Monday, 30 June 2008

Sometimes I sits and thinks and sometimes I just sits

When Lashes was about six weeks old, I had to take him for his hearing test. No, don't worry, this isn't some parenting witter. It's an elaborate extended metaphor. Stay with me.

The hearing test required the baby to be asleep, but after about fifty fruitless circuits of Soho Square, Lashes was still emphatically, balefully awake, so we gave up and went anyway, my mother holding my arm and wiping away my despairing tears, yet again.

The nice hearing lady stuck several electrodes to his scaly newborn head which were attached to a machine that measured his brain activity. Really! This sounds very sci-fi, but I promise it wasn't a puerperal psychosis hallucination. My mum saw it too. So, the machine was reading about 600 whatevers (thoughts?) as Lashes thrashed around and grumbled and none of us was very sure quite how we were ever going to get the test done and I was thinking FAILURE! FAILURE! in big red capitals in my head.

But then the hearing lady did something absolutely magical. She held out her right arm in front of Lashes' face, and wiggled her fingers in a sort wavelike motion at him. She kept wiggling, and within seconds his little limbs stopped thrashing and he stopped grumbling and became very very still and we watched amazed as the figures on the machine dropped away 400 ..... 300 ... 280 ..... 160 .... 80 ... 45 ... and finally, 0. His eyes were still open, but he was hypnotised into a state of total absence. It was very very funny, and also amazing; the physical manifestation of that expression "the lights are on but noone's home". It lasted for the two or three minutes, the utterly still, absent state, as she did the test, wiggling her fingers all the time. When she stopped, Lashes sort of shook himself, came out of the trance, and started thrashing around again. Of course, we tried to reproduce it at home repeatedly with no success at all (it was after all an awesome trick with a small rage-filled baby. I would have used it constantly had it worked. We also speculated about kidnapping the nice hearing lady and holding her hostage in the flat.).

So. That eyes open, zero brain activity state? That is me, today.

Worth waiting for? No, I didn't think so.

12 comments:

justme said...

LOL! I often feel like that. Just operating on auto pilot....
Am fascinated by the finger wriggling thing though. Some sort of hypnosis evidently.

Jaywalker said...

Seriously, Just me, that woman could have made her fortune as some kind of baby whisperer. The CFO can do the same thing to piglets, which whilst also very very funny, is less useful in daily life.

girl with the mask said...

You had enough brain activity to write that post! I know what you mean though.

You need to track that woman down and become her manager, you know. You really could make a fortune.

zoe said...

It's Monday. I'm just sitting. I happen to do the same thing during the rest of the week too.

Jaywalker said...

Excellent programme for the week Zoe. I am alternating between sitting and lying on the floor of the ladies moaning gently. It helps slightly, except that afterwards I have to ask someone to brush the cobwebs and loo roll off my back.

Girl - I should, shouldn't I? Also, brain not really working even when writing this, as that's a simile not a metaphor, if indeed it is anything at all. Oh, I give up. Back to the ladies.

La Belette Rouge said...

Whenever you write about lashes I get this image of a being made totally of eyelashes, something Salvador Dali probably painted.

I am in the opposite place as you. As, I am not home I feel like my inner light is on. If I had to go home today I feel sure I would go into deep state of zone out.

Jaywalker said...

Hi woozle
A creature made entirely from lashes would be a nice pet I think, soft and strokable. Though it would probably shed a lot.
I have taken to my duvet with new David Sedaris, even though the idiots at Amazon have sent me the LARGE PRINT version.
I hope Chicago is lovely.

Léonie said...

My lights were on and someone was home earlier! But unfortunately the clickbuzzhum of the office has made my zest for life* seep out of me like pus from an open sore. Hurray.

*Sorry for using the phrase "zest for life".

Jaywalker said...

Léonie,
The pus more than made up for the zest I think. For which I thank you.

A Confused Take That Fan said...

Hi Jaywalker,
My god, who needs Gina Ford when this woman exists?? You must call her and get her to tell you her magic. I would like to use it on my husband as well as my children, I think it would be most beneficial...

Jaywalker said...

Hi there Confused,
I know, I know, but I was dazed by the endless screaming and not feeling particularly entrepreneurial, more fool me. Wonder if I could track her down, six years later? Also, I don't think it works when anyone else tries it. She was some kind of sorceress.

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