Sunday, 28 September 2008

The Oliver James bad parenting scoreboard

Continuing on the fruitful theme of how lovely Oliver James is, I thought we could inaugurate:

The Oliver James Bad Parenting Scoreboard

Consider what you've been up to this week. Would Oliver approve? You don't have children? Doesn't matter, Oliver disapproves of you anyway. Score yourself against the following variables and let's see whether Oliver needs to take your children, pets or indeed you yourself into care. He'll do it, you know, but he'll do it For Your Own Good.

I've scored myself. La la la.

Absence from parental nest of slavery:

1 night

Collection of spawn from school:

1/5 days


Daily short outbursts.


Moderate, constant. 2 "fucking hell Lashes"

Trailer trash meals :

Uncle Ben's microwave rice with frozen peas, "Pizza" (ready roll dough + Dolmio), 2 Apéro dinners (Doritos, cucumber, ham). Urk.

Parental threats to cry complete with trembly voice and lip:

One incident - weebly voiced Jaywalker "I know you're very sad about the Yu Gi Oh cards Lashes BUT I FEEL LIKE CRYING TOO! I am very very tired and my feet hurt*". Boys look blankly at me for a nanosecond in a sort of "and your point is?" fashion, then start bickering again.


1 pretend toaster, 3 Makka Pakkas, 1 Matchbox car, 1 plastic dragon

"Oh shut up":

40 per child

"Your father will GO MAD if he sees you doing that":


Hours in front of TV:

Children - 15; parents - 25

Meals in front of TV:

Children - 3; parents - 7

I'm giving myself a sort of thin lipped moue of disapproval. Like this:

(I know, I know, the picture is terrible, but look at his expression! Priceless).

To celebrate the restoration of the internets and a surprisingly positive score from Oliver (no, really. This was a good week.), I am also offering you this photo of Lashes (3/10 for behaviour at school this week) yesterday, deciding what else to cover in red paint.

Quick! Get that child his cortisol smoothie!

* The person (curlywurlyhifi) who told me about the evil MBT trainers drawing blood within seconds - you were right. You were so so right.


zoe said...

Oh dear, I scored pretty badly there in every section. I'll just hide amongst your shoes for a while until OJ has gone.

justme said...

Well.....I look at people like him, and think I may be a sad useless individual, but at least I am not a sanctimonious judgemental git with no lips! Yay for me!
According to him, I was a USELESS parent, and yet my son is the most gorgeous, well adjusted, fantastic 18 year old you could ever hope to meet. Everyone says so. SO THERE! Bet his kids are horrible. (Does he have any? I hope not really. Poor things....)

Red Shoes said...

Please, what is a Makka Pakka?

Jaywalker said...

Goodness, it has been satisfying trashing Oliver James. Thanks for joining in, peeps.

Zoe and justme - you and your children are ace. Oliver is not. FACT.

Redshoes - It's a small animated turdlike creature with OCD. I'll post a picture of one soon.

curlywurlyfi said...

oh no. I am sorry to hear you too have been savaged by the ugly footwear. I had hoped it might just have been my own personal anatomical idiosyncracies that made them grate off most of my heel in under 30 mins wear, but...

Jaywalker said...

Curlywurly - yes! Bastard shoes! I am on my fifteenth Compeed. But, oh, shoe snake oil. I keep trying to believe despite all evidence to the contrary.

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