Monday, 7 July 2008

In which I give myself spots in the interests of fearless reportage

What could be healthier and more appropriate for a recovering bulimic than to taste test 5 different kinds of new cheap chocolate? Indeed, nothing. So on with the testing!

Mars bollocks, sorry, 'Planets'

God, these are pointless. They come in three varieties - 'crispy' (a sort of limp wafer), 'chewy' (caramel, but not in a good way) and 'boring' (the nougat bit - it had a proper name but I am damned if I am fishing around in the bin to find it). The ratio favours 'boring' way above the other varieties. After 6 successive 'boring's and one 'chewy', I felt overcome with ennui at the thought of putting another one into my mouth to try and find a 'crispy', but I persevered, such is the extent of my dedication. It was not remotely worth it.

1/10 Revels but without an upside.

Peanut butter KitKat Chunky

This was invented by some kind of sick genius. On initial opening, the smell of peanut butter is enough to put you into anaphylactic shock. Then you put it in your mouth, if you dare. Initally I thought I really didn't like it - it made me feel soiled. But I found myself going back again and again to try and put my finger on just what I didn't like. And soon there was very little left. It makes you feel dirty. Really dirty. But in a good way. The peanut butter is extremely salty, and the KitKat chunky is a KitKat chunky. Put them together and you have a sort of bastard love rat of a chocolate bar that will abuse you, use your phone to call sex chat lines, tell you you are ugly, sleep with your best friend and leave you overwhelmed with self-hatred. About 30 seconds after throwing the remains in the bin the revolting aftertaste hits you. It is the taste of SHAME I think.

8/1O Toxic genius.

Creme Egg 'Twisted' bar

Twisted indeed. Oh yes, the Girl with the Mask was right. This is just piss poor. The best thing about it is this picture, which makes it look unfairly appetising. It is waaaay too sweet and the ratio of chocolate to goo is all wrong. Take something wonderful and fuck about with it why don't you. Shame on you, Cadburys.

0/10 You don't mess with the Creme Egg. You just don't. OK? Ok.

Dark KitKat

This is the chocolate equivalent of a decaf skinny latte. The chocolate haters' chocolate bar. I mean, really, why bother. Have an apple why don't you? It sort of made me want to cry at the idea of some sad Prufrockian individual considering this the height of decadence.
I even tried the "York special" on it to see if that would help. It didn't. (York special = bite the chocolate off both ends of a stick of KitKat. Place one end in cup of hot tea, other end in your mouth. Suck. Mmmm)

2/10 Why sweet Jesus, why. If Chris Martin was a bar of chocolate, he would be this one.

Pret Love Bar

Léonie, this bar is yet another reason why I love you. So much deliciously fudgy and granular caramel in one place! It just shouldn't be legal should it? Are the pumpkin seeds and oats supposed to fool me into thinking it is healthy? Each oat is coated in enough butter to sustain a family of four for a week. Heresy though - I think I would like it better without the chocolate. But that may be due to the rest of the 'dégustation', which is starting to feel a bit like aversion therapy for chocoholism. In a minute Paul McKenna is going to start whispering in my ear that I don't really like chocolate at all, and that every time I look at chocolate I will think 'snail poo', or something.

9/10 Just wonderful. I have deducted a point because the wrapper says Sally Clarke is involved in taste testing it and she is based in Notting Hole. But she obviously knows her caramel, dammit!

The things I do for you, internet. I am going for a little lie down now.


Léonie said...

My God! You would prefer no chocolate? Well, ok, whenever you eat a Love Bar I would like you to save the chocolate bits and send them to me so I can squidge them into my caramel. (Not a euphemism.)

I look forward to receiving your chunks through the post.

Jaywalker said...

Léonie - ok that could work. I will have sucked the caramel off first though, do you still want my chunks?

zoe said...

Good grief, you are a sick individual. If you are going to bite the ends of bars of chocolate and then dunk them in a cuppa and then suuuuuuck, tim tams are the way forward.

And this comes from a chocolate-hating individual. Oh, unless they are from Pierre Marcolini, M&Ms, Penguins - or tim tams.

Jaywalker said...

Zoe - you aren't really limiting yourself too much there are you. Which I respect.

justme said...

I have never had a Love fact I have never had ANY of the things you tasted/tested. Hmmmm.... I don't eat Pret sandwiches because they always taste to me as though they have had sugar added. May have to experiment with a Love Bar though....

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