I'm just checking in, internet. Because I am alone in the house with men with chainsaws. They come from the 'social gardening' initiative which I assume is shorthand for "we have recently left prison where we served time for crimes of violence. But we like power tools".
I hope my cynicism does me a disservice, but just in case, if you haven't heard from me by, say, midnight, could you send someone round to tidy up my dismembered corpse?
Thank you. I love you all.
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I am sure everything will be fine. Really. Fine, fine, fine. Hello? Are you there? Jaywalker?
Ok so far girl, thanks so much. I just couldn't hear you over the persistent thrumming of the chainsaw. And my guilty conscience. I am an eco terrorist! Sorry tree! But things higher up the food chain require your death.
One sticky moment when one of the Con Air gang asked for a broom and I showed him the loo. This foreign language thing, trickier than it seems.
Well, yes, but it will be a 'social corpse clearing service', which means more men and more power tools.
Is this ok?
Yes, I should think so Léonie. I mean, let's do our bit for the community whilst clearing my remains. Have you spotted your very own tractor on the barrister post? It's all yours. To keep.
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