Thursday, 21 August 2008

Apocrypha: The Book of Belgium Chapter 1, verses 5-7

And it came to pass in the land of Belgium that the Lord sent a great darkness and the waters of the great deep were broken up and the floodgates of heaven were opened and a great flood covered the land of Belgium for forty seven days and forty seven nights.

And even unto Knokke le Zoute* the darkness came and the only creatures that rejoiceth were the unclean, the lowly and the slimy and there was much wailing and gnashing of teeth and the people of the land of Belgium were sore afraid. And verily the women of Flanders went in great numbers unto the tanning booths.

And the people of Belgium said unto the Lord "Why oh Lord hast thou in thy infinite wisdom sent us this shitty summer? Hast thou forsaken us? Is it because of the Flemish nationalists? Dost the website "boobs for belgium" displease thee? We repent our sins and promise to get a government."

And the Lord said unto Belgium "who the fuck are you?"

And the people of Belgium said "We oh Lord are thy people of the low countries. We suffer mightily from vitamin D deficiency and thou hast sent a plague of slugs even unto us. Dost thou not remember? Hast thou forgotten to take thy fish oils? "

And the Lord said "Oh yes. People of the low countries. I remember now. Return to thy villages and I shall send a sign."

And on the forty eighth day there came to pass in the land of Belgium that a fiery ball was seen in the sky and the people of the land of Belgium looked in wonder at the glowing ball in the sky and they saw that it was good. And they went unto Knokke Le Zoute and rended their vestments asunder and fell to the earth in worship of the fiery ball.

And the Lord said unto the people of Belgium "Take this fiery ball as a sign of my covenant that every year without fail I will forget to give you a summer, and fuck around with your heads by giving you two days of nice weather in April and then two more in September. Now go away."

And the people of Belgium gave thanks unto the Lord and bulk-bought St Tropez Everyday.

(* Read this link, at least as far as the Jacques Brel song. I command it!)


zoe said...

Why the fuck is everyone complaining about this summer? Have you forgotten LAST summer? The summer-that-was-not?

Geez Emma, what was I wearing when I forgot to kill you? Strappy, weren't it. Time to take this killing matter seriously - email me with a date - I'm off to sunbathe.

Jaywalker said...

You must have some kind of a microclimate going on Zoe. Possibly in your head. Can't quite remember what you were wearing what with the wine, and trying not to get killed, but you are right, we did sit outside. I stand corrected.

I was thinking we could get together to try and make a miniature Belgium on a tray for the Fête. You in?

zoe said...

Oh YES! When? May I use a knife?

parisgirl said...

I did strappy in Toulouse last week. Result: goosebumps. Not a good look. It hit 17C and my arms nearly dropped off. It was the same last year and the year before and the year before....

valley girl said...

Fiery ball? What's that? Something we might have seen for about 48 hours in May. Summer is officially over in the UK- never mind self-tan, it's too cold to even wear summer clothes. I'm planning my Christmas holidays.

Jaywalker said...

Zoe - no way can you have a knife. No. Will mail you.

PG/VG - We should enter the Olympics as the Team GB's crack meteorological complaining squad. We rule.

justme said...

I can't believe how cold I am today.....I will NOT give up summer clothes, because as it is, we have to spend way too long in sludge coloured woollen things. I have however, just put the central heating on........ oh woe! And its raining again too........
The Village Fete will be ruined!

La Belette Rouge said...

2 days of summer? Well, I have endured summer since March and there is no sign of it ending her in sunny Southern California. But, I am a sun hater--so this brings me no joy.

In regards to the Fête, I have no knife skills. I am really dangerous with a knife and regularly and inadvertently hack fingers when trying to cut cucumbers. I am so bad that the Woozle comes into the kitchen to do the cutting when serious knife skills are necessary.

As I am so untalented I have nothing to contribute to the fête but my admiration and awe at your skills and talent.

Samsara said...

Verily says the Lord, fear ye not people of the lowlands, I have not forsaken thee so much as the entire continent of Europe. One day in the not so distant future I will smite thou mighty continent with lashings of rain, and the worthy amongst you will be saved by clinging to rafts made from recycled packaging and lush products. Only the Chavs and Hoodies, weighed down by their fake bling, heavy sportswear and trainers, will perish.

peevish said...

But at least you have good chocolate, right?

This morning the sky here in Colorado is absolutely cloudless & blue, except for the giant fireball. And yet somehow Mr. Man still has a Vitamin D deficiency. How?

emily said...

ummm.... i live in scotland.... north scotland... in the "reasons to complain about the weather" i think i may win. It has poured torrents here continually and without cessation for the past two weeks. I am soaking. Continually. I also have an expensive addiction to ridiculously scalding hot coffee in an attempt to keep awake and warm.
fiery balls are never seen - the best we get is a fine mist of drizzle, which is somehow more annoying than the torrents!

Jaywalker said...

Justme - that's the advantage of a virtual fête. Rain doesn't stop play. Get crafting people. More craft.

Belette - Maybe you could dress your weasel up in a special outfit. we could call that "miscellaneous". creative but not dangerous.

Samsara - this is indeed the word of the lord. Amen.

Peevish - yeah the chocolate is good, but it is all clinging to my ass. Badness.

Emily - and demonic biting insects. You forgot those.

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