Wednesday, 10 September 2008

I hate myself

"I'm going to do it" I say, putting my head round Matilda's door, where she and Alice are doing real work.

"No. Really? Are you sure. Have you thought about this properly?"

"Yes. Totally. I've been talking about it, and thinking about it so long, I really think the time has come".

"God. Emma. How are you going to live with yourself?"

"I really don't know. Will you still speak to me?"

"I don't know. Probably not. Certainly not when you're wearing them".

I am going to get a pair of MBTs.

You all know what they are, right? Hideous, hideous orthapaedic looking footwear offering the quixotic promise of thinner thighs. They really are among the nastiest things you can put on your feet, but god, the promise of thinner thighs merely through wearing ugly shoes, mmm, it is seductive. I have been wavering for ages, but after a transitional FitFlop phase, which has prepared me for the shame and opprobrium of people staring in blank horror and dread at your feet, I feel ready. (Belette, this is your fault by the way, for being the acceptable, nay, delightful, face of MBT wearers) Also, because this is Belgium and not London, I feel like most people will just assume I have really really bad taste and not know that in fact I have sacrificed my sense of shame and propriety on the altar of groundless promises of thin thighs.

Alice is shaking her head.

"You do know that J has some?" she says


J is a senior Eurodrone. He looks exceptionally like Danny De Vito playing the Penguin in Batman.

"Yes, it's true" confirms Matilda, gleefully. "I've seen him wearing them. They're brown lace up ones, like ornithologists and people who visit National Trust properties wear".

"Jesus, people, you're ruining it for me! Really? Truly?"

"Not only that" says Alice "but last week I saw him FALL OVER in them. He sort of lost his balance and rocked backwards and forwards like one of those wobbly man toys. He had to grab on to the photocopier to get himself upright again"


"I couldn't even laugh, he was deadly deadly serious. But now, when I'm having a bad day, I think about it"


"Yup. He'll see you in them and want to talk about thighs. And firmness. And your 'core'"

"From one user to another"

"I am not listening! La la la la. I'm going anyway. You can't stop me"

"You have to show us when you get back. If we don't approve we'll make you take them back"

I run away and go to the MBT shop of shame. It is, mercifully, a normal running shoe shop staffed by 2 super relaxed Belgian guys. They don't judge me for my insane vanity. I scan the display, blushing fiercely, and desperately select what seem to be the least 'special' looking ones.

"Have you tried them before?" asks the nice man with the goatee.


"Ok, well the important thing is not to look down"

"Why? Because they're so ugly?"

"No, so you don't fall over. There. That's right; just look straight ahead. There's a mirror over there if you want to check out how they look"

"Er, no. No thanks. Best not I think"

It turns out they don't have the ones I can live with in my size, but I go ahead and order them anyway. They arrive in a week. There will be photos.


curlywurlyfi said...

Better thighs through footwear is an alluring prospect, so I also bought some MBTs. The tale does not end well. Donned them to walk through Hyde Park to work (about 45 mins). By the top of Exhibition Road the blisters on my heels were so bad I was actually crying + had to get a taxi the rest of the way. Then couldn't wear proper shoes for an entire week. I'm just saying, that's all.

Jaywalker said...

Ohno. Death by blister. I hadn't even thought of that, I was fixating on the crimes against aesthetics. Oh dear curlywurly, poor you. I had better stock up on the compeed then. Have your thighs, like, melted though? (SAY YES)

curlywurlyfi said...

Thighs did not melt since I promptly sold the (horrid bloodstained things, like something Lady Macbeth might have worn) to a colleague who clearly has entirely differently shaped heels than I + skips about in them like a weebly gazelle. Please note FitFlops also a total waste of time on the firming front, + I speak as one who (like an idiot) owns two pairs.

valley girl said...

I gave up on attractive footwear a long time ago - in fact I have just tramped through Clapham in v unflattering but v.v. comfy pair of Ecco rubber sandals.

Antonia said...

In summer I live in Fitflops and in winter in MBTs. However, this winter I will not be carrying a child either in me or on my back and I'm dusting off my boots again.

Like curlywurlyfi, I always end up with back-of-the-heel blisters unless I wear tights or those ghastly pop-sock anklet things.

BUT, MBTs are good. I used to work in the City and when I was pregnant, I stopped cycling and used to get my exercise by walking the 3 miles home instead. So I bought the MBTs. They make walking bouncier and more fun.

