Wednesday, 7 May 2008

The Belgian Board of Film Certification

The Space Cadette and I have been discussing film/dvd certification recently. I sent her home from her latest visit (she and a load of vegans hidden in the attic. She said there was no problem with them all sharing 'because we spent 48 hours chained together for Amnesty'.) with a load of box sets in an attempt to get her to get in touch with her inner shallow. I mean, really, your thesis on the ideation of suicide is all very well, but sometimes i want a real debate. Like, who's fitter, Dr Burke or Omar from The Wire? Or, isn't Lt Daniels disturbingly hot when he takes his shirt off, and is it very wrong to think that when he is a tiny pocket sized goblin of a man? Or, again, Glenn Close - when your surgery makes you look like a cross between Ryan Giggs and Violet's cat Pinky, is it not time to ease off? Important, burning issues all.

Anyway. With no small satisfaction I learned that I have managed to get her hooked on Greys. She told me that apparently, the certification refers to "extreme medical gore & moderate references to sex". Yup, that does tick my boxes thank you, though I would query the "extreme". Have they never watched Nip/Tuck? What do they call THAT? This has got me thinking about alternative certification for children's DVDs. Certification for parents, because, Jesus, if you start watching some of that stuff unprepared you could do yourself untold damage. Call Simon Bates, his career is about to go into warp speed!

In the Night Garden
Contains scenes of a Dadaist nature. Consumption of potent hallucinogens is strongly discouraged during viewing. Do not operate heavy machinery during Pontypine sequences. Sufferers of OCD may find some scenes involving Makka Pakka distressing.

Includes woefully mild peril. Viewer may find themselves wishing a giant fireball would engulf Lazytown, taking with it Robbie Rotten's prosthetic chin and Stephanie's fright wig. Fantasies of entire latex cast melting into a chemical stew may be experienced. Moronic health theme may induce fruit phobia.

Pokemon - the Movie
Contains turgid graphics and scenes of intense tedium. May induce desire to self-immolate or rip off limbs in older viewers. Will to live may be reduced by prolonged viewing.

Bob the Builder
WARNING: contains powerful ear worm. Prolonged exposure to clunky, dull, moralising storylines has been proven to increase violent impulses in the over 30s.

Other thoughts, anyone?