The five friends cavort in a fountain" she sneered "to a medley of scenes from previous series".

Wow. I think she's my new girl crush!

Next, I came across her on Holby City. Holby City, non-British people, is an absysmal and incestuous hospital drama. Everyone has already slept with everyone else in this West Country hospital and all that is left for them is to start again, or possibly die. Sometimes, to mix it up a little, they get off with patients instead. It is most notable for its lightning-swift promotions of favoured characters. If you are pushing a trolley or emptying bed pans one week, but you wear a turtle neck well, you can confidently expect to be performing a high risk craniotomy on one of your colleagues the next week.

She is the perfect foil to the clunky clunky acting and woeful plot."Jac, who has overheard Faye and Joseph, looks shocked, then determined" she says with heavy irony. "Rick stares wistfully at the photo on his desk". I can hear the arch of her eyebrows. "Elliott squeezes Ric's shoulder in a gesture of solidarity". She enunciates every word with glassy disdain.

Hee! I am gleeful. Now I want to hear her do all sorts. Films with Tom Cruise! Show jumping! Eastenders! I would hate to hear her commentary on something I really enjoy though. She could spoil it for you in one well chosen phrase. Actually, that could come in handy. I might introduce her to Pokémon.


justme said...

Sounds wonderful......now, I wonder if she is on my telly too??
Sadly however, the telly is now hooked up to so many games machines and sound systems that I no longer understand how to make it work at all... Oh the joys of living with a young man!

Persephone said...

I'm confused. "Ferrari" (is that her name, nature, or what she drives?) is wearing something under her top, although it's difficult to see whether it's actually a bra; it may be what we call a "tank top" here (in Canada -- in the U.S. too, I think). Or is "Ferrari" doing the weekend news at all?

We had descriptive video by accident about ten years ago. Nothing to do with our T.V., PBS broadcast it by mistake. It was rather poetic, if distracting, although it did point out details I might otherwise have missed.

Jaywalker said...

Persephone - you need to follow the hyperlink to find the bra-less newsreader. Ferrari (Laurence Ferrari) is indeed clothed. Ish.

Justme - sounds like he might know how to find her then. She is very good value!

girl with the mask said...

What kind of a name is Ferrari?

I might call my kid Ford Escort.

Jaywalker said...

Clementine Ford Escort. Sounds posh. Go for it.

La Belette Rouge said...

A man who is afraid of asparagus. Wow! I thought I had heard it all. If only I could get this show. I would love to see a psychiatrist who specializes in lawyers. As good as your Ferarri sounds, I want to go back to the first show.

I feel sure that man with fruit and veg phobia will not come to your blog. Well, perhaps now that the contest is over the coast is clear.

I am also intrigued by the depressed goats in Brittany. Le sigh! I wish I could get European TV in the states.

Jaywalker said...

He was a laugh a minute, Belette (legal psychiatrist). He kept saying things like "I bet you're really desperate to get back to work" and "Your desire for perfection and your workaholism must be difficult". Er, no. And no due to not having either. I felt a complete fraud!

Careful for what you wish for. French tv is really really really bad. They have a homemade version of CSI that never fails to have me rolling on the floor in hysteria.

La Belette Rouge said...

You say "rolling on the floor in hysteria" like it is a bad thing.;-)

Persephone said...

Okay, I gotcha...
I think you'd need to be looking awfully close to notice, despite the comment from Violette who thinks it's flaming obvious. Maybe it's different on a big flat-screen television. (I love that one of the comments on the braless newsreader has the handle "April22" --that's my birthday!)

SUEB0B said...

That sounds so great! It might be worth moving to Belgium just to see it.

The braless lady has nothing on our Spanish-language lady news readers. They sit in miniskirts at a frontless desk.

La Belette Rouge said...

Just a moment ago I saw two goat stories on CNN. Story one was about goats that are bread to faint and the second was about goats that are used to clear brush in L.A. I feel certain that if I stay tuned there will be a story about a depressed goat.

Must be careful what I wish for.

tartetartan said...

Just had to give you an award. It's over at mine if you would like to collect it? TTx

A Confused Take That Fan said...

I love the sound of your news. Pig shit is so much nicer than people being stabbed, or people being skint, which is what we tend to get here in UK. I even like the look of brillo pad hair man.

blogthatmama said...

How can you tell they're hair plugs? I'm intrigued.. Or blind, maybe

Nikki said...

Hee...I have a love for the closed captioning on our TV-- where they run the dialogue across the bottom of the screen for deaf people. We started using it when Nan was a baby, and we didn't want to wake her, but now I'm addicted to it. I like to read my TV. I'm a loon.

Jaywalker said...

Belette - you can't just tantalise me with this throwaway line about fainting goats; details please!

Persephone - You have a French twin! I think the bra-lessness is noticeable because the actual content of the programme is so stultifyingly dull. Your attention inevitably wanders. This also answers blogthatmama's question about the hair plugs.

SueBob - I suppose that's one way of getting the audience figures. I wouldn't put it past La Ferrari to try that.

Nikki - You may be a loon, but you're a lovely one. Sometimes I have that as well as Scornful Lady. Very useful when watching The Wire, I find.

CTTF - Talking of brit news, is it me or has Krishnan Guru Murphy got really porky? Is that why they make him stand up while the girl gets to sit down?


peevish said...

I would love to hear that voice-over woman narrate Showgirls.

peevish said...

And America's Next Top Model.

Jaywalker said...

Oooh good idea Peevish. I am going to get her to do Strictly Come Dancing this weekend. That should be fun.

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