Also, our old bed used to be uncomfortable and whenever I woke up with a stiff back, half an hour's MBT walking sorted it out.

Yes I look like a lesbian librarian in them. Only downfall. However, I lost a good deal of pregnancy weight by walking around in them, so whoopee.

La Belette Rouge said...

No, really!! You will love yourself for this brilliant purchase. I LOVE them and as your legs improve you will find that these fantastic shoes become beautiful.I think that these shoes are like wearing intelligence on your feet and intelligence is sexy. Hence, MBT's are sexy.

I am in love with mine. I bought a orange and white pair. I am going to buy the all white ones next and I am not a gal who enjoys an ugly shoe and I have never-ever visited a National Trust property.

I hope you love them as much as I do. If not, feel free to blame me. And, you can send me the unwanted shoes if you wear a size 10.;-)

Léonie said...

I prefer the ankle boots. Surely four inch heels also tone the leg? Come now. Let's not be silly.

NB. When talking about these sorts of things it is vitally important that you talk about legs and things in the singular, a la Trinny and Susannah. Tone the leg, flatter the upper arm, lengthen the buttock, etc. Otherwise you look like a rank amateur and will not ever get your own fashion programme, which you could then combine with Village Feterie.

I feel for curlywurly, and applaud the use of the phrase "weebly gazelle". I put it to you, though, that you would not have given the shoes away if they had been pretty. Blood-soaked or otherwise.

screamish said...

MBTs?? Uh? Sometimes I thank god I am such a social recluse, I have no idea what these things are...but they sound frightening.

Lulu LaBonne said...

Sorry - I think you you should step away from those shoes. Get a pogo stick, that's bouncy too and sounds like more fun

peevish said...

I'm gonna have to say NO! The opposite of the Nike ads: Just don't do it! Can't you just buy some Danskos? At least some of them are cute.

justme said...

Nooooooooo! Don't do it. It wont work anyway.......
Though anyone who would listen to me on the subject of shoes......well..... I dont like things on my feet. ( apart from toes. They are nice.)

A Confused Take That Fan said...

Ohmygod, what are these dreadful things? And how come I have never heard of them? Are they some sort of Belgian signature shoe? I think they are ugly. And that comes from someone who has visited a national trust property. TWICE in the last month. God, that's depressing...

siddalee said...

Hello! I must comment because I too thought firm thighs via walking in unsightly shoes was a possibility. I have the high MBTs in black and they are very, very ugly! But they work, honestly, I do have slimmer thighs by wearing them 5 days a week and around 10,000 steps a day. START SLOWLY though and wear the ugly little socks and possibly your feet will not bleed.

parisgirl said...

They are truly hideous.
Sorry to be such a party pooper but:

On the other hand, since you are prepared to commit crimes against fashion so we don't have to...let us know if they work!

KSV Woolfoot said...

Maybe you should consider relocating to rural New England. Not one woman in a thousand here wears uncomfortable shoes for any reason. We all look pretty much awful. Sweaters and clogs and sneakers everywhere. Your friends at work would weep to see us.

Jaywalker said...

Now this is getting interesting. The jury is split! Paris Girl brings references to the table. Siddalee, Belette and Antonia have personal testimonials. Everyone except Belette thinks they are ugly as fuck. We are all, apparently in agreement that there will be blood.

Peevish thinks I should get Danskos - kessako? Show me these Danskos Peevish.

KSV wants me to move to New England. That could be arranged. She has lizards out there you know.

Léonie makes an excellent point. In future I shall refer to the thigh. Hopefully because the thighs will be so small they can easily be mistaken for a single thigh.

I will update when the shoe (see what I did there Léonie?)arrives.

A Confused Take That Fan said...

I just saw Geri Halliwell in OK magazine wearing them in LA. With shorts. Does that swing you either way?

Jaywalker said...

I tend to think against, CTTF. Hmm.

Dani said...

I know not of which you speak. I need a thinner belly, got any shoes for that?

Jaywalker said...

[whispers] I had a tummy tuck Dani. Marvellous, if terribly painful. No stomach eating shoes that I know of. Maybe try the Stomach Cake?

fit flop said...

There are a lot of companies that are now offering shoes with added benefits - each with their own design and technology.

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