Sunday, 3 August 2008

A fantasy, some remorse, and a crab

Today we have been playing "what would you do if you had all the money in the world", that wholly productive inter-generational game to take your mind off the fetid heaps of washing, general squalor and belief that drilling red hot spikes through your eyeballs would be preferable to continuing your miserable existence as apathetic Eurodrone.

To resume:

CFO: Give up work. Go live on goat farm at arse end of universe with a heap of kites, tortoises and machinery.

Lashes: Buy 40 000 lizards and train them to look for money people have dropped on the street.

Me: I have done this before on here, but today's embellishments included: Give up work. Buy Paris. Require all Parisians to go and live in Nether Poppleton. Import inhabitants of Brussels to Paris thereby creating best city in world. Transform whole Ile St Louis into nature reserve peopled by Kiki and his hos. Live reclusive life surrounded by shoes, macaroons and small neatly trimmed misanthropic dogs.

Fingers: Get a Playmobil rubbish truck.

I feel this must say something significant about us, but what precisely eludes me.

In other musings, I am seeking to understand the odd paradox at the heart of my food shopping (this is just a way of trying to make something appallingly dull sound more, ya know, clever/interesting). It goes like this:

- No food in house. Eat toast/fishfingers until sick of toast/fishfingers. Must go to shops.

- Go to shops. Buy lots of healthy, worthy, organic, raw and frankly dull foods.

- Bring them home, put them in fridge, feel glow of contentment and smugness. Imagine balanced healthy delicious meals with smiling contented family.

- [Moments later] Get hungry. Open fridge. Look at worthy organic foods. Dark night of the soul commences. Feelings of despair, rage and general emptyness consume me. Where are my trans fats? Where is my high salt content? Where is my crapola cellophane packaging? Damn you Belgium with your proper foods and absence of acceptably middle-class crap for lazy people.

- Find reason not to cook smug raw stuff ('because I am lazy/tired/mired in existential despair' mainly) and eat toast/fishfingers.

- Experience rising levels of guilt every time I open fridge. Ignore. Freeze any meat self-deludingly purchased. Eat more toast/fishfingers.

- Week later: shove everything in the bin. Experience crippling guilt.

- Cycle starts again.

Am I alone in this vicious circle of eco-terrorism? Is there any escape?

The robotic crab would like to remind you to wash your hands. Or it will nip them off.


Vanessa said...

Here's yet another reason to love your blog--I thought I was the only one oppressed by the correctness of the contents of my own fridge! Having just purchased several bags of produce to support local farming, I'm off to order a tacky pizza for delivery before they even have a chance to rot and shame me.

Jaywalker said...

Oh thank god for you Vanessa, I am not alone. I think we should view the rotting expensive produce as a sacrifice to placate the gods of the fridge. That might work, no?

Vanessa said...

North America has your back during the month of August--we never get a f-cking break! I'm choosing to view the produce as "doing my part" to keep those damned boutique family farms in business, since they're not bringing to market anything that actual hungry people could afford. I think I have just realized that the entire global food crisis is actually my fault. I'd better go pull the blinds and eat an entire cake now.

Jaywalker said...

I think I'm joining you Vanessa. Hope that cake is brimming with delicious trans-fats though. None of that agave syrup either.
We'll get through August together, somehow. I'm planning to carve a marrow.

Parisgirl said...

If you buy Paris, could we please be allowed to stay? None of us is Parisian, not even La Fille who was born in the banlieue.

Jaywalker said...

But of course ParisGirl. I wouldn't banish you to Nether Poppleton where the Parisians will all be saying
"C'est quoi ce 'Londis'?"
"On essaie les Cheesy Wotsit cette fois?"