Saturday, 23 August 2008

In hell, back soon

What does the weekend hold for you, Emma? I hear you chorus in your threes, and sometimes even fours.



I am so glad you asked. I will be attending the wedding of the CFO's younger brother which is taking place in a windowless concrete bunker in rural Normandy. The whole operation will last approximately 30 sleepless hours. All available foodstuffs will be culled from the internal organs of large ruminants. Over a hundred pissed peasants will gather to recriminate with one another about who cut down the oak tree in Oncle Claude's yard. Synthetic fibres will brush against one in erotically charged choreography. My children will be forced to dress up like pageboys at Kerry Katona's forty third wedding. My dress will be too small and my heels too high, and my giant Spanx pants will cut off my circulation. One of the CFO's aunts will vomit and throw food as she always does. The CFO will tell me off for looking narky. I will fall alseep in a corner after failing to understand a word Oncle Claude says. What larks, internet, what larks.


Can I ask you to do something for me in my brief, reluctant absence? Could you screw your creative energies to the sticking place and see if you can assemble me a few more village fête entries? The Guardian (yes! really! That Guardian. Not the 'Charleroi Gardien') may be featuring the village fête in a tiny corner of its website on Monday, if I can believe the quixotic emailed promises of a lovely journo called Sarah. I would so love to have some really special stuff to show them. Please? Craft?

Here's the deal. If I get 5 new entries - however feeble - by Monday I promise to do whichever of the following tickles your fancy:

- Make a Mexican wrestling costume for one of the tortoises and photograph them wearing it;
- Make another Belgian politician cake (please no);
- Do a photographic demonstration of the Belgian political landscape using potatoes

Can't say fairer than that....

10 comments:

Persephone said...

I love weddings --- when they are happening to someone else's family...

A Confused Take That Fan said...

Oh how horrendous. You poor poor lady. Hope it is not too torturous...
As for Fete entries...I am just not funny enough. Sorry.

peevish said...

What time is Monday in Belgium?

mountainear said...

Something with potatoes please - the prospect of another Belqian politician is too scary.

livesbythewoods said...

Check your email....

La Belette Rouge said...

Hope you are having a better time than you imagined. I wish I had my weasels with me--I would do something with them for the fete. Drats!!!

Good luck and look forward to celebrating your fame and fortune that will undoubtedly come with the Guardian piece--that and seeing tortoises in Mexican costumes.;-)

peevish said...

I've sent my most recent contribution, and would love to see costumed tortoises, or another cake.

p.s. my word verification word is:
blrryeed. This should be a word, meaning stink-eyed drunk.

Adriane said...

will you make tiny masks for the tortises? How about gloves? Must have capes!

Luchadores de Tortuga!

Jaywalker said...

Hi Ariane! I like your style! Yes all of the above (the gloves could be tricky, but hey). One more fête entry and I'll get stitching.

Peevish - walrus o clock, I think. You know the Belgians. Also, let me say that there were a LOT of blrryeed people at this wedding. Not pretty.


Belette - the Guardian are plagiarising bastards. But at least they let Tallulah in.

Persephone - next time I'll send you then. But wait til you read about it before you agree...

CTTF - I don't believe you. I bet late one evening the craft virus will overcome you. It happens!

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