Wednesday, 20 August 2008

Men are from the Federal Reserve, Women are from Belgium

The window of hate opportunity has closed, but it will return soon. Carefully preserve your bile, wrap it in layers of tissue paper, put it in a safe place and bring it out next time. I shouldn't imagine it will be long..

In recent weeks, the CFO has been trying to grasp what makes me blog and bend it to his money-spinning will. It came to a head last night. The spreadsheets that populate his brain were whirring round vainly as he stared, expressionless, at the marrowdile.

"People are sending you vegetables?"

"Pictures of them, yes"


"For fun. Because we find it amusing."

"Pourquoi?" [this is starting to feel like a conversation with a three year old]

"Because carved vegetables are amusing. Bad cakes are amusing too, look at this!" [I proudly show him Guy Verhofstadt in all his fondant glory]

"Bof**. It is quite realistic but he is too pink. And why is his hair green? So. The blogue makes you money, yes? People pay to see these vegetables?"

"No. No money"

"But can't you put publicité on it? And get money?"

"No. Publicité are ugly. I only want nice things on my blogue, I mean blog."

"So. You could be making money, but you choose not to. This is so stupid. You like shoes, non? And bowls? And sushi? And stupid magazines with pictures of famous people with capitons***? And what is so beautiful about this 'marreaudile' anyway?!"

"I don't think it would make me any actual money. I mean, it might cover my morning coffee I suppose."

"Couldn't you do a blogue that makes money? Or a useful one? You could write about [the Bearded One's business]! That would be really useful AND make money. Yes! You make this into a proper blogue!"

"No. I can't. I won't allow it." [pompously] "This is my integrity as an artiste we are talking about here!"

"Pfff, so stupid. Et tu te fous de moi* on this blogue. I know you do. There is even a picture of mes tongs and I know you hate them. Why do all this, spend all this time FOR NOTHING?"

At this point I fear his brain may short circuit at the idea of effort without financial reward. I cast around desperately for an analogy to soothe the liquidity crisis in his mind.

"You know how you love the tortoises?"


"And you look after them and worry about them and order them new neon lamps on the internet and check their weight/length ratio and prepare them plates of Reptoboost and trim their nails?"


"Well my blog is like the tortoises. It gives no financial reward but it gives me great pleasure. Can you understand that?"

"Aha. Yes. Now that is a good idea. You should do a tortoise blogue. We could have a tortoise advice page. I am sure we could get lots of publicité! There is a definite gap in the market."

At this point I sent him away to play with some lengths of cabling.

*You take the piss out of me
** He really does say 'pff' and 'bof'. Mon partner, ce big fat cliché.
*** cellulite


La Belette Rouge said...

"Aha. Yes. Now that is a good idea. You should do a tortoise blogue. We could have a tortoise advice page. I am sure we could get lots of publicité! There is a definite gap in the market."
LOL!!!!!!!ROFL( I think that means I am rolling on the floor laughing, if it doesn't it is what I meant to say).

Yet another blog post I have to read to my Woozle. I just had a conversation with him about how I would never-ever-ever sully my blog with crap advertising. Happily he understood. But, the CFO could easily convince him I should somehow finagle a profit out of my blog as I also like shoes and sushi and bowls and stupid magazines with pictures of famous people with capitons***?

And, side note to CFO: The marrowdile is objectively beautiful. Many might say that the marrowdile is more beautiful than tortoises.;-)

Jaywalker said...

Belette - ha, you make me giggle. He is very persuasive, I can totally see him explaining this to the He-Weasle. I find that a totally irrational tantrum is usually good for putting him back in his box though.
Thank you so much for your marrowdile love. The marrowdile may be heading for stardom on Monday! Watch this space!

Persephone said...

Take care that "bof-man" ("Tales from Bof-man"? There's a blog title!) doesn't read this.

Jaywalker said...

Persephone - Oh god, I will! He must not know this.

screamish said...

Actually, can you ask him how long turtles live? I've been thinking of buying one. My landlady downstairs got given one by her daughter recently but she can't let it loose because the turtle moves faster than she does (she's 86).

Should I get celebratory turtles for the birth of my twin? This is my question.

Jaywalker said...

Hey Screamish,

Turtles live a reeeeaaally long time, like 60 years. if nothing bad happens like a penisectomy (sorry Julius) or dying during hibernation in the vegetable crisper in the fridge (sorry Google).

Hmm. I am not sure you should combine TWINS (lie down! rest!) with temperamental pets. A goldfish is nice. Go crazy! Get two!

black said...

bridal online shop bridal gowns wholesale wedding dresses high quality bridal gowns wholesale custom wedding dresses wedding apparel wedding dresses top sellers wedding dresses2010 new arrivals 2010 new arrivals wedding dresses beach wedding dresses Luxury Wedding Dresses plus size wedding dresses wedding party dresses bridesmaid dresses junior bridesmaid dresses flower girl dresses mother of bride dresses wedding shoes wedding bags wedding accessories evening dresses prom dresses cocktail dresses quinceanera dresses little black dresses