Sunday, 6 July 2008

Not that tired old filler again

Hello my darlings,

Brussels has given me its habitual surreal welcome back. There are five tortoises in the sink and we have just witnessed a 'Ladies High Heel race' on Avenue Louise (they were rubbish, I could have beaten them in my excruciating Louboutin patent fetish heels if someone had placed a nice cake at the end of the track to motivate me).

So we are going to do some number crunching today. Because I met a whole bevvy of hedge fund managers last night and that did not at ALL make me feel stupid. No indeed. Goodness, they look like normal people but then they open their mouths and Martian comes out. But I can do numbers too! Watch and learn, poppets.

Number of hardened commuters who offered me their seat on public transport over the past three days: 3

Number of different outfits I was wearing when this happened: 2 (damn you, shapeless internet shroud dress, and damn you ridiculous fifties skirt that is supposed to give me a waist). I AM NOT PREGNANT. But thank you for the seats.

Number of times I fell over in Frith Street in FitFlop attributable incidents: 2

Percentage of dignity lost in falling over: 120

Outfits packed that covered ensuing enormous graze on knee: 0

Number of times the CFO appeared behind me ominously like a particularly sombre store detective to pry useless tat out of my fingers with a silent shake of his head (especially in the Magma store! I must move in there instantly. In fact, I am just going to sign my pay cheque straight across to them and cut out the middle man): 5000

Number of years the Bearded One mistakenly added to my age when attempting to guess it: 4. Cheers, papa.

Number of times I allowed the Bearded One to call Jack Johnson 'Jack Jones' uncorrected without having to go into the wardrobe to scream into a pillow: 35

Number of nearly naked centurions with spiky silver fetish helmets spotted on Saturday: 15 or 'not nearly enough' as I think we can all agree. The picture is rubbish sadly. I think I was a bit over-excited.

He looked nice too I thought.

Number of straight people at Hampstead Heath Rufus Wainwright concert on Saturday evening: 2 (Violet's mum and dad)
Amount this made Violet and I laugh: a lot

Number of pounds a Whole Foods 125g yoghurt costs: that would be 6 of your British pounds. Lorks a mussy. Dick Van Dyke would not approve.

Pounds saved on buying magazines in WHSmith by buying an unwanted extra paper (60p) and unwanted extra packet of sweets (£1): 3. Ok, at this point I gave up on my fledgling number crunching career. "Trust me!" said the cashier, with manic zeal in her eyes, so I did. It made my head ache though.

Number of times served by my favourite mad sunglasses wearing cashier in Liverpool Street M&S ("GOD BLESS YOU DARLIN' WHAT IS THAT? A WHAT? A CUCUMBER? WATCHA DO WIT DAT DEN???" Marianne, do you know the one I mean?): 3 (noone else dares to go to her till so it is always empty. If you can cope with searching questions on your diet and income, and also on salvation theology)

Celebrities spotted: 0.05 (Jefferson Hack. Meh.)

Number of times I was permitted to witter "I LOVE London, I MISS London" before being beaten to death with a die cast Beefeater figurine: 100000000

I will write something more interesting soon, but I have to go and bleach the sink now. Give me your numbers!


justme said...

Please tell me WHY they were in the sink????
I laughed all the way through this post. Thank you for cheering up my sunday!

Jaywalker said...

Oh god, Just me, I don't know. To wash them I think. I don't ask questions and just stay on hand with kitchen roll to dry them out. What a ridiculous life.

Anxious said...

On a scale of one to ten, how jealous am I about your having tortoises?


(Ten for each tortoise)

I have wanted tortoises for ever! To be fair, I've never enquired as to how one might obtain one, but still.

Jaywalker said...

You so should get one Anx. They are very funny, if a little undemonstrative. All you really need is a plentiful supply of dandelions and very low expectations. You should be a 60 on the scale of 1-10 but one of them has gone AWOL.

(Very) Lost in France said...

Here's my most recent number. Number of pounds it cost me to change my flights to the UK when I discovered I'd booked them the wrong way round. 500

There's an award waiting for you on my blog so come on over. VLiF

Marianne said...

It's funny you should say that, because I've always wanted a tortoise too, and have always admired Jefferson Hack because I heard he gave Kate Moss a jewel encrusted tortoise as an engagement present. Ungrateful that she is!

OMG I never saw the sunglasses wearing cashier, is she at the upstairs one in Liv st? Maybe it was because I always wear sunglasses and we cancelled each other out. Will check her out when on way to Suffolk next time!

PS what a hoo-ha over at Petite's right?! A bit more relaxed over here.

girl with the mask said...

Number of times I yelled 'WEDGIE!' during Nadals tennis match: eighty-seven. Get a thong, man!

Jaywalker said...

VLiF - oh lord. It's a bad week for blogging finance clearly what with the violet shoes (all 160 euros of them). Thank you for the award! Angel!

Marianne - she's down in the food hall right at the end in Moorgate. Maybe it was too dark for you with the sunglasses thing. A jewel encrusted tortoise, how wonderful. Yes, I like him more already. The petite thing was weird, but the rabbit with the pancake on its head was amazing. Did you check out its website? I tried to but my Japanese let me down..

Girl - we've all had the uncooperative pants thing, haven't we. No? Just me? Um ok then...

pochyemu said...

Excuse me, Jefferson Hack put his penis in Kate Moss...possibly more than once. Surely that boosts his celeb-o-score?