Thursday, 4 September 2008


Fragment 1

BMF and I are emailing.

E: So, I have the glasses, I have the bondage boots and I'm wearing the shroud dress with the pouch. My desk still has a box of men's thongs on it. AND STILL THEY COME. Asking me questions. Making me do their tedious, tedious bidding. Droning on, interminably and stealing my chocolate. What more can I do to make myself scary and unapproachable?

BMF: A hat. You definitely need a hat. Or, and I am quivering with excitement as I type this, Daphne Guinness-esque Shaun Leane knuckle dusters. Go on go on go on.

E: I like. Yet again, you confirm to me why we must always be friends.

BMF: I have a better idea! Go and look at Roisin Murphy's video for Overpowered. I defy anyone to question you dressed like this.

E: Oh yes. Yes yes yes. Now that would SO WORK. But where, do you suppose, one sources a giant padded fabric chess board?

BMF: It could be your next craft project. I am thinking you might need to tone it down a little for work. But not the hat. The hat stays as per video. And the enormity of the clothing item. The rest you are free to do whatever inspires you.

E: Maybe I could incorporate my rolls of sticky plastic?

Fragment 2

The CFO comes home with a bunch of flowers for me.

E: What on earth have you bought me flowers for? You never come bearing unsolicited gifts. Not since 1996.

CFO: I am SO SO SO proud that Tony says they've cancelled your interview because they thought you were asking for too much money*. This is my proudest moment ever.

E: I did it for you, you know that?

CFO: I never thought this day would come. I had given up hoping.

Fragment 3

The Euromasters are dimly aware that the mumblings of discontent among the basement zombies are getting near deafening. They can barely hear themselves think to count their money. In order to raise morale they have organised a day trip for us! I am quoting verbatim from the invitation here:

You are cordially invited to a One day sailing which will take place in Holland "Oosterschelde".The Oosterschelde is a river, we are not going into the open sea.
If you are still not confident and think you will get seasick, we will have medecines with us to distribute in the coach.
[sic. oh so very sic all of it]

Particular highlights hidden away in the invitation include - the four hour coach trip. A "regatta" - this is hidden away in a tiny font. Regatta - that's like, a competition right? Argh. The leave time - 8am - and return time - 10:30 pm.

I forward to BMF. He is gleeful.

BMF: I am actually crying real tears of joy here. They are running down my cheeks. My intern is really worried about me. The throwaway reference to the regatta! How much do you want to bet there will be branded T-shirts?

E: Oh yes. And caps. And shouting. Don't forget the shouting.

BMF: "We are not going on the open sea". Oh go on. Please.

E: If the choice is between this and death, I choose death.

BMF: You are pathetic. Remember I endured the work ski trip IN A SHARED BEDROOM.

E: I still can't quite believe you did that. Were 'medecines' provided on the coach?

Fragment 4

Violet: The shoes are great, but I had a terrible shot of cold panic when I saw you on the bath. That is a total DTI statistic in the making.

E: Ridiculous. I have checked. 308 accidents in 2002 involving photographic equipment. That makes it less than HALF as dangerous as air freshener (902 accidents - you must go play with this tool people). And even less dangerous than 'cake or scone' (492 accidents).

Violet: Never underestimate a scone.

*Never fear, I have another interview. Tony is tireless.